You think you know someone, but you don't. I've spent moments everyday wondering why bad things happen to me and why those bad things make me cry every time they cross my mind. This one in particular still has not yet set me free. I am prisoner in my own mind. I just want to be free and its finally that time I let it out into the world. if i dont let it out, it keeps me from being the person i want to be. So, here it is; a couple years ago I was a babysitter for a friend. This friend is married to a wonderful protectant man. And the baby that I babysat was their first born. cutest little boy that I grew to love to death. The mom was wonderful, sometimes she even felt as my own. The father was the same. He also felt like he could've been my dad. Until one night, I was sitting at a coffee shop doing some work and he came in...invited me to take a break from computer work and go to eat to a place right next door. A work friend tagged along a little later. We were having a nice enjoyable time. Little did I know alcohol caused this guy to turn into a monster he didnt even recognize. So, by the end of the night before we were leaving I had to use the restroom. Little to my knowledge he stopped me. He pushed me up against the wall and starting touching me on different parts of my body. Seconds after that he was kissing me. He grabbed me into the mens restroom. You can only guess what happens next. I cant even remember how but suddenly he had my shorts to my ankles. The touch of him felt so disgusting. I fought so hard to get him off but the more I tried, the harder he raped. I have never in my life felt so weak and violated. The feeling of him sticks inside of me. The fact that he actually got what he wanted disgusts me. So there he is, the guy who's child I watched over, the guy who felt like a father to me became a guy who put himself inside of me. I kept fighting him off and he kept fighting back to bend me over. Though this felt like forever, it was only a couple of minutes. As soon as the bending was happening, the friend that had tagged along someone accidentally opened the bathroom stall. To this day I still cant figure out how he got it to open. The door was locked. I'm so thankful that this accident happened. It made him stop touching me for a moment. But as soon as he got the chanced he kissed me again. I couldn't have tried any harder to push off but it felt so impossible going up against this monster. His kiss felt like nothing I've ever had before. Nothing I've ever wanted before. I was left feeling like garbage. He looked at me before he walked out and said "clean up and sneak out quickly". So here I am crying trying to hold myself together and I walk out and pretend like I'm the most happiest person as can be. This became my biggest nightmare and it stuck inside of me for over a year before i could even speak about it. the word "rape" suddenly made sense to me but the thought of it being a part of what i am made me feel like nothing. I was useless and I became his toy for a night. I was taken advantage of.

I guess bad things do happen to good people. I've gone day by day searching for reasons. I've gone day by day asking myself "why me?". I haven't found an answer since then and I won't until I find forgiveness. Not in him, but in myself. I've come to realize that what happened wasn't even my fault. It was something that he sure as hell wanted for a long time and for that, I can't hate myself or my body. I won't feel like a ghost because of some drunken psycho. He has not taken everything that is left of me and he sure as hell will not define me. When I think of myself, I don't want to tie in "rape victim" with it. I want to think of myself and think its something that happened. Not who I am. Yes it is a part of me, but it is not all of me. There are millions of pieces that make me and this one is the smallest bit of it.