sense I started blogging thats all I do. I someway can not seem to open up anymore. I'm afraid to talk on forums. Its lil I found a biding place and I'm stuck. I do not know who to talk to. I call a crisis line everyday. I shake and jump uncontrollably. I hate this feeling. I'm so afraid. Doe one somewhere will hurt me they will find me seek me out or just bam. I am a hermit at the moment but our van djed today so its on my feet out there now so come Monday I start walking. It will be ok. I will be strong. I know things will trigger up things smells sounds even temperatures. I am trying to not hide. You know go in my head. Repress etc. I really lost two friends recently they moved. Now I am with out only all the kind people here and crisis line. I know I need to make some arrangements for help but I do not see that happening. I am loosing my voice. Mentally 😞. Sorry I am in a week place and have been declining for a time. There is a dim light of hope but fading by the day. I am falling into a deep pulling into myself with no keys to fight back no return 😖 I am not what I see myself as and not what I think I am either. I am so stuck in mud. I drove to the cemetery all week. I want to put gold dust sprinkles on a carnation and have liquid glass surround it put into a plaque possibly. Thing is I want to donate my body to science and diner. You know they can even use your bones every part.