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Struggling


aperson

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I hate to admit it but i am struggling. The days between my mom's death and burial of her ashes were manageable.  There was something to do each day. Now that is done, I find it harder to cope. I feel like I failed her on the last thing she asked of me. Daily I think of reasons to call her and each time is followed by she cant answer. I wanted to call her to share that her first great grandchild was born but I couldnt. He was born the night of her viewing. 12 hours before we were to put her ashes in the ground. She was so excited to be a great grandparent even though she would always be known as Memaw to them. They had the babies first name but never had a middle name until the day he was born. She would be jumping for joy knowung the last time she asked for a namesake, she got it.

At her viewing I panicked first time looking at her. I left the building trying to not hyperventilate.  I couldnt breathe and had to escape. She looked like herself just sleeping with a smile on her face. When I composed myself, I just went in and sat with her. I tried to hold her hand one last time but she was cold and hard and I immediately pulled back. She didnt look cold or hard so it startled me. I didnt want to leave her. She spent 18 days alone in the hospital. The 19th day was her last and I spent that last 5 hrs with her.

The night before her services, I talked to her for hours. I showed her the shoes I bought. I knew she would live them because it was her style. I told her how my brother was trying to dress her in some god-awful sweater that didnt match anything. I told her I was sorry and one day I would tell her the truth of why I am the way I am. I waited for her to answer but she never did.

The evening after her services, my cousins got together at my brother's house.  I was ill through mist of it and laid in my brother's bed listening to them. I kept thinkung how she would live seeing all of them here and having a good time together. She would smile knowing befire they left to go home, they would come see her first. And knowing none of that would happen again hurt my heart.  

I miss her more and more every day. I started therapy because I needed tools to keep me safe. It's early but I am ready to give up on it. I am trying not to because I toldmy brother and sister that I would be there for them day or night. If they cant give up, neither can I. It's so hard using past tense for her. I feel like that means all hope is lost and she is gone forever.  I cant let go of the small hope this is the worst nightmare ever and I just cant wake up. I cry at night because the nightmare happened. I cfy when I wake because the nightmare is still happening. I just cant believe she is gone and this was the plan all along. 

I regret not seeing the signs or not understanding what they meant. I thought it would be someone else. I never thought it would be her. I have reached out to one person. She lets me cry. She sits in silence. She talks and lets me be silent. She shows kindness and is thd only person I have honestly and fully answered the question of how I am doing. But I have been relying on her for the last few weeks anf that is unfair to her. I know I am a lot without yhis and eith this I am emotional overload as I can get stuck in a thought and not let go. I appreciate her more than she could ever know or imagine. So I will give her a break. At some point I will have to learn to handle these feelings on my own. 

If I could rewind to Dec 2020 and stop the things that led to this, I would. I would stop the strokes. Then she wouldnt need someone at her home 24hrs a day. She wouldnt need physical and occupational therapy. COVID wouldnt have found its aay into her home and into her system. She would still be here giving me hell about talkjng to her granddaughter.  I could ask her what dhe wanted for Mothrr's day and her birthday and she would give the same line, I dont want anything. And like always last minute she would think of something she wanted. And the 3 of us would make it happen.

I just dont know how I am supposed to continue. How are we suppose to go through her things and erase her presence from the world? Like how does the sun still rise and fall like my entire world didnt just fall apart 2 weeks ago? How does the world not stop and try to fix what is now broken? 

And in dealing with this, the other things come up and I just cant process it all right now. I am failing her again because she cant be proud. But I cant easily block this out. I cant easily pretend that this didnt happen and continue life like normal. So I am admitting, I am struggling and need some help.

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