As I read stuff on this page and other pages I found that one of the recurring theme of survivors of CSA is that they wall themselves off, that they built walls between themselves and the outside world so they don't get hurt again.

I don't think I built a fortress I built a prison.

After the rape at 20 and the suicide attempt I quit drinking. And I looked back on all those years of drunken violent rage and I took that broken thing and I locked in the cage. And every time it looked like it was going to escape I would just put up another wall, another set of bars, more razor wire entanglements. I simply could not let that thing out.

I was so scared that it would get out and hurt those that I love.

I think that that maybe one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time remembering, as I spent decades looking for signs that it was going to get out, and telling myself don't think ,that don't do that.

I wasn't scared of letting other people in and getting hurt, I was scared of letting me out and hurting them.

I'm not saying that this was better or worse it's just the way I did it.