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Falling Down. The Break. The Beginning Of The End



-hope to make this blog a cohesive record of my cognative processing therapy sessions and what goes on before them and after them. If they even help. This is the first entry more covering the emotions that brought me to needing therapy and trauma processing. As my sessions unfold I hope to have an entry for each session

Jan 2oth 2016

Confusion is all I know. Insecurities are fortified strong. Ingrained to my core. Doubt dictates everything. Fear governs what remains.

The experts tell me that the circumstances of my life have brought me here.

That there was nothing I could do to avoid this place. It is inevitable. It is expected.

I am told to believe that this horrible place of despair and weakness is mandatory before I can truly heal.

I hear the experts voice, it fades in and out. But really my attention is turned to the past. Keep looking over my shoulder at who I used to be.

I already know how to do this. I have survived. It happened so long ago and when it did I hardly skipped a beat. Life went on and so did I.

It wasn't all about survival either. Much of the time I thrived. Loving healthy relationships, friendship, career, ambition. Life.

Year after year I pushed though and I made it work. Push, make it work, act as if, fake it until you make it.

Life threw pain and abuse at me and I just kept on getting back up. Wiser and stronger each time.

And then it began. That breaking.

Like a crushing under the injustice of it all. The fracture started within where only I could see it.

I panicked when I couldn't repair it. I lost myself in the panic.

Life and love happened. Damn love.

The fracture spread like a crack in a windshield. Spider web pattern, weakness and cracks everywhere now.

A delicate and stealthy end to something so strong.

Weakness takes over. Can't be denied. Others can tell. I go inside myself seeking safety. I stay there for a long time.

And then THE BREAK.

The reset button is hit and it sends me back to that day.

The skills I have acquired in the past few years vanish. So many life lessons forgotten in the flash as I go backwards. So far backwards.

Literally I come to and I find myself screaming searching for anything that will harm me.

I find it. It's dangerous.

I do it and the damage comforts me. Better than the embrace of a friend.

I know this embrace isn't leaving and I know this embrace wants to hurt me. There can be no deception here. Trust is not required.

We get along great. My new best friend, my only friend becomes self harm.

The strength in me is long gone but inside a ghost is trapped.

She screams at me. Screaming, "what the fuck are you doing?" "Get your shit together." "You have to pull through this."

She screams until she loses her voice. She beats on me from the inside. She leaves bruises that no one can see.

The broken shell overpowers the ghost inside. Crush. More spider web fractures. So weak can't even explain where the pressure comes from.

Please can someone just understand.

All hope is lost.

The experts voice breaks through, tells me I can heal. Blinding rage takes over.

Doubt consumes me. Will I ever function again?

Questions, why now? What is happening to me? Am I crazy?

Flashes of desperation and clarity keep bringing me to the doctor.

Help, please help me. I need to get back to how I was.

Please can you explain what I am doing wrong, why now? why break now?

I need to get back. Is this the beginning of my end?

How do I fix this?

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That is what happened to me too. But I can tell you that it does get better. I promise. I hid from the past for so long and I thought I was fine but eventually the person I thought I was shattered and I was left with nothing. You have to start confronting the past and digging into your most unpleasant memories. Write things down, analyze your thoughts and actions. It may not be pleasant but eventually you will feel more like your true self than you ever have before.  

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