Blogs

Of Course...

I've been bothered by the lack of concrete memories... by the way the only recall I have is through written recovered memories, somatic flashbacks or other indirect means. But something I read in The Body Keeps The Score just landed with me. I just had a thirty minute nap and when I woke, the message was clear as day in my mind: Of course my brain didn't log the abuse as neat memories, blow by blow, like I was having a nice day at the seaside. What happened was fucking horrific. O

July 13

venting

is that what it felt like?

sometimes i feel like the pain of a dislocated body part. you don't want to understand it. it makes it hurt worse, understanding what's wrong. and standing on the side of the road, waiting for you to meet my gaze as i waved goodbye for what we both knew would be the last time, i felt like what i was: an unwanted bag of bones drifting to places they shouldn't be. i didn't understand how much rearranging i would need to do to my insides until i was thousands of miles away from you.

selkiespot in venting

July 13

venting

Rejected Letter Ideas (addressed to a lot of different people)

Lot of thoughts in my head lately. I wrote a letter I'll never send the other day, and it helped a lot. But I have a lot of people I have a lot of feelings about. Each of these can apply to a different person in my life, but a lot overlap too. Some of these letter ideas are considerably worse than others. Hey, you dead yet? Let's start over. I think I'd like to start over. I think that I figured it out this time, and I think that I'm in control now. I think that I can have one mor

selkiespot in venting

July 10

God, Please Just Let Me Cry.

That title is not an interjection or hyperbole. I found myself literally asking God to just please, please let me weep or cry or something from all of...this. I cannot do it, I have not allowed previous trauma to cause me to cry for a long time unless I am actively and severely triggered by something. But I feel so much like a fraud of a victim or survivor or whatever we're going to call it because I have not managed to shed a tear. I sat there welling up with tears multiple times the past few m

July 8

A Break

I'm currently taking a 'break' from the trauma. Not inviting new memories (but some are still coming, including some unthinkable ones that if they turn out to be true I will be reporting my abusers in an instant because they need to be in prison right now if they are true). Not reading any trauma materials or stories of other people's abuse. But also digesting what I have already. Tonight I have worked through my 42-point list of evidence why I know it's true. That's a list that when you re

July 6

those two years

i hope you never ruin anyone else, but you probably already have

(tw talk of suicide briefly and online grooming) if i had to ask the man who sexually exploited and groomed me online anything, i'd ask him this: how did you sleep so well every night, knowing i was hurting because of you? was i the only one? i think i know the answer to the last question, but i don't want to hear it. i want to believe that i was the only child you ever hurt. in a perfect world (since i can't change the fact i was hurt), i was the only one you ever talked to this way a

kiley in those two years

July 6

those two years

dreams

I often have dreams about him. The other night, I had a dream that I was on snapchat again. I went to my snap memories and scrolled down. His photo was at the bottom. I had a panic attack in my dream and I woke up sweating. It didn't look like him though, but I am not exactly sure. I am starting to forget his face as the years go on. Is this a good thing? I remember I felt scared, hopeless, but also relieved. I was relieved that I had finally gotten a picture of him again that I could use t

kiley in those two years

June 29

Debugging My Own Brain

Sometimes I pour over my own thoughts realizing just how warped my brain is. To whatever extent my own self awareness allows me to see it anyway. I have reflected so much on those external affirmations that it really was not my fault. That I was just a child doing what I thought would get the harassment to stop. As much as I appreciate hearing that type of reassurance, it kind of only gets at half the problem, and that's not anyone's fault really. It's one thing to hear it and feel less guilty,

June 25

Reflecting

Pain Is How I Know I'm Still Living.

Putting this down as a quick little vent before bed so I don't have to sleep with this on my chest. I keep thinking of how much it hurts realizing how many times I've been cast aside. There are probably more repressed memories of it that will crawl their way back to me. I get nightmares sometimes worrying that people won't believe me, even though I'm fully aware the call is coming from inside the house in those instances. I sometimes hear on my head my assaulter's sounds of pleasure when he took

masongator in Reflecting

June 23

The Shift to Conscious Memory

If last week was a shift from doubt to belief, this week has been a shift from recovered memory to conscious memory. It began on Wednesday night... shortly after I turned the light off, a somatic flashback began... most of the 'usual' horrifying stuff that I won't go into right now. My somatic flashbacks tend to involve position (I will literally move into positions I was in at the time), sensation and emotion. But this one was different. As well as the somatic element there was a diff

June 22

Learning to Allow Myself Affection

I understand that to some this concept can come across as pretentious or like a non-issue...so I ask that if you read this, you're willing to hear me out on why I don't view it as such in my case. It has been a painful road to navigate trying to understand my assault and why my assaulter chose to do it to me. I'll likely never know his reasoning. Unfortunately, in this situation, your brain can take it upon itself to start filling in the gaps before you even realize it. At least for me anyway. N

June 21

I'd Give Anything to Be Able to Trust Someone.

TW: Assault and coercion will be mentioned, but not detailed. More context can be found in my thread in Sharing Your Story if you'd like to read it. One of the biggest things I've struggled with is realizing how much I was betrayed after I started remembering my assault. Not only that, but how deeply it colored my willingness to trust others without me even realizing it. For the majority of my life that I can remember, I've worried about getting close to people for fear that they will immed

June 19

Picking Up Some Pieces

See tags for TWs. More context can be found on my post in Share Your Story, but it's not required to understand this. Today, I went to church and prayed for myself privately. It's actually the start of my "weekend" because my days off are Sunday and Monday; figured I'd try to make this week one where I'd try to focus on healing, and this is where I started. Yet I sat in the church, alone in my pew, singing hymns, reading out of the Nicene Creed, and I felt shame underneath it all. Who was I

June 15

Ending the doubt

What a week. Monday was one of those 'meltdown' days. It often seems to be a Monday, I don't know if it's the come-down from the weekend, climbing with my best friend, some semblance of "normality" and then I'm thrown back into my thoughts on a Monday. I've been slowly bridging the gap between 'known' memories and recovered memories. My doubt has been rampant because how can I tell recovered memories and somatic flashbacks are real and not fantasy? But on Monday I remembered an in