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elisand

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What I thought about today

I am fighting to create a "Day" for myself. It's so hard for me to be consistent. I've honestly tried but I never figured it out. I realized recently that I didn't really have anything to get up for. It's nice to know that I want to have a productive day and it's so important to acknowledge that I don't feel satisfied about each day, but how do I fill that time? 

First I thought I was just hopelessly lethargic. My new therapist challenged me. He said, maybe I'm just afraid of failure and rejection. I don't think he was right initially. I just felt hopeless about ever getting a real job and living on my own. I felt that I have no marketable skills. 

One day I started thinking, starting in my bed feels comfortable on the one hand, but on the other hand I'm almost punishing myself. Its like, I'm literally going to a place that reminds me how helpless I am. Why do I deserve to punish myself more? 

Now I was desperate to find a way to make something happen. I was feeling lonely so I tried saying websites. You know, it's a special feeling of future to me to be talking to someone, thinking about creating a future together. It's like a tonic. Of course, I got scammed. Like any vulnerable person. I felt so bad. I was using tiktok, trying to put myself out there, be appreciated. I found some nice people there, and a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of typing the wrong thing etc. But I found some very positive people who forgave my awkwardness. 

Still struggling. My therapist suggested exercise, I told him it's always too hard. I get lethargic. Well, he had an idea. Low Impact Cardio. It's not strenuous and it kind of feels good after a bit. Especially with The Body Project (they are a channel on youtube).

I also downloaded a ton of apps that pay money for games and ads. And I tried investing.

And then I discovered affiliate marketing. I found it from YouTube, from a creator called Liam Thompson. And slowly I learned about making a website and getting money from driving business to companies through a website. It's been really rocky, I sent emails but one day I told my sister that I made a website and she was excited, she wanted to see it. That felt so good. Like, I could do something impressive! And it's still rocky. Hard to get out of bed. But now I have things I want to do in a day. I like making my amateur website. 

I love Liam Thompson. More than even Mr. Beast. Why? Because Liam had an idea and he literally did it. He focused on that one thing and accomplished it. And he put all his effort into it. And then he accomplished it. My therapist said, if I put in half the effort I'll only get half the results. And, it's true. I've been putting in a lackadaisical amount of time into the creating a website and I was getting small results. And that's when what my therapist had said clicked. I was finding it so hard to channel my efforts because I was afraid of failure, that making a website won't get me money, that I will be back where I started. And it stopped me. But he said, if I do nothing, then I FORSURE won't get anything. And as always, he's right. At the same time, I was still afraid of the potential futility of it. And he said, you won't fail, you will learn what doesn't work. He was right again, I've learned what I feel comfortable with, what doesn't work, and most recently to establish a relationship with the hosting platform that I am using for my website. Look at me, using these technical terms I never imagined I'd get to know!!!

Now I have stuff in my day. I look forward to a bit of exercise, work on my website and cleaning my house a little. That doesn't get me through the whole day but it's still a big step. 

And I had a meeting with my parents, instigated by my mother about finding me a job. And that's good! Believe me, I was so not down for the meeting but now my dad is actively helping me find a job. And because of him now I have a resume. I would not have dug up the old file I had created and turned it into a real deal resume. I actually submitted it today after a ton of anxiety and stuff of course, but wow! 

And thinking about all this Iam reminded that my sisters are now much more accepting of me and even my younger brothers are acting better (relatively) with me, and I'm not walking around with a ton of resentment to my parents either. 

 

Edited by elisand

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