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I fear...

Goldeneye

Entry posted by Goldeneye ·

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To collapse completely. I'm seen as a tank my my friends. They don't even know what happened during too many years... I always keep going forward, I aim and reach my objectives. During college I collapsed for the first time. I stopped college, but I kept going to school after. When I dropped, I reoriented myself. Anyways, I didn't like it. I never took a break to think, it was a continuous reflections. I ended working, went back to school and now working and studying to reach the last level of my job. Since I started writing it, I did an exam and I had 90%, so I finally reached it.

But I fear to collage completely and to stop for the first time. I can't, I don't want, but it almost arrived just before we signed for the land we bought. No one noticed except my gf. I started to have flashbacks before sleeping, to do nightmares, I barely could sleep I would shake like a leaf on the morning or when touched, I would be always sad. It was a big nightmare. It took 4 months to come back to around 60-70% of how well I was before this. One day things were alright the other day I would see him and I'd go in hell. But I didn't collapse completely. 

I remember that time when I was being raped, but I was emotionless. It wouldn't impact at all on my mood, on my life... On my thoughts. I was that tank that my friends were and are seeing. Today, I'm fragile and I fear to collapse one day.

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marcyabadeer

Goldie- :( you are not fragile my friend. It is about that time when we start to realize things for what they were and feel traumatized again. Being numb to the repeated abuse is the way we survived. Now that we are safe from that treatment, we can’t help but see how things were so out of hand with the abuse. It is normal that we collapse every once in a while- we survived horrible things. I am sorry you are feeling this way. Sitting with you always 🌻

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Goldeneye

@samantha2009

Thank you for your support and explanations. They are very appreciated. 

I know it's normal to collapse someway or a little to medium, but I fear the day, if it happens one day, that I could collapse and stop moving. I fear to paralyse, to be unable to get out of bed and to go to work. More I think about it, I think I fear to lose control over myself.

Thank you again and I'll think about what you said. 

Goldie

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