Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me modeling my new panties in front of my dad at seven, you are the mom who saw me cry after being dropped home from his place, was happy because I loved you more than him. Your new identity has caused me so much pain, I protected you for 43 years, it was my main role in life, my daughter suffered, my husbandsuffered because I put so much energy into defending you and it was for nothing, you were a monster too, he took my innocence, my sexuality, you took my idenity, my confidence, my soul so I am left empty, lost in my pain, being a burden to my daughter just as you were to me. I would rather be gone than become you in any capacity, am lost still who I am after losing you three years ago.