To whom it may concern,
Today, I feel...weird. I don't really feel like its been a bad day. Somehow, I just went through the motions without really realizing what I was doing today. I just kinda snapped into it a few moments ago when I started writing. Seems like I may have been having a few of these days lately but I haven't really realized it 'till now. I know I went to work. I know I smiled and made jokes like I always do. I know I went for a smoke at lunch but I feel like these are someone else's memories. Like I wasn't the one who did those things.
I kinda feel like someone else has been controlling my body today. I don't know how I feel. I guess I'm a little empty right now. I don't know if I had a good day or a bad day. I know that hearing from Connor today made me smile. I know that getting a promotion at work made me smile. I know that I felt okay all day yet right now I don't feel like I did any of those things...
Anyone else have this feeling? I don't know if I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with today or if I'm scared that I've completely disassociated with reality. I wanna be in my little dream world but then coming back and realizing I could have lived a good day kinda scares me. What if reality isn't so bad and now that things are finally looking up, I'm not there to live it.
I guess it really is all or nothing eh? Either you disassociate and miss out on the bad...and the good or you live through the bad but get to experience the beautiful wonders of this world. I guess I don't really know how to live in this world anymore. But I will do better. I will start taking the bad with the good. I will not dissapear and let someone else live my life for me. Today's the day I take control again. I have to....or I'll just wither away and I might miss out on the smiles I get to experience with Connor...my sister...my friends...my family...what if I miss out on a life with them? I don't wanna lose the chance to experience my little sister's graduation from medical school or my nephew's first day of school or my first date with Connor. I want to live this life....whether it has some sad parts in it or not...at the end of the day...it's my life and I have to accept that and live it.