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Amazing... then triggering.


Celia

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Been a while... I've recently recalled something that I find nagging at me constantly. 

How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most?  It's very irritating.

*Possible Trigger*

Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser.  Such a wise choice, huh?  The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help.  Maybe the abuser will confess, right?  We all hope for that, I'm sure.

I won't get into everything, as it's pretty traumatizing, but that's my point here.  Before the call, the detective and another detective, my favorite one, came over to supervise, guide me, and record (have proof of) the call. 

During my time of freaking out before the call, nearly breaking down into tears, and having so many thoughts in my head, "will he confess? Will he admit to everything?  Will he threaten me to shut up?  Will he hurt my family now that I remember everything?  What's going to happen?!" and more, I was coloring in a coloring book.  It's one of those inspirational coloring books you'll see that are for adults to do to calm down.  It was soothing for me, very soothing and "somewhat" calming.

Due to me coloring directly before and after the call (to hide my tears afterwards - didn't last long) I now absolutely hate coloring.  Coloring anything, for that matter.  I can't color a coloring sheet, book, or page.  I can't print out something that I really like and color it.  Why?  Cause everytime I'm about to color something or someone asks me if I want to color, I freak out.  I start remembering everything about the call, I remember the words that the abuser said, and the number of times he apologized, but not for the right thing... "I'm sorry you have this awful memory." "I'm sorry that someone did this to you and are mistaking it as me."  It still pisses me off to this day.  And his voice, omg.  So many times now, I hear him talking or someone else having the same voice as him, and I just want to cry.

Anyway, another thing.  I went swimming at the pool that was at the hotel (outside).  Guess what I won't be doing again?  Swimming in a pool, whether it's at a friend's house, at a hotel, a community park, a park, water park, no... I will NOT go into a pool.  Ever since the hotel, I have not stepped a foot into a pool and probably never will.  The entire time while I was in the pool, I was telling mom everything the abuser said as she kept asking questions.  I'll be honest, I just wanted to drown then.  

I don't know what more to say, I'm having flashbacks now.

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Hi, Celia

I'm sorry you are going through this :(  I can relate a lot to what you are saying. For me, it's with certain songs. Whenever they come up on the radio or whenever I want to listen to them, I cannot because it reminds me too much of the period I was in pain and the person who hurt me. Until one day, I decided to do something about it and to try to create a good memory around a particular songs. I had just met up with my best friend, the weather was nice, the sundown was astonishing. It was good day, I was feeling great and super powerful. So I put on the song as I was driving home, the highway lights helped to make the whole experience even more pretty. And I made a new memory. To be honest, when I hear it now, my thoughts go predominantly to me trying to create a new memory. It's not like I don't know who showed me the song and the memories that I once attached to it, and I don't play it everyday, but it makes it bearable and I know that time will make this even better. I hope this helps you do something similar when you feel ready. Pick a day when you feel good and invite a friend over and draw together (or go swimming or both) make it a fabulous day. I wish you all the best ❤️

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That's sounds like an amazing idea, I might try that one day!!  Thank you!  I have a lot going on now, so I can't work on those triggers right now, unfortunately.  I'm glad the songs aren't as traumatizing to you now.  

Thanks again! 🙏🏻🌺

~Celia

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