Today I looked trough my journal. Well it´s not so much a journal, but more like a book to get my feelings out when it´s too much going on in my head. No dates, just notes, sometimes I ramble on for pages, sometimes it´s just some words or a drawing. One of the first things I wrote was right after the third rape, so sometime in January this year.

Sometimes I feel so empty. Like I have shut down and can´t feel anything. I don´t have the energy to think. When I do, it´s all bad thoughts and horrible feelings. Better to just stop feeling and pretend I am doing okay when the truth is I am far from being okay. I am struggling, but I want someone to tell me why I should keep trying. I never knew it could be so hard to live. I just want to cry, but the tears aren´t coming. God, I am so messed up I can´t even cry. What is wrong with me? People say it gets better and that I should stay strong. I just want to scream at them, tell them to shut the hell up. It doesn´t get better, it just gets worse and worse. And it´s my fault because I stay in this situation, I let them hurt me again and again, and I am so ashamed. So no I am not strong. Am I weak, I am falling apart and I am tired of trying. I am not strong, not strong enough to handle this. And I am going crazy. I just want to cry and cry. Someone please help me. I am so alone. I just want someone to hold me. I can´t do this anymore.

God, I wrote this in January. It´s September now and I am not doing better. Still the same sad girl, in her sad, messed up world.