Weekend-end</h1> <article> <h1>Weekend-end</h1> <p>Sun, 12 Oct 2025 22:54:46 +0000</p> <p> So the weekend is ending. I was supposed to rest and be gentle with myself. Turned out opposite. </p> <p> On the bright'ish side, I slowly started to realize that I was raped. I knew that logically, and remember it. But strangely, after this long time, I had this small realization how badly I got hurt. </p> <p> I also realized that I've been triggered today and on other occasions, and didn't know it's a trigger. I believed that I was freezing because I'm some kind of non grown up old wuss... </p> <p> My mindfulness practice was off today. I dissociated like hell. </p> </article> <article> <h1>Sunday</h1> <p>Sun, 12 Oct 2025 11:09:10 +0000</p> <p> The Sunday didn't start well. The tension between me and wife will most likely explode later in the day. </p> </article> <article> <h1>Not so good Saturday</h1> <p>Sun, 12 Oct 2025 06:18:41 +0000</p> <p> Yesterday was a crappy day. I felt worse after therapy day earlier plus I had a lot of friction with my wife. </p> <p> I let myself cry a bit in the toilet. </p> <p> </p> </article> <article> <h1>Therapy day</h1> <p>Fri, 10 Oct 2025 23:27:50 +0000</p> <p> Today was intense therapy related. I got back to EMDR after months of pause. I felt squished, my chest and throat burned. This time I go without expectations or "I have to do this" attitude. I want to take preferably last look at the past and let it go, not just hide and bury it. </p> <p> It's been a long time I haven't seen my abuser's face. This time I was able to pull this image very clearly. Looks like I'm still scared of him, based on my reaction. </p> <p> The worst, I think, was when </p> <div class="ipsSpoiler" data-ipsspoiler=""> <div class="ipsSpoiler_header"> <span>Spoiler</span> </div> <div class="ipsSpoiler_contents ipsClearfix"> <p> He tied me to the door, hands behind so I had to bend. I was naked. It was second time he did this, but when he started undressing... I realized I'm being raped. Until this point I was somehow able to rationalize it that I agreed to it and he was teaching me. </p> <p> I recall my thoughts were "fuck fuck, no, not this". And then I dissociated... For next 25 years. </p> </div> </div> <p> My therapist suggested writing down my memories to process them. I guess it's the best place. I hope all this work will bring me peace eventually. </p> </article> <article> <h1>Back to EMDR</h1> <p>Sun, 05 Oct 2025 14:33:48 +0000</p> <p> Together with my therapist we think I'm ready to go back to EMDR. My attitude and expectations have shifted. Previously I looked at it as fixing a long broken bone. So basically break it again and put back in order. It was a task. One that can be failed, and which I've been failing. Despite going round and round in my memories I couldn't find any emotions regarding them. </p> <p> This time I'm finally free of this success failure mentality. I will take one last look behind and leave them in the past. If I happen to feel something regarding them then good, but nothing will happen if I don't. </p> <p> There are also many memories of time past my trauma, which have never been touched. In this time I suffered a lot and retraumatized myself multiple times due to my inability to cope and function in the world. </p> <p> I want this attempt to be a farewell to my past trauma. I hope I won't need to dig it every again. </p> </article> <article> <h1>Back to work</h1> <p>Wed, 01 Oct 2025 08:03:18 +0000</p> <p> I returned to work. I'm surprised how calm and relaxed I am in contrast to how I felt 2 weeks ago when I decided to prolong medical leave. </p> </article> <article> <h1>Yesterday wasn't good</h1> <p>Sun, 28 Sep 2025 08:10:05 +0000</p> <p> Yesterday wasn't a good day. I didn't have time for myself despite informing earlier that I plan that. </p> </article> <article> <h1>Start</h1> <p>Sat, 27 Sep 2025 17:33:12 +0000</p> <p> Well, here I am writing blog. I'd never think I would do one. Doesn't hurt trying I guess ... </p> </article> </main></body></html>