My natural way is to be super open and without filter. It feels wrong and sort of hurtful to edit what I am saying, in person or email, so I tend to open my mouth and start talking or writing from the heart and let it all out before I can become self conscious. Online this means I hit send before I have doubts or go back and read it again and over analyze sentences and paragraphs to delete or reword.
I worry this is selfish and I should stop. I think it could be. I'd like to think that maybe true connection to my friends and family is to tell them exactly where I am, and not pretend or withdraw from them when it's not positive. But it has to hurt them to hear that I am presently in pain, and maybe that's unnecessary. If I withdraw and only connect when I am well, then they only have to deal with me when I am my normal (I think positive) self.
I don't know. I'm not good socially and I cheat by just being exactly who I am. My friends are so super nice, and it is so helpful to me to connect with them, in both good times and bad, but especially when I am feeling bad. I so, so, appreciate that and feel so loved by it. But I also think, I could and maybe should not do that. I could just be silent, or pretend, and only be authentic again when I am wholly well. This profound sadness I have is entirely mine, and maybe shouldn't be shared.