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teleahstears

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teleah

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Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after lunch he grabbed my hand " Thanks to your mouth, he is no longer interested ", then pushed my 17 year old large shaking frame in his car. the rest is blank. not sure i want to know what else happened, but all of this has been unstuck and seems to want to be spoken, i did tell my hubby and he said yep sounds like something he would do, i guess i wanted to hear, oh honey i am so sorry he did that, but he is who he is. The other words that have been unstuck has to do with an anniversary, four years ago tomorrow. TW.....Four years ago I went out to the forest to a gun stand with a rope and a ladder, i stood there for a long time and put rope over head then i froze, in shock i had gone that far, i threw the rope down and got my hubby, he brought the ladder and rope in. did the bills and decided i could not afford treatment so i put the stuff away and now i can honestly say that was an attempt or a rehearsal which i never had said out loud to anyone not even a therapist, so now i have said these hurtful words but i have no idea how to process them. i hope saying them here is enough for them to go away, go hide where they were before stuck in a deep box in my heart, a girl can hope, thank you for listening again, teleah

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