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abhaya

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Just tired


abhaya

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I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have come to see how much I have been holding my memories and trauma locked beneath the surface to keep acting fine, I am starting to feel the edge of what feels like a deep and lifelong grief that I have kept away through numbness and disassociation... but I also think there has been a great deal of goodness in being stirred up like this too: I have been able to tell my story more completely than I had done before, I have shared with y’all parts of my trauma that I could never even acknowledge before, and I have been able to offer support, kindness and belief in you and your experiance in a way that I hope to be able to offer to myself someday. 
 

But in the last couple days I notice I have so much less in me to say. I see your posts and I still send you all my care, my wish for your well being, my kindness and compassion has not diminished... just the words, its harder to put it down, perhaps I have run low on spoons. I think I am okay, I don’t mean to worry any of you, I am finding a way through the dark marshes... I just want you all to know that I am still here, still witnessing and caring about your hardships and pain, still cheering and celebrating your successes and strengths. Maybe I am turning inward to process, maybe I am shutting down a bit, I am not quite sure... but it still helps to see each of you, posting and commenting, I think through it I see you role modeling what it looks like to ask for support when things get tough. I am grateful for that as well, It is something I am trying to learn. Whether I have words or not, I plan to keep showing up, and I am sorry if I have less capacity right now but no matter what, I believe you, and I may do so quietly, but I am sitting with you in comfort and kindness.
 

 

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Please listen to your self and do what you need to do to take good care of yourself. That is the highest priority. 💜💜💜

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Oh @abhaya , we return you all this kindness you have sent our ways . Please take some time to take care of yourself . From your words I can feel your exhaustion, I hope you have counselor/therapist you can talk to about the violent flashback you’ve had . Listen to your body and your mind , we will be here to celebrate with you when you ovecome this and to support you whenever you feel like it’s too hard to do so .

Sitting with you and sending love and kindness your way ❤️

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Thank you both, @feralcat and @seong98.  I appreciate your support and kindness. 

Yes, I have a therapist, though I only see her every other week due to costs. I will be seeing her on Monday, and I have a planned conversation with my primary care doc tomorrow am to talk about my mental health.  Thanks for checking that I'm getting care.  I think that I am experiencing a bit of overwhelm, and my capacity to bounce back is a little more limited than when I'm feeling balanced and healthy.  I had an anxiety attack today at work (well remote work, so I was able to manage it at home) and I'm aware that I'm feeling tender lately.  Thanks again for listening.

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Aw @abhaya 😢 ❤️❤️❤️ Your message is so touching. This is really sweet of you to be thinking so deeply of “us”, while you yourself are experiencing such painful feelings and memories. Although I cannot speak for everyone, I’m sure many here are “extremely” appreciative of the heartfelt expressions you have made and the constant support you have given. I personally have enjoyed your expressions and getting to know you thus far. However, I agree with what feralcat and seong98 have said. Please remember to listen to, and take care of yourself as first priority. Maneuvering through difficult memories and feelings that you have been accustomed to suppressing or dissociating from is extremely difficult! So please, please, be gentle and kind with yourself, as I’m sure you would be, and have been with many of us already. Also please remember, your AS family is here, and will be here, when you need us. As you have told me, you are deserving and worthy of support and kindness. I am also here if you want/need to talk. I am more than willing and happy to sit with you, if okay? Also, sending you a ton of support and care. 💕💕💕:hug:

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@abhaya - there's never any pressure to give anything more than what you have.  Please know that this community appreciates all of the support you have given and all of the contributions you've made.  I know I've said this many times and will gladly say it to anyone who might need to hear it - it's OKAY to NOT BE OKAY.  Remember, these are temporary feelings and not going to last forever.  You'll get your spoons back - I promise.  

Sending you love and hugs - hoping this finds you in a better place now that a few weeks have gone by.  Looking forward to hearing how you've been. 

- Cap

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