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matts

A blog by matts in General

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Self conscious about imposing on friends

matts

Entry posted by matts ·

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My natural way is to be super open and without filter. It feels wrong and sort of hurtful to edit what I am saying, in person or email, so I tend to open my mouth and start talking or writing from the heart and let it all out before I can become self conscious. Online this means I hit send before I have doubts or go back and read it again and over analyze sentences and paragraphs to delete or reword.

I worry this is selfish and I should stop. I think it could be. I'd like to think that maybe true connection to my friends and family is to tell them exactly where I am, and not pretend or withdraw from them when it's not positive. But it has to hurt them to hear that I am presently in pain, and maybe that's unnecessary. If I withdraw and only connect when I am well, then they only have to deal with me when I am my normal (I think positive) self. 

I don't know. I'm not good socially and I cheat by just being exactly who I am. My friends are so super nice, and it is so helpful to me to connect with them, in both good times and bad, but especially when I am feeling bad. I so, so, appreciate that and feel so loved by it. But I also think, I could and maybe should not do that. I could just be silent, or pretend, and only be authentic again when I am wholly well. This profound sadness I have is entirely mine, and maybe shouldn't be shared.

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matts

I changed my mind. I don't think it's right to hide or pretend. I talked this through with two people and they convinced me that they will tell me if I am too much, and that they want to help and be with me whether I am happy or sad.

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behindthesehazeleyes
On 8/27/2020 at 1:00 PM, matts said:

I changed my mind. I don't think it's right to hide or pretend. I talked this through with two people and they convinced me that they will tell me if I am too much, and that they want to help and be with me whether I am happy or sad.

Yay! That’s so good...I have tried to become the same way...it’s a process. I find truth very important....being truthful about my emotions is what is so hard for me, I think because if I am being truthful with them, and saying it out loud..I have to be truthful with myself, which is much harder.

Good for you for not sensoring yourself for others. I have had a lifetime of it and it gets very exhausting and I don’t think it’s healthy. 

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matts
10 minutes ago, behindthesehazeleyes said:

being truthful about my emotions is what is so hard for me, I think because if I am being truthful with them, and saying it out loud..I have to be truthful with myself, which is much harder.

Thank you, yes, I now believe that completely. I still feel a little selfish for 'imposing' this by sharing my pain with them, but ... dammit I would want to help them if it was reversed. So I try not to feel bad about it. But also, you are right, by putting it to words, and being honest with them, it is hard, because it forces me to be more honest with myself. And, you're so right, it's so exhausting, and invalidating, to censor myself. And not me, not who I normally am in any other part of my life.

Thank you, again.

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abhaya

Wow, thank you for posting this @matts, I resonate so very much.  I am glad you've got a good support network that you trust and that they've said they will tell you if it's too much.  I struggle with  this myself, and I can't seem to shift the part of me that wholeheartedly believes that I shouldn't take up space or people's time and attention, even though I have absolutely no problem being there for others and holding space for whatever may be coming up for them--heck, I picked that for a profession! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate how open you (and others on AS) are about your experiences and your healing journey.  It's huge to see that I'm not alone and that so many of my experiences are similar. 🙂

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matts

@abhaya Same back to you -- thank you for being here and adding your voice. I've learned from you.

And, I agree, after years of thinking I was the only one-- it feels so good to hang out with other survivors and feel, like, mundane, a total normie.

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abhaya

Yes!  I don't know what music you like but that reminds me of a Blues Traveler song called "Mount Normal." Like becoming "normal" take so much work and so much risk just to be able to reach what most people do just by existing. It's such a relief to know that it's already where I am and I don't have to be somebody else.

Glad I can be part of your support circle, @matts.  Lean on me anytime. 🙂

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