sm28's Blog

Hey sm28! I haven´t gone through a rape (instead incest by dad). I could indeed relate to so much of what you were writing. You are NOT stupid that yhou can´t forget what happened to you. In the most you can get it "boxed up" so to say. Still it´s there somewhere and comes back at least at THE day every year. You are not seeking attention, not at all. Or do you think in your own opinion that you are?

I don´t know your story so I can´t say anything about your cousin, I am though sad that you feel taht you can´t see here. Do you meet her often? If you have helped somebody, then you are a GOOD person, and the others don´t get excactly what you did for your cousin.

Oh yes! I have been told that i just can´t dwell in the past, you do forget it with time. Hmm... NOT! As I said, I have had the change to get my stuff pretty much "in a drawer". I still does want to have the doors locked and I sometimes also do check the windows, If there is somebody out there (even in the middle of the day). And I could imagine that this is even stronger for a person as you, that has been through a rape. Unfortinatelly!

From time to time we do ovetthink things I would say,m when we tned to do nothing else than rewind the happenings and it feel slike there´s nothing else in world than this. BUT, we should try to get to think of something else then. I tend to have problems with cut off these thoughts, so I have to meet up with some friends, watch a really good serie/film (so I go into it), etc.

Why do you think you have never got help? No money? Since of course there is still time for you, it is always time, to get professional help. There you shouldn´t be judged or so. If they are the right ones for you.

Well.. I do have had those thoughts from time to time, to end it all. I haven´t had the thoughts for a long time, though, I tend to instead to sleep pretty long on the mornings and/or sleep during the day, so the day go faster and I don´t have to think of things...

As said, it is never too late to ask for help. Is it here or is it from a pro. At least it has helped for me to talk to a T about things. That is why I have got the things pretty good "boxed" right now. And don´t feel that you have to go for somebody elses sake (eg your family). It is ONLY for your own sake!!! Why didn´t you go to the help you were offered?

Oh, this was a long answer.... lol Hope it somehow help you or comfort you! Hugs if wanted!

DDogs,

First I want to say thanks for the hugs it was much needed and 2nd I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner and 3rd I'm sorry to hear what happened to you..I don't feel like I'm seeking attention but in a way when people say that I am i start thinking that I am you know what I mean.? When they do that I sort of just drop the conversation and my mind and body just shuts down sometimes for a few seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, the longest was a year..and that sucks cuz then I would lose my job if I was working which I'm not anymore haven't worked in about 3 and a half years. My cousin well I don't see her much but I do see pictures of her on my aunts Facebook and when I do see her in person I start feeling like I'm suffocating and I don't know why it's weird. The whole thing about me not seeking help isn't because I don't want to it's because I've been turned down/sent away..like they didn't wanna help me which was one of the reasons why i stopped seeking help..the other reason was because my family they always said I didn't need help that I was just trying to make everybody feel bad for me which isn't true because I always said/say I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me at all..but I guess in a way I think and feel like I don't deserve help. Right now well since my little sister was pregnant with my nephew (his 3 and a half now) I feel well more like people make me feel like it's my duty to help her raise her kids. My mom made me feel like I had to help her it's like my family uses my mental illness as a weapon against me..they make me feel like I have no right to have my own life. Ever since I can remember I was always taking care of either my cousin or nieces and nephews..like that was my only reason for living right bow I'm still taking care of my little sisters kids and her and her baby daddy make me feel like I'm a dam slave there always talking about me and supposably I'm so lazy that all I do is eat all the food and sleep..when really all I do is raise my niece and nephew cook and clean since they don't want to nor know how to cook..I know I'm off topic here and I know there is a lot of your questions I didn't answer but in a way I did answer. Like I said it's not that I don't want help God know I want and need help I just don't know how to get help I have no money I don't even have any source of income I can't even get disability for my mental illness or anything. The only thing I'm able to do is get medicaid to get my pills and food stamps to feed myself since I can never keep a job. I'm so lost in my head that if I cry for help no one would hear me except on here....