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15 year old self


survivor07

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I am so scared and worked up. For so long people had been bothering me to "get help" or "talk about it". So I did, I caved. It hasn't been what I expected at all. Its been better than I expected, until now...because now it comes to the details. I have never really come out and talked about these things before and I'm scared to do it. I am being very triggered lately and that is scary in itself. I understand that these are issues that need to come out but it scares me to talk about. I'm afraid of someone thinking I did this to myself and I hate the fact that it went on for as long as it did. I should have stopped it but because I didn't I deserved it.I got the attention I was looking for so I should just be happy with it. This is where confusion steps in and takes over. I wanted attention and I got it, so why am I so scared to talk about it? Maybe it's because I miss him and want him back and by telling its like saying something bad about him that will get him in more trouble. My mind still wanders and thinks maybe there's a chance that after trial is over he'll forgive me for doing such a bad thing by telling. I want to get through these feelings and live my life but I'm not sure I can do this therapy, I just feel so many emotions. It feels like if I tell, I will be hurting him and at the same time it leaves me vulnerable. No one else has ever known the intimate details before and telling is like giving Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate (best chocolate in the world) to someone else instead of keeping it for myself. Cadbury is something worth keeping because if I keep it, I know it's safe (maybe with a few pieces missing, but hey, it's irresistible). So should I keep it and know its safe, or give it away so I don't have to worry about keeping it safe anymore? I'm not sure what to do. I am just filled with so much self-hatred and I don't want anyone to look down on me, including my therapist. These are things I told myself I would never talk about and here I am about to do it. None of this makes sense anymore. I ask myself all the time, "whats wrong with me, why am I so scared to do this". I know it's my fault, I could've stopped it but I didn't. I still feel so much guilt and shame over the whole thing. I guess I just need support to be able to go through with this. I don't talk to anyone about this part of my life other than my therapist or AS members. I used to be so good at covering up these things for so long but lately I guess I've been slacking off a bit.

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