Hello my friends...hoping each of you are having a lovely day!

I've had a draining couple of days, so please, please (with fat free whipped cream on top) forgive me for not updating this sooner.  Fear not, though - I've spent some time thinking up actual blog-worthy topics non-related to my kids (although they may be mentioned from time to time) or my current weight-loss journey.  

All I'll say about the latter, though, is last week, I only dropped.  One. Stinking. Pound.  Perhaps that can be attributed to my binge on chicken wings the other night, or it could very well be due to not drinking as much water as I did the week before.  I did vent to Oompa and she assured me that 'the check is in the mail.'  For once, I'm going to trust her and listen to her - not because she IS right a small percentage of the time, but because I'm down 12.6 pounds in three weeks - this isn't a bad thing.  It's slow and frustrating when the numbers aren't rolling back as quickly but the weight is STILL coming off.  And I have to remember, I ate my chicken wings and had pizza two days in a row last week and STILL lost that one stinking pound.  

Okay, enough about that.  That weigh-in update is only there because of my once-a-week promise - no one wants to hear about these things in every blog post.  

Now, moving onto other possible topics that I want to share my thoughts on.

I've been seeing a lot of things posted recently, a lot of things that I can definitely relate to and as part of my own healing process, feel the occasional need to discuss.  I'll call it, 'maintenance.'  I define maintenance as simply touching up on these things before it builds up into something more severe, something that eventually I'll slap myself in the back of the head for not having dealt with sooner.

Note, these are not things that I am currently struggling with - I honestly can't say I've been struggling with anything abuse or sexual assault related in years.  However, once in a great while, things tap me on the shoulder and remind me they're still there - but usually, I'll respond with, 'yes, I know you're still here.  I've got too much going on with my life right now, and I'm not going to give you any thought right now.'  And it goes away, for a little while.  It never disappears completely, and that's actually okay with me.  I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect existence; we've all got our demons.  Some of us are just better at completely ignoring these demons in order to function while others have their daily battles.  I like to think I'm somewhere in between - and being  'in-betweener,' isn't something that I consider to be a weakness at all - it just reminds me of the fact that we're all just trying to get through life, we all have our methods, we all have our ways of coping.  But it also reminds me - I've got shit that pops up from time to time and there's never, ever going to be a time when maintenance is not needed.

I'm going to also say that happened to me has made me stronger.  It's taught me more about myself, about LIFE than any schooling ever did.  Some things I cannot remember nor make sense of, but I'm able to, at this point, understand why I'm feeling a certain way, even in some cases, recognize the reasons for my own reactions.  

So...I'm going to keep working on lists of things to discuss in depth - shout out to those of you who have posted about these things recently - it's possible you inspired me.   For now though, here are a few things for you to look forward to in future upcoming blogs.

- I'm going to talk about (sexuality) labels and why I don't feel that they apply to me, or to anyone else.  However, know this - if someone else is accepting of their label, I am one hundred percent supportive of that, because my thoughts on it are not going to match everyone else's.  I'm mostly sharing my own perspective on this.  I've been asked what I consider myself.  Am I gay, straight, bisexual?  The short answer to this is - none of the above.  The long answer will be revealed later.  

- I'm going to compose a letter to three of the main abusers in my life, possibly four.  And, I'd like to warn everyone - I'm not going to be very nice.  So when you see that particular blog entry, please do proceed with caution and know that it WILL likely be triggering.  Because things like that, well...there's no sugarcoating.  It's pure unfiltered anger, and I'm going to allow myself to be angry.  I'm going to put it all right here where it belongs, and direct it toward those who deserve it.  My thinking is - I've held it in for far too long and it's an important piece of maintenance that SHOULD be done far more often than I've done it.

- I'm going to talk about the old me vs. the me I am today.  I'm going to have a little trouble with this one since I have suspicions of CSA having occurred when I was a child; things I cannot remember too clearly now and only have fragmented memories to support these suspicions.  These suspicions didn't start until I was an adult, so my time-line is now a huge question mark.  I was originally dealing with the before and after the SA that occurred in 1996, now I'm not sure if the 'after' began much sooner than that.  Was I ever normal?  (Don't answer that, I know it's wide open, but...ya know...)

I welcome your thoughts, too - if there's something you'd like to hear my take on, please, please don't hold back and hit the comment link.   You'd be giving my already-tired brain a little bit of a break from thinking. 

- Capulet