So far in therapy I've hardly discussed the sexual abuse I experienced from my cousin as a child.

We've been discussing my Grampy. He committed suicide a little over 20 years ago. My parents have hardly mentioned him since then. It's like he never existed except in my mind. It's enough to make a person think she's crazy. His violent death left a hole in my heart and mind that I almost can't deal with. The pain is excruciating sometimes. I never had a chance to grieve.

My Grandpa was an irreverent alcoholic who ran around on my Grandma...but he loved me and I loved him. I asked him a few years before he died "Grampy, why don't you go to church?" He answered "I go to the round church so the preacher can't corner me." 

He used to take me to the American Legion bar in our small town when I was little and play pool with me. Not exactly a "Hallmark" family moment, but it was the only way he knew how to bond with someone. He would take a quarter and put it in his hand and put both hands behind his back and have me guess which hand the quarter was in. Then he would give me the quarter. That's how he showed his love.

He stopped drinking a few years before he took his life, without the support of a 12-step group (so he was alone with no tools or coping skills and very miserable). He asked me to quit drinking myself about that time. He worried about me. (It took me another 11 or 12 years after his death for me to get into recovery.)

My therapist suggested that I put his photo up and light a candle to say "goodbye". I don't want to say "goodbye", but she said it's just saying goodbye to his physical body, which isn't here and hasn't been here for over 20 years. I think I'll do that and then let a helium balloon go.

On another note, I finished writing 3 letters a day for 14 days to God, my abuser and the little me. I experienced a lot of healing from this exercise. I feel one step closer to forgiving my cousin.

Tomorrow morning my sponsor from Celebrate Recovery and I are supposed to do the inner child exercises that michelleteama blogged about recently. 

Sounds like I'm just truckin' right along, right? Wrong. I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now so I have the frantic urge to binge eat at night. Then I beat myself up, judge and mentally criticize myself when I'm done. That's right, kicking myself when I'm down. It takes practice to be kind to one's self, and conscious choices too. I'm going for a short hike with my sponsor after we do the inner child work. That's one kind thing for myself. Baby steps.