I heard back from the online college I want to take, they want to schedule a phone interview to discuss how bad my dyslexia is.

I spent all day yesterday with this is big knot in my stomach and depressed waiting to hear back from them. Because I just knew they weren't going to want anything to do with me. The little voice in the back of my head is kind of an asshole. And current project I'm working on right now doesn't keep me busy enough not to think about all this.

Remembering that I played t- ball unlocked a couple more memories from that time frame. I remember seeing E in uniform so I guess he was a coach. So we were in the Boy Scouts and the baseball league at the first house, and then we weren't.

I remember seeing night of the Living Dead at the drive-in. So that gives me a date to work around, it was released October of 1968. I remember sitting in lawn chairs in front of the car watching the movie.

I know that doesn't seem important, having an actual date, but it's important to me

I remember the first house E&M had friends over and they were drunk, and they made us go to bed. And I remember thinking as I was going to bed that they were going to have sex. I've always kind of had this memory and I always believed it was a swingers party. This was the late 1960s early 1970s. I would have been a bit young to know what wife swapping was, so that may not have been the first time that happened.

I have the impression that it was just us boys that were sent to bed, that they let J stay up. But that's just a suspicion.

I believe I went to kindergarten to third grade at the first house. I started fourth grade I believe at the first Farm. I only have a couple of memories of actually going to school during those years.

One of the reasons I married my wife it's because she's very sexual, and I confuse sex with love. I think that is because of the CSA, because when I was young I was taught if you love someone you have sex with them. I really wish I could remember more details of what happened.

I have vivid memories of A & J playing sex games with me, flashes of E standing naked in front of me. And I have a memory my mom being naked in front of me. That could just be from a small child walking in on his mother while she was changing her clothes. But like I mentioned earlier I have the impression that E had at least me watch them have sex.

I've got a few more flashes of memory, but I want to firm them up some before I discuss them.

And as for my current psychological state, my hyper-vigilance is in overdrive,the low grade headache is constant, my anxiety levels are ramped up. There's some mental confusion, lethargy depression and I'm beginning to slur words. I think I'm dropping back into that heavy Midwest accent I had as a child, I've asked my wife to catch me if I do that.

I Googled Earth the area I grew up in. Trying to find the three Farms. I was unable to. That area has been built up a lot since my childhood, and those Farms may no longer exist. The only one that does exist is the cousin's Farm. Apparently it's a cultural landmark.

I found the first house and that's brought up a couple of memories. It was a real estate listing so it showed the outside from ground level. Hopefully I can use this to pry a few more doors open.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago I talked to my brother about trying to remember. I haven't heard anything from that front . A couple of days later I got a phone call from my mother, we usually just text. Because between her slurring words from the strokes and my hearing loss from working construction and an ear injury talking on the phone is hard. But this time her speech was clear  and I got the impression that she was waiting for me to ask questions .  But I don't see any reason to put her through it, I believe she was just as beaten-down as the rest of us. A couple of days ago I got a text and a phone call from my brother saying that Mom is hallucinating and not to believe anything she tells me. He sent a group text to everyone asking them to unfriend her on Facebook. I have not done that and probably won't.

Now a suspicious and cynical person, which I am, would think he's trying to isolate her so that she can't tell me what actually happened. Because I do believe that my brother used me once he went into puberty. And he's trying to psyops me into not believing anything she tells me. We'll see.