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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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Another ridiculous thing.

Gordy

Entry posted by Gordy ·

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I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done.

I'm currently welding  in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where I can see. So I'm having a hard time running a good bead.

I have a guy working with me, he is my fire watch. His job is to make sure that I don't set anything on fire while I'm welding. He's a first-year Apprentice who's never welded anything in his life. And I am stressed out that he's sitting there judging me on my welding skills.

What I'm working on is just this side of impossible and here I am worrying that this first-year Apprentice thinks I don't know what I'm doing. He doesn't know enough to judge if I know what I'm doing or not, but I'm all worried about it.

Couple that with I'm in the dark room by myself with an adult male, I'm in vulnerable position and my face is covered and I can't see. Yeah a little bit of anxiety there.

And if need be I could break this guy in half. Doesn't matter. Still stressing.

And since I decided to start working on this I realized that I've always done that, I'm always worried if the homeless guy we hired from the Home Depot parking lot as a day laborer is judging me on my performance.

And that's just ridiculous

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 Comments

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matts

I also have that fear of being in a confined space with someone else. My sensitivity varies a lot with how I am doing overall. Sometimes I'm strong enough that I only get this when it's a certain type of adult male, in a small room, and they have to be between me and the exit. Other times I'm so sensitive that that fear comes in a large space (like a grocery store or airport), with lots of random people.

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butterfly2625

Matts, first let me say that I am sorry that this happened to you and you have to experience being uncomfortable around Adult Males. 

You mentioned that sometimes you are strong enough that your fears only happen around certain males. I glad to hear that you are facing your fears and the more you face them the stronger you become. I want to encourage you to take your time. This is your life and your pace. 

 

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matts

@butterfly2625 Thank you. I don't know how to say this, but sometimes I feel so screwed up that it's really meaningful to receive a message like yours. And you're right. The pace I want right now is 'take my time'.

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Gordy

With me it's pretty much all males. There like a 4 ft circle around me it they step into that circle it makes me uncomfortable. And every now and then, if they are with 2 ft I will have intrusive thoughtsthat they going to do something sexual.

Because for the first 5 years after it ended I went with rage and alcohol I immediately prepare for violence.

This is even with people I sort of trust.

There's a joke meme floating around the internet that says the only person I trust is me and that's pretty damn iffy.

For me that's not a joke, there's evil in my head and I have to keep it locked down. 

 

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matts

I also get those intrusive thoughts. When a male is in my personal space I feel like I'm about to be raped. Usually I am ok if it's within a crowd, like on a subway during rush hour, but not if there's something off with the male.

I've never gone the violence/rage path. I just feel gross and helpless.

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Gordy

I am uncomfortable in crowds. Too many people to watch. 

The violence /rage it's not something I would recommend LOL.

I don't like having that in me.

 

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