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16/06/2021


forestmistheather

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So my T who I've had for 3 years is leaving and it's really unsettled me.  He's been like a rock in my life even though I've not been able to talk to him about a lot of things like how I feel about things because I so often don't know.  And now that he's leaving I've started to feel - a lot.  I've gone from numb to a wreck.  And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to process it.  I don't want to be numb again.  But I don't want to feel out of control with my feelings.  I'd like them to just be 'normal' and tolerable.  But I don't know how to make them that.  I also have a partner it seems.  It seems so weird as I haven't seen anyone in donkeys years - no-one of any significance ever.  I don't quite know how to handle it.  And I definitely don't know if I should tell my sister.  She's just been devastated by losing he partner to suicide.  It would seem so insensitive to say 'and look at me, I'm really happy with a new partner'.  There are some weird things about him though.  Like him offering to pay for my flight when he's only known me for a little over a week.  It was a really heavy T session today.  We talked through a lot.  I cried a lot.  It made me realise just how isolated and alone and scared I feel.  And also how much I don't like to look inside my mind for fear of hearing all the noises of these voices chatting away - contradictory feelings that I don't understand and that are painful.  But they are singing loud and clear at the moment.  And I don't want to shut them up - I just want them to quieten down a little.  I just don't know how to get them to.

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