I have believed that God was female since I was about 8. I have a memory of J reading us from the bible in her room. Yes the same room she molested me in. I remember saying " This is all bullshit" and leaving. I don't think they included me in bible study again.

I remember going to Sunday school or it's Equivalent. I don't think I went very many times , because I was disruptive . I think we were some from of protestant . Both my Mother and sister converted to Catholicism later in life .  Even though if I remember correctly my grandfather hated Catholics .

I probably rejected Christianity due to what was being done to me by people who claim to be Christians . And I liked the thought of God as a loving mother who cared for me because I didn't have a real mother who did.

From the time M remarried W to the time I married my wife I was completely isolated from the rest of the world . Even in the military I was like that due to the behavioral problems from the abuse . And being raped didn't help .

A couple of years into M and W's marriage he trusted the wrong people , and they embezzled most of his companies money and collapsed it . He had to file bankruptcy and we lost everything . 

 From the time the company collapsed till I joined the military and after I got back from the military and before I married my wife my only reason for existence , according to my family , was to take care of them. I had to make up for all the terrible things I had done as a child . They blamed the incest on me . I pretty much worked for my dad for free , and all the money we made went to make sure my sister had a nice life . I had to make it up to her  because of how perverted I was as a six-year-old when she was 9.J and A would never do anything like that, it was all me.

 In my reading I have found that in abusive families there's a tendency to pick a scapegoat and in mine  that would be me.

 I met my wife because she worked for a while as the secretary at the fly-by-night company we put together. Not for very long because all the money we made went to a bar my dad bought for my sister . That didn't last long because J spent all the money coming in on herself. You can't have a bar if you don't have money to buy beer.

 My wife hunted me down the day she got her divorce papers from her first husband , who was an emotionally abusive piece of shit . To show you how screwed up I was  she did everything short of climbing out of the vehicle and laying naked on the hood of the car to get the idea through me she wanted to go out on a date with me. Why would a nice person want to have anything to do with an animal like me . She told me later that as dense as I was being she thought I was gay . 

 She told me later on that one of the reason she wanted to date me was because while she was working for us I gave her a ride home a couple of times and didn't try anything . And she wanted to date someone different from the usual men she dated .

 She tricked me into marrying her , she talked to me and I'd didn't to know how to handle that  . LOL 

 I still can't believe somebody that gorgeous actually married me , we got married fairly quickly and even with all the trouble due to our mentally handicapped child and her mental illness I have absolutely no regrets doing it . 

 She's the one that told me based on my belief system that I am a witch . She always laughingly referred to us as a solitary nonpractitioners . And I been doing that for 30 years now.

 Well due to the limitations placed on me by the TBI , and my age , I simply don't have 10 years to put in to get a PhD,  my plan for counseling is to go less the college route and more the spiritual route. That at least will involve less calculus and essay writing LOL .

Plus taking care of two chronically ill people and living off the grid is time-consuming . That's another thing gonna give you PTSD by the way . So if anyone reading this  , and I'm kinda surprised that people actually are , and are taking care of someone who is chronically ill you should go in and get help for that.

But even doing that route requires a bunch of reading and schooling , so during my wife's weekend off from our child she and my son are looking for a tablet or a computer that I can do the studying on. Due to us living off the grid I have an hour and a half commute one way to work each day . Don't see any reason why I can't have a computer read a book to me while I do that . And while I have very limited concept for personal safety even I know reading and driving is stupid. 

 I'm also going to be looking into the concept of self-care , I take care myself just enough not to die . I probably should put a little bit more effort into that.  Of course that's one of  the first things to go for a lot of people  once you start taking care someone who's chronically ill. You devote so much time and energy in taking care them you simply don't have time take care yourself . And also having CPTSD doesn't help with that.