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Second


Kham

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So I'm going to leave the last post up, I guess. It was actually the third one I wrote, but I deleted the previous two out of fear and anxiety. I've only ever had one good therapist, and in fact she was amazing. I told her some things that happened to me, but it was always highly sanitized. And she was great because she knew I was holding plenty back, but she let me go at my own pace and never tried to force me to discuss things I didn't want to. And whenever I got overwhelmed, she let me change the subject so I didn't walk out "a mess," as she said. I never cried in front of her, though there were numerous times I thought I might. So I held onto my man card, lol. 

But she seemed to believe in the cliche that it's our secrets that make us sick. I don't know if that's true, but I do know they can be very heavy. For me, the csa is a main one I still hold - even when friends have disclosed their own experiences, I have never taken those opportunities to reciprocate my own. I have, however, been more forthcoming with people in my life about the physical abuse, I guess because it's a more masculine thing to suffer. The csa, because it was done my a male, threatens all sorts of aspects of my sexuality and gender identity - aspects with which I already struggle. So I fear that letting this out of the bag would make everything else obvious as well. I only told my therapist that "something" more than physical abuse happened - though without offering any details - in my very last session, almost as a parting gift. I certainly never told her about the dysphoria. 

 

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