I remember cutting my veins and tried to cut as deep as possible but because i could not keep it wet. the bleeding stopped. i tried several times same vein now scarred i hide it with a watch. lately i've not been sleeping stayin up watching movies with gore and blood. and i imagine i could do those things, pull out his spine, cut him up in half, poison my mother then insert needles in her eyes. 

i remember when i was eleven after folding laundry of the family, i went into the kitchen. mom and sister were talking. i said something. sister told me off. i was hurt because she was a bully, an abuser and a manipulator, still is. i took her t-shirt  from the laundry pile-it was her favorite t-shirt, i cut it up and then poured coke all over it. i managed to throw it away. 

she never even noticed it was gone...

back to present day, found out a school mate died of a heart attack today. he was in his early 40s. never liked the guy. but still i felt empathy for his wife and 3 kids. 

lucky guy, death knocked on his door  and i hope he is in a good place now. i've been praying for death since i was 5 years old. 

I nearly drowned once and i remember when the waves took me under i smiled. but was rudely interrupted. my mun managed to pull me out of the water by my long black hair.

my childhood lost my life robbed facing the possibilty of losing our home jobless and with a shitty CV i prayed and i sought help yet still, i am looking for work.

had to leave my last job because of sexual harassments and my boss wasnt supportive of me but supportive of the assailant.  She is partially responsible for the incidences having empowering the guy allowing him to be rude and lacking professionalism. not the first job i had to leave due to harrassment and bullying. 

what life is this? blood gore and death seems alot better then the slow torturous death of the unknown. living 15 minutes at a time....