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Triggered

For some reason lately I am getting triggered. Things I have pushed down and tried not to think of are coming back to me. Last night I had a panic attack, every time I closed my eyes I could see what I tried to forget. It’s been years, why now?

recrz5

recrz5 in Triggered

Just be.

Every day, if traffic and other circumstances permit, I arrive to work a few minutes early.  It’s not a lot of time; it’s maybe three or four minutes before I have to clock in.  This is time I spend in the car, just kind of sitting - trying to mentally prepare for the day to start, even though I’d already been awake for over an hour.  Let me be clear - I’m too fucking lazy to get a coffee on my commute, knowing that the coffee machine in the teacher’s lounge is there waiting for me is a comfort.

Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

Where Did Hope Go?

I'm currently in an eating disorder php. It's a trauma based recovery program. I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a while.  I've been in treatment since late July in two residential programs in different states and now in php in my home state. A little burned out on treatment. I went in strong. I had all the hope and did all of the work. I did my own research and work on myself in my free time. This treatment program is more intense than I experienced before. I have the added complica

first blog post minor tw

This might be a little dark for a first blog post, but the one-year mark of my r* just passed. It's so weird to think it's been a year.. in some ways it feels more recent, but it also feels like it's been a very long time. I saw a picture from last Christmas, when I had cut most of my hair off, which seems to be a pretty common coping mechanism. It didn't look good and just made me feel uglier. I didn't visit extended family that year, I stayed home. I don't remember much else. This pa

Xander

Xander in journal

How we let perpetrators get away (HUGE tw)

The perpetrator who's masking as a good guy will tell a joke. A joke so unsettleing that makes us question If there was some truth to It. And we'll all laugh an uncomfortable laugh. We'll even doubt If we're allowed to do so and look around for comfort, but we'll find that none of us have the answer, or, even worse, that none of us want to give It away. We'll pretend It didn't happen and look the other way, since that's the thing we're best at, believing someone will take care of It an

sk8er

sk8er in Upset

Not ok

I am not ok. I haven't been for awhile but every day I keep trying to be. SOme days, that is a lot of work. Other days it isn't. The important thing is that each day I keep trying, right?  As long as I am trying then I can't sink into a hole, right?  And while it seems it should be really simple to  reach out and ask for help, that is difficult when you are not sure of the help you need. Oh and of course, asking for help is the worst thing you can do, at least in your mind it is. It feels like a

aperson

aperson in The process

Weathering the yearly fog…

I’ll start by saying that what you are about to read took much less time to type out than it did to come up with a title for today’s blog entry.  I just threw in what I did because at this point, the ability to come up with something clever has momentarily disappeared. Hoping you’re all having a good day, week, month, etc, etc.   I am, without a doubt, buried underneath work, family and dog obligations, doctor appointments, a messy house, financial burden, league bowling, postseason ba

Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

Reflecting back on the last year.

Hey, AS family and friends.   I know it's been a while.  Over a year since my last entry.  (I'm sorry.) I guess I just haven't made myself open to talking.  There's probably a lot that I could have filled everyone in on, but for some reason, I guess it was more appealing to stuff it in the 'maybe later' pile that resides in the back of my head.  That pile has since begun to overflow, scattering messiness everywhere.  I'm scattered lately.  Forgetful.  More irritable over the simplest t

Capulet

Capulet in Blogs

Truths

Frustrated. Sad. Defeated. Tired. Broken. Dependent. Ashamed. To blame. Used. Dirty. Angry. Forgotten. Weak. Humiliated. Damaged. Cold. Vulnerable. Easily manipulated. Unworthy. Useless. Dumb. Embarrassed. Scared. Scarred. Unheard. Silent. Restrained. Restricted. Unsympathetic. Unempathetic.   

aperson

aperson in Venting

My stupid ex (lol)

I don't think I talk about my love life here much. I always wanted It to be separate from the rest of my healing journey but, the truth Is It's very much Intertwined and In fact, I have always known It was. I just haven't always been comfortable with my sexuality or my sex life/love life In general to share It. I mean I don't blame myself, I did have to hide most of It (having been groomed and all that, I also hid away from my own desires because my abuser made me believe It was a sin to pleasur

sk8er

sk8er in Upset

Is a title needed?

I just want to run away. Away from people. Away from the world. Away from hope. Away from sadness. I just want to be away. It amazes me how people just pack up and leave everything behind. Start over. I don't like saying I have regrets in life. I have poor decisions that came with bad consequences. Some major, some minor.  Strength. I lack it in many ways. Some say I am strong because of the way I can handle some situations. If they only knew. I live life like a deer in headlights. In shock

aperson

aperson in Venting

My inner childs first try at a blog

This part of Maya is 5. She holds a lot of confusion and feelings. I’m angry with 5 year old maya for not stopping him. Bad I know but I can’t help it. I’m so angry with her, which is awful. Perhaps 5 year old maya will feel better one day.   She’s on her therapists couch still eating sweets and in emergency foster care. She thinks daddy will come but he won’t because T has locked the door. She’s in pain, and not ready to talk yet. She feels a little mute.    what would she say? ‘I

Maya20

Maya20 in Inner Maya work

Good Day In Therapy

Hey, it's Allen. Today, we had therapy. I was super nervous about going, because we needed to tell her that what we were doing wasn't working. Turns out, we have a very good therapist! She completely rolled with it and with our ideas as if she'd made the plan herself. We even added something! I might have tagged it wrong, because I can't remember if this is CBT or DBT, but I think it's gonna be useful! I'm gonna attach the chart, but basically, you look at a situation. It can be comfor

Tiashe

Tiashe in Therapy

How we discovered it

Hey again, it's Allen. This is something that... is such a topic. There seems to be so much debate over recovered memories, but anyone who has recovered memories knows how real this is. I wanted to talk about our journey to discovery, though I admittedly don't remember a lot about it. (such are dissociative disorders I guess) From here, there will be some graphic details of intrusive memories and CSA, so please click away if you're not in a place to read that. It all started in mi

Tiashe

Tiashe in Our Trauma Journey

Intro

So.... I thought maybe using this blog as a safe space to share our experiences might help us. This is our first psot, so it's just going to be an intro and maybe some rambling. We're the Cosmos System, a mentally and physically disabled system who... well, we haven't figured out if we're DID or OSDD, but we're somewhere in there. There are over 80 of us, so it can be a bit chaotic, but I'm really glad we're all here and that I can be with everyone. Welve been on T for five years, but not a

Tiashe

Tiashe in About Us

24/11/2023

My last T session.  At least with my current T.  And I'm properly going to miss her.  She was amazing.   Today, today was sort of funny in a way.  Really really sad, loads of serious stuff, but also funny.  We were talking about my mum and the abuse, the violence, the lack of care, and also the love she showed - the Jekyll and Hyde character and she asked what it was I'd want to say to her if she were sat there now (she's long passed away).  My answer was quite simple, it was just 'Why?'. 

Depression - a slam poem

The darkness left for so long that I almost forgot it held a permanent residence in my body. The time I spent floating on clouds and singing songs was so tangible in my fingertips that I let myself believe the eviction took place and sunshine filled the corners you loved most. Holding hands and conversations so close to my heart while completely oblivious to your return date left me weightless and almost hopeful that normality could become familiar to me for the first time. Tossing bits and

Poppy_

Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

Just trying to keep moving forward

I have been in a funk of sorts for years now. It's the type of funk that you know you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tomorrow you hope for a better day. But it seems every side of the bed is the wrong side. There are days when I can manage the funk very well. I function at work and participate with family. Then there are the days that I cant really get past it. I cannot say that there is one thing or one emtion. I am just sad and depressed.  I have tried pinpointing what it is but I

aperson

aperson in Life

20/10/2023

Last week was a really positive week in therapy.  We talked about how the university group are going to put a post out following me contacting them, and for the first time in my life I actually felt genuinely happy.  There were proper tears or happiness, which I didn't even know were a real thing.  And it totally amazes me that that happiness could come out of such tragedy. This week, we ended up spending most of the session talking about my sister who is really low at the moment and I've n

I think they went too easy on him

Basically 3 big things have happened while I've been not documenting this journey over the past few months.  1) Apparently I did tell my maternal aunt that my brother was abusing me when I was around 11 or 12.  She knew the whole time and didn't bring it up with anyone.  I didn't remember telling her all this time.  LAME.  2) I confronted my parents.  They said they didn't remember me telling them about my bro when I was younger.  My mom made some excuses for my brother  like "boys do

29/09/2023

Today at T we first spoke reflected on last week and I said that I do still feel shame, but that I yoyo somewhat when it comes to feeling like I'm to blame.  Then I told her that I had contacted a group at the university I'm attending that education people (students) around the issues or sexual health and consent.  So I have emailed them to say that I'd like to make people aware in one of their campaigns that an orgasm is not consent.  It is just a reaction to stimuli.  She asked me how I felt a

Life is lifing

Every since I realized that I was having a medical issue, I have had a greater fear of not waking up one day. The diagnosis and treatment were suppose to alleviate this fear. Medical tests showing that my heart is healing and me taking my medications daily should help alleviate that fear. But none of that does many nights over the last 5 months. I have tried to wave that fear off. There is no reason that I should have it currently. Ironically, if you had picked any other day from as far as I cou

aperson

aperson in Life

22/09/2023

At T today we started by talking about Uni.  My head was/is really only focussed on that because I start next week, and a number of things have thrown it somewhat in to disarray.  One of the things is that it seems that most of my lectures are at the hospital, not the university itself. And I require transport supplied by DSA (the government) which a needs assessor has to do a quote for and apply for.  So I needed to knoow well in advance that I was going to be at the hospital, not the universit
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