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I made it through the day.

I'm home, I've eaten and showered and I'm now sat on my comfy sofa in the warmth of my house.

Today was hard. It wasn't horrendous for any particular reason....it was just one of those difficult days.

last night I managed to wrestle an hours sleep from somewhere. I struggled all night. My heart rate wouldn't go down, my thoughts would not quiet and my self loathing was through the roof.

when 4:45am came around I got out of bed and pit on my cycling gear, I washed my face, brushed my teeth and kissed my sleeping partner goodbye and cycled the 8 miles to work. Today I cycled in silence...it did not feel like a day for music.

I clocked in at work, got changed and nodded to one of my colleagues and I did my job. I spoke to no one all day. I couldn't manage even a syllable towards them. I made no eye contact and I ducked into the bathroom anytime anyone approached me. O sat in there with the door locked, my legs stretched in front of me on the cold floor for so many minutes today, I just sat in there and breathed.

Eventually work was over and I cylcled home in silence again. I got in. Got changed, walked the dog and made my partner his tea. Then I showered and here I am, on my sofa.

so many words running around my head but ao few at the same time. I feel so full of things to say but when I try and voice these things they dissipate into nothingness.

I feel mute.

But this is how it has been the last few weeks....the last few years....since that night. I'm like a yo-yo. Up and down so many times.

I don't want to be a yo-yo anymore.

But at least I made it through the day.

Maybe tomorrow will be easier.


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