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Better


AlyssaLane

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"It gets better."

A phrase I'm sure we've all scoffed at at one time or another. Something none of us thought we could achieve; "better." 

The thing that bothered me about it, though, wasn't that I never believed things could get better-- it's that I never believed "better" was going to be good enough. How much better could things possibly get? A few years ago, everything felt hopeless. I didn't see any point in living every day, I didn't know what I was living for. I didn't feel like my life had a purpose. I didn't think the endless void I felt was inside of me could ever be filled. I was so exhausted, every single day felt like a chore. 

Although with everything going on in the world right now, I often find myself falling into the same traps, overall my life no longer feels like a task. I'm still not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be doing with myself or my life, I don't think that matters anymore. I no longer feel the need to pine for some kind of purpose. I've stopped fighting so hard to leave my mark on the world. And somehow, along with all of that, my trauma has haunted my mind less. Although I still have my days where I think I still that monster walking down the street and my heart stops or a certain smell of soap sends me back in time, but overall my mind finally feels free. I don't know how it happened, I don't know when it happened, and I don't know how I got here. I just know that with self love and acceptance came peace of mind. 

I'm not Alyssa anymore. I never was. I've stopped accepting my trauma as the source for my gender dysphoria and using that repress who I am. I've stopped allowing that monster to still have a hold on my life after all these years. I'm so grateful to feel free from that Hell. I can still feel it lurking, sometimes. I have days where all I want to do is give in and give up again. 

But overall,

it gets better.

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