(TW) I don't really know what to say, so I'll just start; My (approximately) 15 year old cousin molested me and I'm pretty sure he had me molest my little brother who is 1 year younger than me around the time when I was 3 or 4 years old. The memories are sketchy and that is VERY frustrating but I know it's a protection mechanism. I'm 46 years old and it's just coming up now, but I guess the little girl inside of me trusts me enough to take care of her at this point in my life.

I just feel so sad, scared and alone...which is how I've felt most of my life. It's hard to trust God because he didn't protect me then. I guess he's walking me through this. He had a man at a Celebrate Recovery concert (out of the blue) give me the book "Hear Me" by Vicki Edwards as I started on this journey. (It's a wonderful children's book that addresses abuse.)

My friend, who has worked through a lot of issues in Al-Anon, told me about writing 3 letters a day for 14 days (1 to my Higher Power, 1 to my abuser, and 1 to the little me). I've been doing that for about 9 days already and I think it's helped. I start therapy on Tuesday morning and I go to a step-study group Thursday nights and a small group at Celebrate Recovery on Tues and Fri nights for women that have been abused . I don't have to do this alone. It's just hard to trust people and meet new people. I keep hearing Dory's voice from Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.", so, that's what I'm going to do.

There is a poem I wrote a while back and it seems appropriate right now at this point in my life;

Hope

There's a light after every darkness

and a Power that protects us all

There's a love that helps us to stand

after we've taken a fall

When it feels like your winter will kill you

spring slowly blooms in your heart

When you feel like you're reaching your end

you might just be facing your start