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teleahstears

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teleah

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Dear Sister, You say you are proud of me how i have gotten over my past, ok really, dammit,TW... tell that to my leg that is bruised because I had a horrible flashback of my father pleasuring himself on the toliet while i took a bath, which caused me to have a dizzy attack and fall on my tubTW...., tell that to my neck that is swollen and hurt because i choked myself last night so hard just to shut up the loud littles that wanted to share their stories of horror and i just wanted to sleep, tell that to my eyes that cant seem to cry but want to all the time, tell that to my daughter who sees me struggle to live day by day. I am so happy you got to grow up with a protective loving dad but at the same time it breaks my fucking heart that i will never have that, i am grateful  hat you did not grow up with my mom, who hated me because i turned her husband on and made me feel worthless, only worthy of a life in an institution, grateful but it fucking breaks my heart when you moan she got on you for your weight and thought you were a sl*t,TW.... my mom half bathed me and made me spray perfume down there so i did not stink for dates with my dad at six. I was brought up that envy was a huge sin but the envy i feel for your childhood and the fact you have him as your dad consumes me, especially when you remind me that he is still there for you and i will never have that, ever, There was a time, I turned him into a romantic lead in my life in my head so I could not feel this consuming jealousy but since mom passed and he is living with his girlfriend, i fight no longer him playing that role, it hurts so bad he is so good to you and saw me as nothing more than her daughter and maybe a friend, please try to not kick me in the fucking gut, heart anymore by telling me what a great dad he has been and is to you, teleah, nodak, theresa, and tc.

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Thank you for reading and your supportive responses, (((((field and DBNB))))), I was going to start a new blog but since these are very closely related am posting a letter to J, my safe stepfather and once romantic hero and still romantic hero for Nodak, the creative dreamy teenage part who fell for him at 15, here goes...... Dear J, today you told me about her, the woman you now love and lives with you, ouch. ow, dammit that hurt, hurt me to the core but mostly crushed Nodak's heart into pieces, Nodak is the girl who sat with you and listened to records with you in your room and hung on your every word, Nodak wrote poems for years about you, poems of unrequited love and for years thought you loved her back, believed in her 15 year old heart, that one day you two would end up together, but today she realized that is never going to happen and is wanting to die, she wants out which scares me because she is usually the fighter, fights for me her gift of words and hope that one day things will get better. Now she just sits and weeps at the injustice of you living with another woman while i weep you live with someone other than my mom, everything is jumbled inside me, I know Nodak was created to fight the envy i had that my sister had a safe dad, the envy my mom could move on without my dad when i was and am stuck in the past with him, frozen in self blame, hate, and the hurt his vile abuse caused me, i am glad she was there to protect me from that but right now i do not need her broken heart, i have one of my own, teleah

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Today I saw a picture of you two together where you and i sat in a ski lift and you held my adult hand while Nodak jumped for joy, finally a sign that she would one day be yours, i know you had no idea when you were flirting with me, when you did but Nodak did and now when she was that picture she wept for over an hour that she was not in the picture, she was'nt the one making you smile like that, make you come alive like all the tiimes she worked so hard to make you smile when mom made you miserable, Nodak weeps for all the effort she gave to make you feel good about yourself when your wife, her mom cut you down to size and now another woman gets to hold your hand, go out to eat with you, share your life, after all she did, even listen to Captain Beefheart on purpose lol, and that woman gets the prize, you. Nodak  is grieving so hard tonight J and I wish the adult me could tell you that or even find the words to say anything to you, teleah

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Dear sister. every time you said dad today my heart broke a little more, this hurts more than the traumas i have remembered in the past year. So hard to hear you call him dad something i do not have anymore, never had, i had an abuser, a manipulator, a pedophile but never a dad then when Nodak tried to explain her heart break over D, J's girlfriend, you turned it into another time to tell me how awful it has been to accept her into your dads life and how D makes him happy, my heart burst open and i have been fighting sobbing ever sinceso my daughter does not blame you dear sister when i go down the rabbit hole, trying hard as hell to love you as an adult while Nodak hates you continue to break her heart over and over, teleah

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