Let me know if anyone can relate...
I have three therapists. One is a talk therapist, where we discuss past traumas and day to day stressors. One is a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapist) therapist and with her we try to work on my anxiety disorder as well as my borderline personality disorder. This is the therapy where I create my tools and learn how to implement them. Meditation, grounding techniques, deep breathing. Lastly, I have my psychiatrist. This woman is a Dr. and nothing more. She prescribes me my Klonopin and begs me to take Zoloft, which I refuse. All my therapists have one thing in common, they try to teach me about my personal responsibility and ability to be in control. They also warn me of the behaviors that can trigger anxiety, depressive mood and full blown emotional outbursts. I constantly hear from them how my anxiety is in my control, it does not come from outside of me but inside of me and I have the power to control it, it does not have the power to control me. It is empowering and beautiful, and easier said than done.
What I struggle with the most is, "these are the things you should not do." Let me list them.
- eat bad foods
- starve yourself
- sleep all day
- stay up all night
- don't follow a routine
- lack a self care routine
- don't exercise
- stay in the house all day
- isolate yourself
- speak negatively about yourself
- over medicate
Through personal research I know I should also avoid...
- porn (excessive, manic masturbation-which I am very guilty of)
- excessive social media scrolling
From my research I know it is important not to do these things because they overstimulate us (which can trigger panic and anxiety), they distract us from our self care and they can trigger dissociation. Which is my least favorite symptom of my PTSD because I consistently dissociate and consistently pretend "everything is fine," and than always act surprised when everything is not fine, I still have mental illness and I still suffer from the things I suffer from. This is when I overeat taco bell 3 times in one week, stay up all night, sleep all day, isolate myself and stay in the house, and overall lack a self care routine. This usually always results in some type of emotional outburst. It can be a panic attack, leading me to over medicate, it can be an act of anger and rebellion, or it can be a full blown 5year old's tantrum. It is a perpetual cycle that creates more stress, more drama than what is needed and more pain.
You may read this and think, "wow this person is really self aware, she must handle her issues very well." My issue is that no matter how self-aware I am, I don't do anything to stop what is avoidable.
So I am writing this because I found myself falling into a cycle of abuse. I'm laying in bed, I'm restless, I'm having trouble getting tired, like I usually struggle with at night. I washed my face, even though I struggled mentally to want to do so. I did my night routine (for the most part- I have this self hating compulsion to never brush my teeth). I am lying in bed but I started the sequence. Checking FB every 5 minutes (nothing new), scrolling through instagram (nothing new on there either), compulsively checking youtube for things to watch (watched it all) and doing everything but the things I probably should do...
- turn off the light
And then my favorite compulsion arises. My obsessive need to watch porn and masturbate. Instead I picked up my laptop to write this blog that no one will read BUT even as I am writing I desperately want to lay back, open up xvideos and spend a good 30 minutes entering a world that is pure fantasy and escapism. I am not saying there is anything wrong with porn and masturbation but I do not have a healthy relationship and that cycle ALWAYS triggers a panic attack. 'Cause it is 2AM now, I will watch and cum, I will then listen to music, watch again, cum again and I will overstimulate myself to the point of pure anxiety.
I have to take the time to understand why I would want to do something like this. I feel a little lonely, I am not happy still with the situation I recapped in my last post (refer) ...and I am overall avoiding the obvious. I need to do what is good for me. I need to love myself, and I need to care about myself.
Again, let me know if anyone out there can relate or if anyone out here has anything to say. I know I might be typing to a void, I don't care. I would really love my blog to be an open space to talk about anything and everything. Where we can say our deepest, darkest, nastiest thoughts that make us "hate" ourselves. I know us survivors find any reason to hate ourselves based off of traumas we didn't ask for.