Today I feel numb, I feel nothing.

I don't feel regret I don't feel happy I just feel numb.

Maybe because my emotions have been fairly wild for the past week. 

I have to turn in my application this week, the application for the scholarship where I will have to publicly admit my abuse and attempt to inspire and help others.

I know that I should be happy and excited to do so, but all I can think is what if someone doubts me.

What if someone knows who I am talking about because they know me.

What if?

I don't know... I never know.

I can't anticipate who will hear me and who will listen, who will know and who question. I will once I try, but it's scary. To try to speak out and see the way people view me change. 

I don't tell people, people know the men I have dated but not what the do behind the doors, what they made me do.

My speech won't do so either, but it will toy with the idea of my abuse and what happened. I just can't bring myself to write it out. I can't even do it on here. Because what if? What if I am overacting?