I am supposed to be doing better. Why? Because I left those who are hurting me, grandparents, uncles, and basically everyone on my fathers side of the family. I am dead to them.

This decision was necessarily, I know that, but it´s not something I wanted. I wanted to be able to live in peace with everyone. But they wouldn´t let me go so I had to take that step. How do I feel? Empty, scared, sad. I might have lost my father by doing this. And that breaks my heart.

My depression and anxiety has gotten worse since this happened which was like two weeks ago and I didn´t even had the energy to write here.

I have moodswings like crazy, and the scary thing is that my school starts in a couple of weeks. And I need to go back because I can´t be a burden to my family any longer. But I have absolutely no desire at all to go back. To be honest I have given up on this whole make myself a life thing. I can´t, I don´t, I won´t. But I will. For my family and friends. Who are all happy now because apparently going back to school is a "positive sign".

Yeah so positive my selfharm is getting worse, anxiety is more painful, and my disordered eating is getting out of hand. I yeah, I take meds that make me sleep until ten in the morning.

I see more reasons not to go to school, and I am sure it will all go to hell. So yeah let´s go around and pretend it´s a good thing and ignore how messed up I still am.