I have written about this in Gathering Place aswell. I did wanted to get it to my blog since then I have all my writings under one place so to say... Gosh, it was really hard to get this written.

I was visiting my parents for a longer weekend (late Friday evening – Thuesday afternoon). I had basically two missions.  One was succeedly done. I had planned that I would ask my cousin´s mom how I was as a child. Unfortunately there didn´t come any change for that. Secondly I had planned to go and visit an old friend and her mom. The old friend was just visiting her parents over the weekend, what I had forgotten about. So we didn´t meet up. I did meet the mother, who was the person I really had to meet (we had been talking with my T about this meeting).

I didn´t tell anybody that I went to the mom, called Ica. My parents both think she is gossiping too much. Which isn´t true when it comes to serious things. I went there on Monday evening. I had no expectations over the meeting. First we talked about this and that. I haven´t met Ica in aaaaages. Perhaps in almost fifteen years or so. Then I got into serious stuff. I asked if she remembers when I was as a child with my ear to her (she was a health nurse). She didn´t and I can believe that, since she´s having MS and I did notice that her memory isn´t as it was before.

Perhaps it will seem a bit out of the blue all things, since I haven’t yet got my story written… Basically all things she told me had I thought of in some way before. And some of them I have heard before, I just can´t recall when and from who. I have always had a feeling that my abuse had began when I was younger than I have remembered. Until recently I have thought it began at seven years old. Well, the mm told me that her daughter (the friend I was supposed to meet) had also been tried on; she had given dad a slap and after that dad hadn´t tried on her anymore. This had happened when I was around 4-5 years old. So pretty much younger I would say than a seven years old girl. I also go to know (this is one thing I recall I have heard before) that one of the children dad was a boat taxi driver to had been molested by my dad. I don´t know how much. He drove the children from their island to a bigger society. One other thing she told me was that I was many times screaming (indoors) when she walk by our house. Once she had met my dad with me screaming on his knee. Dad´s explanation for my screaming was that I had been silly. At the same time Ica did think that my position in my dad´s lap was really strange (like sexy like). Then had my mom also asked Ica when I was a baby where the “girly hole” is. Ica thought this question is a pretty strange question.

As usual dad got angry when I came home and told him where I had been. As I thought, the only thing he was upset for was that now would Ica gossip around the village. I told him that he have to tell mom where I had been. I think he told her first after we went home since she didn´t say a word of my “visit to a friend”.

And here I am now, I don´t really care about how my parents think anymore. It is their problem if they let other people control their lives. It took me over a half a week to get to the point where I don´t have the feelings on the surface anymore. I am somehow numb (my feelings). I do get anxiety, really bad nausea (anxiety) and the last few days I have been reacting with that I have been sweating aaaaa lot (by doing nothing). My body has been reacting also by being more aching, unfortunately. And I am feeling used that I haven´t been feeling in many years. I hadn´t thought that I would feel all this, since I basically knew everything, but I do.