what hurts the most
Had therapy today, it was intense, she is new to therapy so she is excited to have a strong client like me, I just smiled and said thanks and we moved on. We are going over the emotional abuse mostly but today the main topic was why my mother hated me so fiercely when i was little like when i was five to ten, and I realized it was because my dad paid more attention to me, took me out more, but here is the thing she would insist on us going out on dates once a week, fight my dad to take me out for dinner and a movie, so i am still baffled, but the thing that hurt the most, made sense but took my breathe away was her therory that my mom knew of the abuse, she just did not care, she was too busy taking care of herself, protecting herself to care he was grooming me to be his girlfriend, she did not care he was making my life hell, she did not care he was giving me my seizure meds with a cocktail at seven, she was not in denial, she just did not care and that is what hurts the most right now. I cared so much for her that i did not tell and she just did not care, i carried her husbands secret shame all my life and she just did not care, i dont even know how to begin to process that, tonight i hate myself for believing she ever cared enough to love and protect me from harm, teleah
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