I don't know why I'm writing a blog post. I'm writing a blog post because of multiple things.
1. I feel like hurting myself, and I do not want to do that again.
Most days, I can forget it happened. My brain puts those memories somewhere they feel small, insignificant.
But sometimes I feel like I'm cracking. Like a dam with a crumbling foundation, and I'm holding the water back, but there are cracks in this dam, there are cracks and I will, eventually, one day, break.
I know that self-harm is just a way to numb the emotional pain with physical one. But sometimes I have these invasive thoughts that I could do it again, that it would help.
That maybe, I would be free of the pain of what he did. That maybe, I would finally stop hurting.
2. I know you can't compare one story to another, they are all horrible and heartbreaking.
Yet sometimes I feel like- what happened to me is minor, in the grand scheme of things? And I am trying to unlearn that way of thinking, but it takes time. And I feel like I should be more okay than I am.
3. I don't feel at home in my body. I feel like I'm just inside it, pretending to be someone I'm not. And part of it is because of him - he made me feel disgusting in my own skin. Like I can never be clean.
I just need an outlet for these things. I don't know where else to talk about these things, so yelling into the void of blogging seems like a good idea.