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Grieving and Family....


aperson

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I have 4 days until my mother's services and every day is like a rollercoaster. It doesnt take but a small thing to send me ready to cry like a big baby. I know that grief is a process but I dont know that I fully expected this. The closer it gets the more irritated and annoyed I get by just about everyone and every thing. Sad part is i feel like I am in a battle between supporting her husband and her siblings on what they want/expect. They are not that fond of him because he doesnt really tolerate their nonesense. Her husband and my siblings have worked very well together in getting things taken care of and ensuring that we give her the best that we can during COVID. It isnt what we would want but it as close as possible. My aunts felt like they were being left out so I talked to them all individually. I explained how their behaviour affected us when she was in the hospital and we just wanted to get things done. I also explained that we are here to support he husband too because he is technically her next of kin and the only person that has to make any decisions. They all said we are here to support you all (my siblings not her husband). That is fine just know we are supporting him. I thought that would be then end. I even let slide the hurtful things one of them said in regards my care for my mother before her death. Trying to be the bigger person and knowing my mom and I have talked about this and she asked me to not go off on any of them. Again, i thought it was good but I thought wrong.

When the her husband and my siblings talked about what we wanted to see for her services we knew 2 things. We wanted to have a viewing for those who didnt get a chance to say goodbye like we did. We also knew that my mom wanted to be cremated. My brother also wanted a burial of her ashes because he wanted a place to go to and pay respects instead of just having an urn. No problem. We also agreed that due to her kidney failure causing a significant amount of swelling in her body, we didnt want a viewing where she didnt look like herself. The funeral home assured us that wouldnt be an issue but her husband said I just need to see her beforehand. I wasnt worried but if that is what he wanted then I would go along with it. I understand where he is coming from. My aunts on the other hand couldnt get past that. Last week, we had a discussion with all of them to let them know the plans and covered the viewing. he again reiterated his stance. At the end of that call we were on the same page. We also discussed not having a repass because of COVID, we couldnt meet inside and we could not be assured about the preparing of the food. Sounds good, right?

Fast forward 2 days late, I receive a text message from one aunt. She proceeded to ask about the viewing again. I told her what we already agreed to on the last call which is fair. She proceeded to say that it isnt fair to her kids or grandkids or anyone else that they cant view her. Then she proceeded to ask if he was on her life insurance policy becuase then it wouldnt matter what he thought. Ummmm maam not that it is any of your business but he is. He last text to me that day as I had then stopped responding was that there would be a viewing if she had to pay for it herself. Oh? So just screw anybody else and do what you want? Got it. I proceeded to my uncle's to pick up some flowers. My uncle then tells me that everything is set for the repass and we will do it in his church's parking lot and all the food will be pre-packaged. The look on my face probably gave my thoughts away. I asked him who decided on that? He says the sisters called him to set it up. Oh so when were you all going to inform us? The day of? Oh ok. He says it is ok, right? and I told him does it matter since you all have decided and it is all set up? Does it really matter what we think? he started to explain why he thought it was a good idea. Well, sir guess that is that and I left. Mind you I had already spoken with 2 of the sisters that same day and neither mentioned it.

Then another sister called to confirm that she had the posters ordered and she just needed the money. Cool, sent it to her via CashApp and we are done. She asked me another question about what colors we were going to wear because the siblings had decided to wear all black and red flowers. I said we hadnt discussed color coordinating. I guess that wasnt the right answer because she said ok girl bye and hung up. After the conversation with her and the conversation with her sister about visitation I was done. I put my phone on do not disturb except my siblings and her husband. I was done with them for the time being. This was all before seeing the brother and hearing about the repass.

My brother and sister said they werent going to any repass because it isnt about the dinner it was about them deciding for themselves and no input from anyone else. We then move on and I slowly find things that I just dont like. One sibling calling the funeral home to discuss and add charges to the bill without asking us about it. Or she was making arrangements regarding my mom's viewing and flowers that we were paying for. Then there was the obituaries. I told them they had full range to create them and while I didnt want to see it, the others did. So what happened, they made the programs and sent to funeral home with no one else having seen them except them. So we dont even know what pics were used in these programs. Then there was today. The same aunt called to say the person that was going to do her wig wasnt comfortable doing it n a deceased person. I am ok with that and prepared for that with a wig that my mom used and was made by this person so I knew it would work. She says well let me see it so I can see what it looks like. I simply replied ok. She said do you have it or you have to go get it. I said I have it with me. She said well just bring it by and I will wash and condition it. I replied it is ok. I will take a look at it and then take it to them. Again, wrong answer I guess because she said well s ince you have a problem bringing it to me then just send me a picture bye. Have I sent the picture? Nope. Am I going to send her one? Nope.

I keep telling them they have a take over spirit. If you allow them in once, then they feel like that is carte blanch to take over every and anything. So no, I wont be doing any of that and if I really want to, I can go buy a new one for her. I felt bad before about always saying my mom when talking to them because I understand how that can sound. But i dont any more. I think they have forgotten that she is my mom and they get really no say so in any decisions. This is why we had to have a security code added at the hospital because they couldnt stay in their lane. If I had my say they never would have been jincluded on a phone call but her usband is trying to be nice. He knows how they feel about him and he is just trying to make sure that they dont feel abandoned in the process but the truth is, they are and they should be. they dont understand or respect boundaries at all.  So i am no longer responding to any of them. I dont have the patience to do it any longer. I feel like I am trying because my mom would want me to but I cant. They have already said in their actions that we dont matter and one in their words that we were not good enough to take care of my mom in the first place. This would be prior to her being diagnosed with COVID. and yes the exact words were, I could have done a better job than you.

You see I have guilt about that already. I already felt like I didnt do enough when she got sick so for her to say that was hurtful. i apologize to my mom every day several times a day from the moment she was admitted in the hospital to today. I will always hold that guilt even though my siblings and her husband have said differently. i will apologize to my mom until the day i die and when I see her again, I will apologize to her for eternity. I just am no longer willing to be at their demand of what they want. They have gone so far as to discuss the balance and cost of the funeral even though they are not chipping in one red cent despite their early insistance that they would. Hell, the one who called aobut the posters didnt even contribute to that and it was just 130.00. again, i was prepared to pay that and was already aware of what the cost would be from my own research beforehand. But if it were my sister, I wouldnt have asked for the money from either of them. I would have gotten the posters done and paid for and moved on. Why? That is my sister and if I have the funds to help out in her untimely death, i am going to do so. And it isnt really about the money, it is about respect. How would they like it if I called someone they had a contract with and discussed the provisions of that contract? 

After the services, I am done. These are the ladies I called my other moms but they are just proving that really isnt the case. They owuld have never treated anyone else in this fashion and neither would I. I may talk about it amongst myself but I would never go behind their backs and do what i wanted because that is what I wanted. I even now have a text form one explaining why they did the repass. it will get no reply because they obviously dont understand the disappointment and cant even when explained to them. After the services, if her husband wants to go, I will support him but none of those people really care about supporting him or us. They have their own plans and intentions and I dont have to be a part of that. I wont be reaching out to them for assistance on anything after the fact. I wont be calling to check up on them. at this point we need separation so they can continue to do their own thing while we continue to do our own thing. i still love them and if something were to happen to them I will be there but in the appropriate support role because I respect their kids and tose that have spouses, their spouses too much to step outside my place.

It is almost like I cant grieve appropriately for my mom becuase I am fighting daily battles with them. It is turning into anger and bitterness. They still forget that I am a whole grown adult with nearly half a century on this earth. My father keeps telling me I am wrong but on the same breath will say I dont have to do everything they say. Talk about mixed signals. For now, I am keeping my distance until Saturday when I have no choice but to be in attendance. Rant over (I hope)

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