Well guys, I've been away for quite some time! During that time I've learned a few things about myself and life (to say the least!)
How do I feel coming back? I feel a lump in my heart. I remember the sadness and pain I was in when I wrote my blogs, and the help and camaraderie that you all offered.
It was very dark. I remember feeling nothing would or could get better. I remember the loneliness I always felt in the world. I remember not being able to even write the letter I in capitalized form. I remember my eyes streaming tears when I read the supportive messages from you guys. And now I'm different. I'm in a better place then I ever believed possible. And let's not imagine I'm in a perfect position. I still struggle with the challenges of loneliness and sadness and feeling helpless to become successful in the world. I so badly want to find a job. I struggle with being consistent, in prayer and feelings of rejection.
But it's not crippling. And I foray into the world. Sure, there are triggers, and I still can't stand certain things.
I learned something about those stuff. I could refuse to accept it. Be active in stopping it and knowing that I have the right to do that. Recently I was trying to teach a 14 year old and he and his friend began disrespecting me and damaged the book I was using. No more sucking it up. I told them off. Made them feel like idiots for what they did. And I don't feel bad. They were disrespecting me and they had no right.
I learned a way to pray without feeling locked in. When I pray I am very triggered and affected by solemn tunes etc. So I cut them out. If I can't stay that long? I leave. If I'm finding myself becoming too self-critical I start thinking about how I feel about the stuff I'm doing to improve my lot like my ideas for business, instead of that God forsook me.
And I never get angry at myself for not doing enough. Expectations breed disappointment!
Edited by elisand