Follow Up On My Vacation
Entry posted by nola1990 ·
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So about a month or so ago I posted a blog or forum about my vacation plans. To talk to my aunt about my molestion/raped and to talk to my older brother that I know that he molested me while I was sleeping... First off I would like to say I had a blast and I wish didnt have to leave so soon! There's never enough time to see friends and family when you've been away from home for 3-4yrs! But I also had a lot of time for soul searching. Which made me feel negative and slightly sour feeling for most of the trip.
I wanted so badly to talk to my aunt about it, to get out the way because it was a huge goal of mine to talk with her: we had the talk less than 12 hrs after I got off the plane. She had no idea about any of the wrong doings after I was 2. She was so mad, at him but more at herself because she wasn't around enough to know what was going on. Im glad we had that talk. I also wasnt planning on telling my younger brother about most of my past, (I"ve got 5 brother's all starting with J's. but the brother I dispise is the older bro) but I ended up talking with him. Letting him in to my little world. He was shocked him had nothing to say, he was sad so much had happened to me. We talked so deep into my past of how my dad treated me, the abuse my mom did, the crazy grandma and her house (that story is coming up), my former drug problems, my issues with letting people into my life, etc. We sat for hours on the beach, it was awesome. He actually came home to denver with me for a week and left last night. I miss him like crazy. I've got my mom and my older bro here. everyelse is away.
My crazy grandmother. I love her to death but she makes me depressed and makes me trigger and omg. There are no words. She is completely alone in her parish. No family there but all over the country, no friends: they're all dead. Normally her house is full of pictures of the people who talk to her. Her grandchildren. Total for her there's 8. This time there's 10 pics of me and my 4 siblings, and about 45 full color paged pics of MY UNCLE and HIS DAUGHTER. They were plastered everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I have talked with my gma 4 times now about what he had done to me. every single time she acts likes its her first time hearing it. The molestion and rape happened in this house. I've always have been fine walking in that house but not this time. This place made me sick. I didnt want to be there. I was in the house where the worst childhood acts happened and with older bro. I was freaking out. My grandma was so lonely and wanted to see us so badly, I agreed before walking through the door to spend the night and stay for the entire next day. And guess what she wanted to talk about? My uncle and his daughter or religion. Luckily family asked if I wanted to go for midnight bowling which I gladly accepted. That night when we got back, I didnt sleep. I sat on the front porch almost the whole night.
I never talked to older bro directly about what I know. I only say directly because I brought up this site (and how much it's been helping me accept things the way they are) with younger bro and older bro. I flat out said Im trying to release all my pain I've held in over the years of being molested and raped and his face dropped. I had to share the room I was staying at with him for the whole 9 days. In some ways I regret not standing up for myself. But I feel like the waves should not be stirred like that. I told them the hardest part of my story but keeping out him. Sigh, another time maybe.
As for the soul searching. I read my journal I've ignored for the last 1 1/2 months. While reading it I've realized that M isnt that great for me. Im constantly sad and feeling belittled by him. He makes me feel insecure, always telling my newfound coinfidence is fake and not me. So I always hide back to little scared me. I have to admit it, not only to myself but to you fine people who I trust. I kissed someone else on the trip. Someone I've known for a very long time. At that moment I realized that my 5 yr relationship isnt as it seems. I've never done anything like this my whole life. A simple kiss made me realize so much. But yet when I watched M "do his job" as a nightclub promoter and have other girls him and him smack their butts, I didnt run away. A job for him to cheat and for me to stand back and watch, for that was "his job". I shoulda left then or the other thousands of times where I dont feel like its right but I take it, because "i love him" and "i scared" But why? Does any one else do this? I need to break free. But how? idk but Im feeling better just writing. gtg get ready for work.... Oh M now works for my company. yay?
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