Everything seems so distorted and tainted. I feel like my relationships and sexuality come from a dark place. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been traumatized and have been in bad situations. It’s hard to talk about because It makes me feel sick. Relationships, desires, and sexuality are suppose to make you feel liberated not like there’s something wrong with you.
I got more promiscuous after I was sexually assaulted. I went on dates with men I barley knew and would let the man do what he wanted. Then I craved something different entirely. The way I can best explain it is apart of me felt I needed to be punished. And I wanted to find the people who could punish me.
I found one man online who took me to a hotel and invited his friends over. They hit me and blindfolded me and had me perform various sex acts. I was all for this. It felt liberating and was a huge rush. When I got home I could barley walk Or sit down because of an injury I sustained. I remember not being able to look at myself in the mirror.
I feel disgusting. The more I think on it the more I realize Whatever preference I have comes from somewhere twisted.
I prefer older men because I’ve have always gotten attention from older men even as a child.
My relationships with men aren’t always healthy. In fact I seem to find emotionally unavailable men, toxic men or sexual deviants.
I like it rough and I like the man to have control.
what is wrong with me?!?
I feel like I am the problem and no matter how hard I try to find something good, I can’t .
I feel unworthy and like some sort of freak even though I haven’t done anything super crazy anymore. I still have some of those lingering desires. I’ve been afraid to talk about this for fear of judgment but then again what have I got to loose?
This has been on my mind and ever present as I try to move forward. It feels good getting it out in the open. Even if I’m viewed as a disgusting, sick person.