Before everything happened with him, I never truly understood how victims minds worked. It’s a weird thing really. My friend told me about how she had been sexually assaulted at a young age. I always wondered why she didn’t just tell her dad. Or, when I watched tv why a victim would just let their abuser get away with what they did. Of course I sympathized with them, but I could never truly understand. 

Sometimes I wish I couldn’t truly understand. A lot of times really. I wish I didn’t know what it was like to not be able to tell your parents because you aren’t sure how they would react. The fact that when my friend in one of my classes jokes around with me and makes sexual jokes, it doesn’t feel like harmless fun anymore. It makes me think of that night. When I look at my friend I met him through, I think of him. It makes me feel awful I hold that against her. Why does she have to make me think of him? The fact that every little thing she does now ticks me off. But, there’s more from where that came from. 

I’ve always struggled with mental health. I’ve just been quite unlucky with stress factors. I would think about suicide everyday. I’d self harm. I know you don’t need a reason for depression, it’s a disease. But, I’d trade anything to go back to depression without reason over depression because of him. 

Before I sign off, I want to name some things that make me happy though.

1. My best friend. I love her so much. She’s really helped me a lot through all this and really she’s one of my biggest reasons I am still here today. 

2. Childhood memories. Or let me be more elaborate. Something that really helps me is taking in the past before everything happened. I’ve been watching a lot of Good Mythical Morning lately. I used to love them when I was little and it really helps. I think it gives me that mindset that I am young again. It’s nostalgic.

3. My mom. She’s always going to be there for me. At this point, and I feel so awful for this, but I can hardly look at my dad. I can’t even look him in the eye. I don’t know if I am ashamed or if I am scared. But my mother is so comforting. She is my favorite person on this earth. She has her flaws, but it’s raw. And she’s one of the strongest person I’ve ever met. 

Thank you for listening.