Can't Stay Silent Anymore
Entry posted by lemonlady ·
956 views
I'm new but have been suffering for a long time, 17yrs in silence and denial. And by the grace of God finally got the courage to admit to myself and others what happened. I was 17. The first incident was my ex boyfriends friend the second was a guy who I had met once who came back to the house and basically broke in. Both incidents caused me to become practically a shut in, afraid they might find me I found it difficult to even leave the house. So as hard as it is for me to reach out and deal with this God is holding my hand and giving me the strength to make the changes I need to and be a part of my own life again.
The fear of leaving the house came on slowly almost without me noticing. After the first incident I was physically very hurt, I had no interest in men or dating and sex was out of the question. For nearly a year I avoided intimacy of any kind. Then my sister told me there was a guy at her church, the pastor's son who wanted to meet me. I was a bit hesitant but thought "he's a Christian" my sister knows him. I thought to myself "not everyone's a jerk or out to hurt you, your 17 get out and date". So I agreed to go on a date. I was expecting a normal date dinner and a movie maybe, but he took us to the beach. It was quite obvious what he wanted as he started kissing and groping. Thank God there were people around and after I told him this was not the relationship I wanted he brought me home. Then like a week or so went by and my mother, who was looking for work left the state for a week. My sister and I were left to hold the fort. That night my sister was out with her friends. I had a long day and remember being so tired. I put my nightgown on and was about to turn the light off when I heard someone knocking at the door, I figured it was my sister who forgot her key. It was him? I opened the first door thinking the outer door was locked, it wasn't. Uninvited he just walked in and asked for my sister. I told him she's not here right now so... expecting him to leave. Next thing I know he has my pinned down. I remember thinking how can this be happening again, why me, where is God when I need him. Although extremely unpleasant after I was physically ok other than some bruises. That's when I think the agoraphobia started. My sense of security was shattered. I tried to forget and acted like everything was fine for years. Only mentioning it to my closest friends like it didn't really effect me. I was very skilled at hiding my true feelings no one had a clue as to how much I was really suffering inside. I went about my life like nothing was wrong, had odd jobs and a few close friends. Then one day a few years later I was working 3rd shift at a gas station. Then a guy came in and told me " so your the one who took over". I was puzzled and found out that the gas station had been robbed and the former employee left traumatized because of it. I was immediately panicked, thinking great somehow I've put myself into another unsafe situation. Then he said the most messed up thing "man you guys get robbed again you'll be lucky they don't take you in the back and R. you first". Instant panic attack, needless to say I quit the next day. I felt like I had a sign on my back "hurt me"! After that I couldn't bring myself to work with the general public. The more I let reality sink in the more scared I was. The fear drove me to hide myself, from my whereabouts to my clothing everything I did was an effort to hide. I struggled and still struggle with anorexia in an attempt to disappear and felt the pain of not eating distracted me from my mental pain. I've recently come to the realization of how much these terrible innocents have impacted my life and am finally admitting to myself how much I've altered the real me. 17yrs later and I still have a long journey of recovery, but have hope and faith that I can make the changes I need to make to be me again.
3 Comments
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now