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I'm probably being paranoid


AllyHatter

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To whom it may concern,

I apologise for today's entry. I'm writing it on my phone. I've never been afraid to lose someone. Like relationship wise. I usually am with a person because they seem like they like having me around and I like having someone around. Anyone...I just figured...I dont really get feelings. At least not those kinds...or maybe I already feel them and I dont even know it!...

Then I met jill. She's so strange haha. And makes me feel so strange...she is unsocial and scary but secretly she hates confrontation. She's outgoing and yet she knows better then to go rock climbing on her days off because her body needs rest so she can take on another week of work. She's beautiful. Even to men which is funny because when I first met her I mistook her for a guy. But her beauty...it shines through whatever hair cut or hoodie she wants to hide behind. Everyone wants to be around her. Even just her presence at work makes her whole restaurant feel different. Believe me I've experienced both settings. And yet..

A few days ago I noticed she felt...off...she wasn't saying hi as often...she wasn't...happy to see me...she was quick to leave work...and I just had this uneasy feeling in my stomach I've never felt before...even thought I might be sick.

Now she tells me she's going through some mental stuff and needs a minute...I understand that. I can be a lot...life can be alot...work can be alot...so I'm trying to give her a minute and usually I wouldn't even think twice about it. It wouldn't hurt me...it wouldn't affect me...I wouldn't play out scenarios in my head

But with her everything's always different...I guess if you want to know brightness...you have to know darkness...I know a lot of us know that. But I've never been scared of losing someone...ive always just dealt with it and moved on but I feel things now I've never felt before and I wonder...will I be ok to go back to that darkness...with no light. No feeling. No smiles. No laughs. I never liked that place...

But I suppose I shouldn't be selfish. I love her. I want her to be ok. And even if that means she needs to leave...it'll be ok. I just want her happiness. 

Sincerely yours,

Alice.

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