So, the clinic visit...

Here's how it went. I scheduled a visit with the OBGYN because when I called the urgent care clinic the triage nurse said that due to my situation it would be best if I just went directly to them, because urgent care doesn't do "procedures" and they'd most likely be referring me to the OBGYN department anyways.

So I'm there,filling out forms. I get called back and the nurse is just a flat out bit*h. She hones in on the "how many pregnancies" and "how many children" questions real quick.

She says, "it says here 3 pregnancies, 2 births. Did you have an abortion?" Her tone says this is not a medical history question, this is a judgment question. (Also, even if I did have an abortion, who's business is it of yours? Is part of your job description to be judgy as fuck to your patients? If so, ya fuckin nailed it.)

"No. I miscarried. I'm still bleeding. It's been a month. That's why I'm here. Something's wrong."

"Well, I don't see a pregnancy test result. Did you go to another clinic?"

"No, but I took a bunch of those pee stick tests."

"Well, you had a tubal." Like I'm a fucking idiot and didn't realize that. Also, she was very much telling me she thought I was stupid or lying, or both.

"Yea."

"Well I can't add a pregnancy if there's no proof of the pregnancy."

"Ok, well next time I fucking miscarry I'll remember to scoop it out of the toilet and bring it in here so you can put that in my fucking medical records."

Then this bit*h has the guts to say "that would help."

My mind just about explodes. Internally I want to punch this condescending bit*h. What?? Did she really just say that? What the actual hell! ¡!&+:"#$-()-! What?????!!!!!!

But somehow instead I start crying and say "I need you to go get someone else."

"What?"

"I need you to go out and I need a different nurse, ok? I can't do this."

"Well...!"

So she leaves. A different nurse comes and I'm bawling my eyes out. I was really not expecting to be given the third degree about this. I went for help and the first reaction I got was an accusation.

The next nurse was nice. She gave me tissues and held my hand during the exam and procedure. She explained to the Dr what had happened (both medically with me and the previous nurses interaction with me). They were kind. I still had parts of the blood clots and tissues from the pregnancy that had remained in my uterus, so I did need to have that cleaned out. It wasn't pleasant at all, but I don't really remember it, and I kept thinking it was like throwing away the baby furniture, tearing down the wallpaper and scrubbing the room clean after your baby died. Like they never even existed.

So in my dreams, I am emotionally gutted by the miscarriage. Sometimes I flush and flush but the water doesn't go away. The clots, my baby, the red water just spiral around in a tight circle at the bottom of the toilet but it won't go down. It doesn't overflow but it won't go down! I'm just stuck in the stall, staring at the toilet wanting to leave, wanting to not be there. In some nightmares the shitty nurse looms over me yelling, accusing me, saying I killed it, or saying I was never pregnant, or saying that I should be happy with what I have, or just yelling at me that she didn't believe me because I didn't have "proof!"

She sucked as a real-life nurse. As a villain in my nightmares she is much much worse.

So I've been having nightmares about the whole shitty thing lately. I've been talking it through with my counselor. I'm part of a DBT group, and there's a procedure for nightmares they encourage you to try to use.

**Please note - I'm not a health expert at all. I'm not giving mental health advice. I quite possibly am not even doing the DBT nightmare thing correctly. I'm just sharing what I did and what happened to me.**

So, as I understand it, the recommended actions for recurring nightmares involves thinking about the things that happened in the nightmare and then reframing the plot of the nightmare. Like going through it and imagining how you would have wanted it to go differently. My first thought about major plot changes is this - I wish that nurse had been more supportive.

It occurs to me that in the days and days I've had to think about this, my desire to change the bad dream never was 'i wish the miscarriage never happened.' It's always been some version of "I wish I hadn't blamed myself" or "I wish I'd not felt powerless" or "I wish I'd felt more supported." And then imagining what that would look like. 

Right after the miscarriage I did look up information about miscarriage causes. I was stuck in the grief spiral though, so other than thinking that this information was more geared towards women experiencing infertility and multiple miscarriages, I didn't remember much. It did just reinforce the self judgement that I didn't have a right to grieve for a child I didn't even know, and I was selfish that I had 2 healthy kids and they weren't enough to keep me from grieving. Researching it made me feel selfish. It made me hate the grieving part of my heart even more.

So I stopped looking for an answer to the question "why?" I mean, the only answer that I'd believe wasn't going to be found in a pamphlet or from a Dr. The answer that I knew was true was that I did it. That's why. Somehow no one else knew it, and even I don't know how I did it, but I did it.

So, I know that early miscarriages (like in the first few weeks before you even realize you are pregnant) are quite common. What's the difference between that and my experience? Well, I guess it's that I knew about the pregnancy, I loved, and I was looking forward to meeting my baby. In the past couple of days I actually Google researched causes for early miscarriage. (yea, I know. It's risky to go scouring the interwebs for medical facts. lol) 

As it turns out there are like hundreds of reasons for spontaneous abortion (that's the medical terminology for miscarriage). Most of the reasons for early loss of the fetus are related to chromosomal problems or improperly developed placenta, umbilical cord, or that the baby improperly developed. So, most often it's some type of problem that prevents their body from growing or stops the development of the baby's organs.

Non self-judgemental reasons for miscarriage -

I am not in control of how the placenta, umbilical cord, and baby form and grow in my body. I am not in control of the chromosomes of my baby. I have no power over how my baby's organs grew (or did not grow). I am not in control of this. I was not in control of it then either. The miscarriage did not happen because I was abusing my body by not taking care of myself. It just happened. And unfortunately, it happened to me. Trying to blame myself was my grieving mind trying to make sense if the loss. The shame of the thought that I'd caused it to happen prevented me from being open and sharing my grief. It wasn't until years later that I finally told my in-laws about it.

Right after the miscarriage I had some really rough days at work. My second job was as a cashier at a big box store. There are babies and toddlers all over the place. The sound of crying put me in tears. Mostly I just wiped my eyes and kept on working. There was one day that I had a customer who was really short tempered with her kid. She snapped at him. I just turned around and walked over to my manager and said I needed a break "because some people don't deserve to have kids" and then I walked to the bathroom. He seemed to be in disbelief that I would just walk away. When I came out a few minutes later the customer was gone and my supervisor was waiting for me. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I should mention here that previously I had the impression that he was a kid himself (probably not 20yrs old yet) and kinda just an oblivious college kid. So I told him. I'd had a miscarriage last week and was really having a rough time and I really can't deal with bitchy customers who don't appreciate the kids they have.** I don't know what I was expecting as a response, but he was really nice about it.

He said he was so sorry and asked if I needed to go home.

No, I couldn't afford to miss work.

Would I mind stocking shelves?

Sure.

Ok, so why don't you take a break and I'll figure this out.

I spent the next three days stocking shampoo, soap, toothpaste, vitamins, etc. He said he had me traded to that section "because things are light and I didn't know if lifting heavy things would be ok for you, and usually people already know where stuff is in the health and hygiene aisles so they are in and out pretty quick." This interaction completely changed the way I thought of him.

It is now, as I write this, a few days after Thanksgiving (in the US). Since I first started jotting down notes about this, writing these 2 posts has taken me more than a month. The editing has been brutal. The nightmares have changed. The nurse is gone. Sometimes I am babysitting and the kids get lost. Sometimes I'm running trying to find a kidnapper. In one dream I was driving and got pulled over and the cop took my baby because I didn't have his car seat put in the car correctly.

These are all just variations on the same theme. Obviously I am still working on this.

RR

** I do realize that my reaction to her impatience with her kid was fully because I was grieving and not a reflection of her being a good parent or not. We all get impatient with our kids. This was more proof of my own emotional turmoil and feelings of guilt and self blame than being about her at all.