I struggle with control...well, I struggle with relinquishing it to be more accurate.

I have a genetic fault that puts me pretty high up on the cancer risk...99% by the time I'm 40 kinda high. I'm meant to go for screening every 8 to 12 months but I rarely make it. 

Ive had two screenings over the last few years, one because I managed to convince my doctor to let me swallow a pill camera rather than being sedated and the second screening I managed to convince him not to give me any anaesthetic....probably the worst idea ever as that resulted in a fuck tonne of pain and a panic attack. But yea...control, definitely something I obsess over. 

I received a letter yesterday....it was for cervical screening, something else I have managed to avoid for too many years. I know I should go but I just can't bring myself to do so, I can't garner enough courage to let somebody be there...to leave myself so open and vulnerable. The thought terrifies me. 

So these procedures, these possibly life saving procedures get pushed to the back of my mind and I ignore the fact that I can't let anyone near me unless its my partner and I'm drunk. 

Great. 

Over 14 years have passed since it happened, over 14 years I have held my tongue and never spoke about it. I thought if I could distance myself from it then I would be fine, but to this day it still affects me. 

I tried to be brave. I tried to see a therapist, I tried to talk through my fears and I tried to move on from everything that happened. But I backed out, I turned into the coward I usually am when confronted with difficult, emotional situations and I just never went. 

So here I am. Constantly 2nd guessing if it was rape, constantly hating myself, forever fighting for control in every aspect of life and like a champ, avoiding anything that triggers fear within me. 

Im a grade A idiot. I'm a fool and a coward and I'm so  angry with myself. 

I just wish I could be normal like everyone around me thinks.