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Trying to heal from my past

Sunshineandlove

Entry posted by Sunshineandlove ·

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Hi... so I'm not even really sure where to start with this.

I have never opened up to anyone about this until recently and was told that I should share my story with other people who have gone through similar experiences regarding sexual abuse.

 

I never really even knew I was actually sexually abused until I started getting older and all the repressed memories kept popping into my mind and I could not escape it. It's taking me a while to accept this.

I was sexually abused when I was around 10-11 years old and now I am 26. I was sexually abused by someone who I thought was my friend, we were the same age. The person was a female and I am a female. She came on to me and we had sexual intercourse. At the time, I was too young to process what was going on. I could not speak up for myself because I did not even understand why that was happening. She was my friend, well I thought she was. I don't know if she was sexually abused when she was even younger that had caused her to do that, and I won't ever know because we are not friends anymore. Obviously that is a good thing. But, all I know is that I trusted her and then she did that to me. She sexually abused me, something I never thought I could actually say out loud or even think I was a victim to it. Growing up I had the memory of it and I never expressed it to anyone, so now it is going on almost 16 years since I've let this out. I have not even told my parents, but I told my therapist recently. I am going through a lot of painful emotions and feelings since I've let this secret out. It's been extremely hard to heal from this and I did not even realize all the negative things that stemmed from me being sexually abused. I have trust issues because I trusted her and she abused my trust. I have trust issues in my adult life now for something that happened in my childhood. I am getting older and I want to move on from my past to have peace of mind and a better life for myself, it's an everyday struggle but I am fighting to try and push through all of these negative memories and emotions from my past that has haunted me. I recently graduated with my psychology degree, and I know that I want to help people and eventually be a therapist or a child psychologist. I always knew that I wanted to help people and now it is even more clear to me why. Because I was sexually abused and I want to help other people work through these negative memories and come out even stronger because that is what I ultimately want for myself. But, I know that I still have a lot of work to do on my path of healing and if talking about it and letting other people know that it is possible to heal from being sexually abused as a child helps then I know it's something that will help me too.. It feels better to even write and express all of this. 

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CrimsonRegrets

It's the same with me. I never knew anything happened to me until i turned 20 and I started having nightmares and flashbacks. Except I still have no clue what happened to me. I know it wasn't another child though I'm pretty sure it was an adult.

And I'm not trying to excuse what she did but odds are she herself was being abused or touched inappropriately. Children aren't capable of rape. They mimic the things adults teach them. I hope I don't sound insensitive by saying that because it's still traumatic either way.

I'm glad that your using your experience to help people. The world needs good therapists that understand instead of just having textbook knowledge.

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Sunshineandlove

You don't sound insensitive at all, I actually thank you for your perspective. I'm happy that you reached out and I hope you gain more clarity to your experience. I am very sorry for what happened to you. My experience is still traumatic for me because it brings up all these emotions, like questioning my sexuality, feeling shame like why couldn't I stop it and judgement, it's like you can't just heal over night even though I wish I could. It's a long and painful process. 

But thank you for reaching out. I'm glad someone did.

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LostButLearning

HI! I recently joined the cite and just came across this post. Thanks for sharing your story! I, too, was assaulted by my female best friend. So, I understand many of the struggles you are going through with trust issues, sexuality, and just the shame. I'm really glad you choose to come here to share your story, as it helps me validate my past experiences. 

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