On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up . 

I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked from the waist down , yell while snapping his belt till he decided with one to punish. Usually me. I don't think he beat on J much, he was doing other things to her.

I don't recall how long the naked line ups went on.

When I talked to my brother the other night he told E beat on me more then the others because I was an instigator . So I guess it was alright then because if I just kept my mouth shut it won't  have been as bad . 

 I remembered three times that I instigated things, I have already spoken about when he tried to drown me .

 On the first farm , he would line us up in the kitchen again naked from the waist down . One time he was screaming at us and told us that he wasn't our real father , use degrading language to describe us and then demanded that we call him by Mr. His Surname. So I did . He was displeased and that earn me a beating 

 Another time he had us lined up , screaming at us he told us not to Breath without his permission . So I raise my hand , he was like what , and I asked "can I Breath now " yup that was a beating.

I like to think I was doing it to draw attention away from them.

 If it wasn't a surprise backhand or a punch to the face , his preferred method of punishment was to bend me over naked on his lap and beat on me with a leather belt. He would always say" this hurts me more than it hurt you " I have a vague recollection , of him at least once, rubbing the welts with the palm of his hand in a soothing manner . Telling me he was only doing it for my own good. I can't help but feel that by doing that he was sexualizing the act.

I remember I had nightmares as a child , of an adult man coming in to a darkened room to do bad things to me , I think they were nightmares , they may be memory fragments . 

I still don't remember much from the second farm, and very little from the last farm and the house we lived in after E left.

I may repeat myself on this blog , as the longer it gets I may forget about what I've already spoken about . The timeline and events may change as the memories become clearer. I'm also beginning to realize that I have very few memories with my mother in them most of them are of E or us kids 

 I'm trying to maintain a clinical detachment for these memories , yeah that's not working .