And, In the comment section of that same youtube video, people seemed to be relieved, glad that didn't happen. They we're glad somone would remember them after they passed, because even if they weren't conscious of It, their memory would live on...

And when I think about that...when I think about all of this, I don't feel relieved....I don't feel glad...and at first, I didn't know why I didn't feel any of those things. I questioned If there was something wrong with me? why does everyone feel relieved when they hear that but I dont?

And then after sitting with It for a while....It came to me a little more clearly...I just don't feel afraid of being forgotten as much as I fear other things In my life...

I fear It a bit sure, beacuse the concept of not feeling like you "existed" even though you lived a whole life time on earth? Is so devastating and so invalidating to your own experiences. It's like saying, everything you went through was for nothing because no one noticed It, and....everybody wants to feel a bit noticed and recognized. I get that, I truly get that. In my mind the reasons are very clear to me, but emotionally? I'm not sure Im 100% there..

And of course, I do feel afraid of It, as other people do too, just not as much. And maybe this will sound cold and heartless, but I've never really wanted for anyone to cry for me If I die. And I know It will happen inevitably and I can't expect otherwise, or even blame them...cause I would also cry for the people I love If they weren't here anymore. But for some reason I just don't care If someone remembers me afterwards, I don't even think I'll know If they do remember me, you know? cause...wherever I'm going after I'm dead Is sort of a mystery to me, so I don't know If I'll even get a consciousness where I'm a ghost (let's say) and I'm like "Oh thank god! they still keep tabs on me", like no girl, go live your life, do your things. If It helps you to remember me or Inspires you In some way, go ahead, I fully support you, as long as Its helping you, but other than that, I don't need to be remembered by anybody.

I like to think that the life I lived--or Im still living lmao, Is proof enough that I did do something worth while, and I feel confident enough to say that I don't need anybody to see that In order for my life to feel valid and real...and worth while...and I don't blame anybody who wants that, I just personally don't feel the same. Wherever I go after I die Is my second adventure and I feel like I'll be to busy living that to worry about my memory...

I feel like "keeping the memory of someone" Is a very "earthly" and "human" thing to do...and It makes sense why It Is that way...our lives aren't eternal, so we cherish the memories, because the memories are brief, and so are the people....It's one of the sweetest things we can do about something like that. But I just feel like, It should stay an "earthly" thing....because, I'm not sure we can control the memory of us In the "afterlife", nor we should worry about It.

I won't try to change anyone's mind If they want to be remembered, but I wish I could encourage those people to think bigger, to let go of this concept that you need someone else to see you In order to just exist.

I can't force (and I won't force) the belief that we are spirits In a body, but If we were, then we are so much bigger than this earth and Its history. And I just wish people knew that not being seen doesn't mean you're ever alone or left behind. I believe we are always connected no matter which state In life we're at. That's why even when I feel alone I try to remind myself that's not true In the bigger scheme of things. 

These days, I feel like I have to question everyone who's around me. What are their intentions? are they nice people? are they nice people sometimes, and other times not so much? can I trust them In difficult times? or will they abandon me like others have In the past?....are they trying to get something from me? Is It security? entretainment? Is it nostalgia or memories from the past? do I even mean anything to them right now?...

I fail to understand how some people can have "half-friendships" and still find them "genuine", only because they're "useful" In certain situations...and If that's so, Is a friendship only meant to be useful? Is It meant to be both, useful and caring?, do we have to give back something? what If I can't give much?, am I going to be discarded then? If I don't fullfill my task? or whatever I'm supposed to do? what am I supposed to do? shouldn't my presence be enough? why Is the presence of my friends enough for me, but not to them. Is that unfair? or Is It unfair of me to think that way?

If I don't see you months at a time, do I stop meaning something to you? do I need to keep giving something back to have value In your life? or to be remembered In your memory? will I be forgotten for not being able to give enough when I had the chance? Is that all that I am?

But maybe It's okay to lose me so easily because, anyone can be replaced these days. Maybe someone else can be as funny as I was with you, or close enough to make you laugh like you used to. Maybe they're clumsy when they're walking like I am, or maybe they can stay as late as I could while chatting on the phone.

But If they truly are just like me, won't they have the same fate as I did?...to be discarded after they forgot to show up too many times?. So now they must not deserve your love, because it's transactional. And if that's so, then I must recommend you shall not loof for someone like me, because you'll be disappointed. Instead, you will probably be happier with someone who will fulfill your needs at any given time. 

In that time you may learn a few things…about them, about yourself, about the world.

You may have fun with them too and enjoy their company, their energy. As well as feeling safe enough to feel sad or cry about whatever Is heavy on your heart.

It may feel like there’s an Infinite number of things you could talk about with this person. It convinces you that it’ll never end, even if it’s for a small eternity. 

The connection Is so strong that it makes you wonder about a future with them In It (In whatever way that Is). A thought you hadn’t had before because you know deep they won’t stay forever. But still, you take the liberty to believe In that fantasy for a bit, trying not to indulge In It too much so that you won’t get lost.

Soon everything will already be said between the two of you, and both of you can sense It. Theres nothing left to talk about that hasn’t already been mentioned, and nothing new that could surprise you or couldn’t already predict from each other. And there will be a silence of that understanding. A feeling that they’re drifting away to move on to something or someone new.

It feels a bit powerless and helpless from your end because you know their heart Isn’t In It anymore…you almost wish you could change their mind, but you care about them too much to be that selfish and not let them grow elsewhere, where you know they could and they should.

Do they wonder about the same things too? Have they ever thought about being selfish and try to keep me with them for a bit longer like I do?… I’ll never know.

Its bittersweet but It’s honest. And that’s love.

I think this place became so comfortable for me that at a certain point, I only came here to share all my Issues…and maybe I made It seem like that was all there was In my life…

My days are usually filled with “gray areas”. Good and bad things happen to me all the time, or maybe even In the same day. But I don’t think a lot of people know that about me, and It’s my fault for not sharing It.

If I could go back In time to when I started writing here, I wish I would’ve shared more positive things, because I made It a habit to always orbit back to talking about the “not so good” times I had.
 

Surprisingly enough, at that time In my life I didn’t get to share most of my negative thoughts with the people around me. Sometimes they weren’t interested In It (which Is fair, we all have our days) but some would assume or “classify” me as someone that’s “always going through something”…and that always itched me.

I guess somewhere along the line I just stopped sharing any negative thing that happened to me, even the small things because I didn’t want people to put me In a box and believe that tragedies were all there Is to me. Im still afraid of others thinking that too.

Even though I know myself and I know deep Inside that Im not defined by the things that happen to me. Others don’t seem to believe It and It makes me doubt myself. 
 

I know I don’t need to say these things but, I’m the best I’ve ever been In my life since a long time ago. I have my dream job that pays me well enough to live. Some days I don’t even want to go home because I’m having so much fun doing the thing I love. I’ve never experienced that before…

Yes I might’ve broken up with my boyfriend but, I learned so much from that relationship. It was my first relationship where things werent toxic. We ended In good terms and we’re still good friends. Things just weren’t working as well as before, but we grew so much as people and I don’t regret having that experience. It was like my first real and honest relationship.

Im also a year from graduating and I don’t have to worry about looking for a good job because I already feel like I have one. 
 

I stream on twitch every Sunday and It’s something I’ve been working on for a really long time

And yes, I’m EXHAUSTED, and yes I COMPLAIN a lot. But objectively, I’m doing sooo much better than I’ve ever been. And even as tired as I am, my heart Is fulfilled every time I go to bed, because I’m doing what I love, and I went through hell and back to get here, all by myself. And I’m proud of myself. AND I THINK IM NOT NEGATIVE OKAY 🥲 It’s just my personality

And silly me, I probably played a million different scenarios In my head where I got to tell you everything you didn't want to hear once you came back. Of course, you never came back, so my words got eaten up In my brain forever. I don't even remember half of the things I "complained" to you about In my head. However, I do remember the feeling once I knew you wouldn't come back, one so very familiar. A stinging In my stomach and a bad taste In my mouth. But I can't say It'll be the last time that happens, and don't believe to be so special because It certainly wasn't the first either.

Unfortunetly, In this cruel world (and If you have a heart similar to mine) you'll probably write many letters In your life to people who won't even return to look at you. In short, people who don't care about you. And oh, how I'm jealous because...how do they not?...how do they do It?. Everything I do In my life, everything I am, Is to care. I don't know how to be anything else, and god knows I've tried. Imagine just how free-spirited I'd be If I didn't? If I chose to be selfish. Maybe that's the answer, maybe that's who I'm supposed to be...but why does It feel as If someone asked a fish to fly?. I'm a fish that can't fly, and I pay the price every time.

Deep down, I wish I could be like you. But I am, all at once, cursed and blessed to care for everything. Even people as careless as you. 

And we'll all laugh an uncomfortable laugh. We'll even doubt If we're allowed to do so and look around for comfort, but we'll find that none of us have the answer, or, even worse, that none of us want to give It away.

We'll pretend It didn't happen and look the other way, since that's the thing we're best at, believing someone will take care of It anyways, even though no one ever does. 

We may think "someone like that wouldn't be around us", so they must not be! right?, unless, we let them. And we have let them. We'll shortly realize they are all around. At the parties with our friends In common, at our schools and jobs, walking down the streets, and even In our own home.

He even faces accusations from his past, but no one remembers. Because, he lives a normal life, and people who are let to live a normal life aren't bad people, or so we're led to think. He's allowed to go out and have fun, whilst those he hurt remain In hiding, In fear he'll hurt them again. Soon enough, the names of his victims will drown, If they haven't already. And that's how we let them keep getting away.

We pave the way for them to carry out the perfect crime In plain sight. We give them a voice, a platform, money, power, fame -In some cases. And then we go home and sleep at night just fine thinking "at least I'm not him". It's true, we're not him, we're worse, we're his accomplice...everyone Is. 

Every perpetrator we don't call out means they get to walk away, It means they're allowed to keep doing It and they probably will. It means we don't care enough.

But It's just a joke right?. It's just a joke that encourages violance. And we all take It.

**Disclaimer**

Just wanted to quickly say that this Is said from the perspective of a society that doesn't do anything when they witness bad behaviour, that's why I use the pronouns "we" and "us". But I'm not directly pointing fingers at anybody In particular. It's just a theme I've been seeing a lot recently In my personal life and online. For example, a few weeks ago I saw a guy at a party with some of my friends (far away) who was accused of sa'ing girls TWICE. And I just thought It was so dystopian how he was allowed to go to that party or go out In general. Also, the fact that he came with his new girlfriend (who I hope Is okay and gets out of that situation), and we're all just witnessing and not knowing what to do. It was so bizarre and It made me spiral Into a weird rage thinking about how someone who's so famously bad can keep having everything In their life, and more, and never face any repercussions.

Recently I also found out online that some famous people had talked about young winona ryder (who was 17 at the time) In a very disgusting way. The age gap between them was so creepy too. Sometimes there was a 30 year age gap. These are famous movie directors, who still have a job TODAY, who have wives, children. They're monsters, and they're out. The crazy part Is that I found out about what they did just now, and before that they've always seemed like "acceptable" people. I just keep wondering how many people know, and how many chose to ignore It.

Imagine being a kid and thinking you'll be protected by the adults, but the adults are all against you. There are the ones that hurt you, and the ones that let them hurt you. So who Is left to care for you?

I was afraid of the word sex, of the word orgasm, of getting to label myself, of wanting things, etc. I thought It would stain my image, that people would see me differently If I told them these things about myself, or that they would stop loving me for It. I thought people weren't allowed to be sweet, caring and gentle, as well as bold, daring and experimental (In refference to sex). That It would be weird to fit so many labels In one person. But the thing Is most people aren't just one thing, we're made up of many things. And the more I kept bottling down that side of me, the more It poured out unexpectedly In very destructive ways. One of those ways, was through relationships...

I don't even think I can count my first boyfriend as my "boyfriend"  because I was just a kid and I really didn't like him, but It's embarrasing to admit that even though that was not even a real, mature, relationship, It's probably my best one yet In comparison to the rest. Because at least, he treated me nicely. The rest of my relationships were a rollercoaster of emotions ans troubles and horrible heartache. 

And though I'm not gonna talk about all of them, sometimes I get the urge to talk about the last time I fell In love with someone and my relationship with them. We didn't date for long (It was maybe 4-5 months or so) but It's just one of those times where you meet someone and you know that you'll fall for them. It happened so fast for me, I wasn't ready to take It all In so quickly. It's also super rare for me to fall In love fast, I usually take many months (like 8 or 9). I think he just did all the right things for me, he was super sweet, he was confident In who he was (which Is a very attractive factor for me), he had his life together (he was tudying and working), he had a passion for things and life, and music, he would always compliment me, he was smart and would listen to everything I had to say, just everything...everything.

Besides that, he was my first relationship that didn't try to sa me, or force me to do something I wasn't ready to do, or treat me like garbage. He basically treated me like a decent human being after being mistreated and my heart Immidietly was like "It's time to be In love".

Those were the first two most wonderful months of my life, until we reached the third one. All of a sudden the act was dropped. I remember the first thing that happened was that he picked me up super late from my house (almost 2 hours from the time we'd said to meet up). I kept mentioning that It was a very big issue for me to be so late because being on time Is a subject that's very important to me...I'm not usually very strict on almost anything, but seriously...don't f*ck with me and time. I just think It's disrispectful to be late because It's like you're saying you don't care for that person's schedule or what they have to do, and in fact, that they should work within your time. It was getting so bad I had to sit down with him and tell him that this might be a deal-breaker for me (considering we're just dating still), and by that time I think he was still very Into me becasue after I said that, he took my hands and told me that he would do better, that It wasn't worth breaking up for, and that he didn't wanna lose me. And for two weeks he kept his promise, until he didn't. By that time I'd already fallen head over heels for that man and It was too late for me, I began to accept that behaviour, knowing how against It I am.

It seems simple enough to be late, but that wasn't the only thing...after we were intimate for the first time, although he was excited and cheery with me, he seemed distracted. He stopped asking questions about me, trying to get to know me, It's like he'd lost interest In who I was on the inside. Worse than that, every time we'd see each other, all we seemed to do Is go to his house, have sex, chat for a little, and then leave. And again, at first I was fine with It (at least this wasn't a problem of consent, I understand I'm at fault too for allowing this dynamic to keep going), but then I quickly grew tired of It. I remember mentioning once that If we were gonna keep being intimate, that labels were important to me, that I didn't need a big surprise or anything fancy, just a simple question...to what he told me that he thought I was already his girlfriend. I was honestly very confused because I was raised In a culture where you need to ask the other person If they want to be their girlfriends. I thought It was a healthy conversation to have because In the end he agreed to do something. He told me I should be "prepared" or something like that...I should've known that was bullsh*t...but again, the rose colored glasses are too stained to see anything.

I became confident he would ask me eventually, but obviously he never did, I kept waiting and waiting for nothing. All he wanted to do Is fuck me and see me next week to do the same thing. We barely went out to restaurants anymore or anything planned. By this time I'd already mentioned that sex Isn't all I wanted to do, that I wanted to know more about him and viceversa. We didn't know each other well enough. Then, I started to get sick, I had this nasty UTI that wouldn't go away (and for ya'll who have kept tabs with me know that I have problems with my bladder, guess who they started with? GUESS WHO?... yeah, this guy gave It to me). I did every exam under the planet, doctors still don't know what's wrong with me to this day. I've done STD testing and everything came out clean. I've done all sorts of blood work, two types of different pee tests. They've even done an echo to see If I have rocks In my bladder or If my kidneys are weird, but NOTHING. All they could find Is that my bladder Is constantly inflamed. I also took so many sets of antibiotics during this time...It was awful.

My body went through a lot during this time. I really thought this guy would be different than the rest because he was older than me (we had a 6 year age gap), but I think he was worse In a lot of other ways. I had to take a Plan B after our first time because he wanted to have sex unprotected and because I didn't care enough (I should have). And If you know you KNOW a Plan B absolutely ruins all your period cycle for months and months and months. The cramps I had after that were awful. 

The pills I took, the antibiotics, the tests, the sex, everything was too much. I had razor burns from constantly shaving my intimate parts because he just wanted a "smooth feeling" LIKE WHAT. There where times I wasn't feeling like having sex because my body was going through It, he knew I was sick and I had cramps, but always ended up convincing me. 

One time I ended up In the ER because I started developing an actual fever from the UTI, which Is NOT NORMAL whatsoever. He barely said anything, he was just like "what, why?". That's It, didn't really seem to care further than that, or didn't want to get Involved. It's funny how your body signals you when someone Isn't right for you and yet we don't listen....when we broke up I immidietly got better, never got sick again...but I did have leftovers. I still had issues with my bladder (to this day).

The day we broke up was f*cked up too. I knew something was off for about two weeks prior, he barely texted me and one of those weeks he didn't want to go out. I knew the break up was coming but I didn't want to accept It. Finally, when we saw each other, he picked me up from my house (late as always), I sat In his car and he was awfully quiet. I tried reaching for his left hand because he ususally likes to hold me whilst driving, I barely touched It before I noticed he wasn't grabbing me back, I stayed there for a few seconds thinking of what was going on and then I ended up removing my hand and putting It on my lap once again. I felt like I'd done something wrong, like he was upset with me or something. I thought "maybe he's had a long day, maybe he doesn't want to be touched right now", and I calmed myself down because sometimes there are days where I don't want to be touched and so, I chose to not take that personally. He then told me he was taking me to the restaurant I'd been begging to go with him for weeks and I got super excited...not because of the restaurant Itslef, but because It was a chance for us to finally talk more and connect again. We went to eat and everything seemed fine. He mentioned he liked my top...I think It's because It showed some clevege (very classy of him as always), we ate, and then we asked for the bill. In this part he seemed fine, he cheered up again, so I thought everything was fine. Out of the blue he asked me something super weird, he asked me "would you ever have a threesome?". I'm not kidding, we weren't even talking about anythhing related to sex before. I laughed out of nervousness and I started stuttering, I was really shocked because he'd never asked me anything like that before. I said "no, why?", to what he answered "just curious, I wouldn't either, It's just "horny thinking". I stayed quiet for a solid minute...thinking of the right words to say, I was starting to feel super uncomfortable and confused as to why he would ask me those things. I thought "maybe he's thinking of something he wants do to with me, and I shouldn't make him feel weird about wanting different things..." but I couldn't help feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of a third person. I had so many questions but before I said anything he said "you're bisexual right? what If It was a girl?", I wanted to reaffirm my beliefs and clear his doubts so I said "I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable with that, I'd just get jealous", to what he said "yeah me too...so what If It was a man?"...that shocked me even more, I said "I'd feel unsafe being In a room with two men", he said "true". I sat there In pure shock. I asked If he was suggesting something and he kept denying everything. Something was super off about that conversation. I kept wondering why he kept insisting on the idea. I told him that It made me uncomfortable to have that conversation thinking It was healthy of me to be honest, so we stopped talking about It and moved on.

He then suggested to go back to his place (a weird suggestion considering we never did two things In one day), though I wasn't worried because I knew nothing could happen at his apartment knowing I was on my period (sadly that was the only times when we souldn't do It). He barely gave me a peck back at the restaurant, we hadn't really kissed that day but I think It was because I knew he was recovering from a cold...though by that time It had been two weeks since he got sick. I sort of remembered that when we got to his house so I asked him "can I kiss you now that you're not sick?" and he said "yeah, sure". He let me kiss him but he didn't seem too enthusiastic about It, so again, I followed along and didn't push anymore. It felt like he was putting up a barrier. Then I sat on the couch and that's when he started kissing me a lot, he was also very grabby, he started touching my chest and of course, because I was In love, I let him. Then he stopped pulled back, he said "wait...we can't do this anymore". I was super confused, I asked "do what?". I don't remember as much of what happened In that conversation, all I had were key points that I still remember to this day. Basically, he grabbed my hands, looked me In my eyes and said that I was the most well-intentioned girl he'd ever met, but that he couldn't connect with me. Now that It's been a year since that "break up" (or whatever It was because I wasn't truly his girlfriend) I've thought about what he said about connection. He was right that In the end we stopped connecting, he was truly right, but he was right about It because during those last two months he didn't care to finish getting to know me...he stopped asking questions, he stopped answering MY questions about HIS life...of course we weren't connecting...for a second I even thought we'd never had a connection In the first place, but that's a lie...we did, we talked about many things In the start, I listened. There was a spark, but connection Isn't just about sparks like In the movies, It's about commitment, It's about effort and to keep trying to connect with your partner despite everyday's struggles, to keep tabs with them, not to have them as decoration or furniture In your house...I mean c'mon, they're a WHOLE person. I felt used and manipulated...I knew that If he'd told me sooner to break up I would've never let him kiss me or grab me like that, that day. He knew he would break up with me, and yet still had the audacity to touch my chest, as If I'd permit that to someone who wants to break up with me...that's what baffles me the most. Like, at least, If someone wants to have "break-up sex" with you or whatever (which by the way I clearly do not believe In) AT LEAST give them the CHOICE. He acted super "lovey" during our dinner and whilst on the couch, only to reveal he had no "emotional feelings for me"...for real, that's what he said. He told me "I mean, physically, I'm VERY attracted to you, gosh...but emotionally-", and I took that as an offense...obviously. He thought he was flattering me by saying I was very physically attractive but I just kept thinking about how he didn't really like or care for the person I was on the Inside. AND ALSO, the choice of his words that first came out of his mouth were how "nice and well Intentioned" I was....like okay??? like most people are that. He didn't mention how I was funny, or smart, or interesting, or creative. NOTHING. He didn't say any of these things because he didn't know me. He never did. But It was definitely a punch to the face to find out how little he was interested In me as a person, considering I'm so much more than "just pretty". 

He mentioned we weren't a match, which Is true. A true match for me would be someone Interested In me beyond my looks who wants to take care of the relationship, not just wonder why It didn't work when they made no effort for It to work. It was easy for him to say all this things because he wasn't In love like I was, or didn't care about me like I did for him.

In the end he wanted to hug me and all that, but again, I'm not that type of person so I kept denying It for obvious reasons, he hugged me anyways and I started crying, which made It even more difficult for me to let go. I just wanted to move on and get home already but he kept dragging It out. I also knew I was gonna cry If he hugged me (which I didn't want to do) but because he wasn't letting go I finally said "don't touch me". I didn't really want to be the person that yells not to be touched and add more drama, but he wasn't listening, and I knew that would have an immidiate effect to let me go fast, and...he did. I just asked him to stop all-over, stop talking, touching me, justifying. Just stop. No more. Besides, I'd already understand what was happening, maybe I didn't understand his reasons for everything, but one thing I'm familiar with Is rejection. Like, I get It, you don't like me, like...fine. No need to keep making up "feel-good" endings. He even asked me to still be friends, to which I denied...obviously...I mean, I'm not gonna give him that, hell no. Having me In his life was a privilage he didn't know how to take care of, that's not my problem. Besides, It never works out for me to be friends with my exes...If he wants me gone, I'm gone, but for good. I won't let him have bits and pieces of me or try to make him feel a little less shitty by giving him a good ending like "still being friends", no. He chose that, so he has to live with the consequences of not having me around.

After the breakup he kept tabs on me on Instagram, he used to like all the photos and stories I posted of me where I looked pretty...not realizing I'd stopped following him back since the day we'd broken up....then one day (I think after a month) he finally realized I didn't follow him back, and stopped following me altogether. It was a peaceful time. Men will fumble incredible women to then stalk them online forever. (I saw that quote somewhere lol).

It's not necesarily a bad thing, but I'm wondering If I can talk about other things? maybe keep things light once In a while. That might be a good change.

For context I was already feeling like I was In some sort of "lockdown" because I'd just quit my job plus my summer vacations had started, so all I've done Is stay at home.

I kinda forget every now and then, that when I lose a routine I get severely depressed. (Like yes I'm already deressed, but It comes In a bigger wave when I stop going out). It's generally hard for me to go out If I don't have an event or obligation to go to, In fact I WONT go out, UNLESS I have an event or obligation to go to. It's dangerous because I can't find a genuine will to get out of bed unless I have to. And then, as If that wasn't enough, the one time I decide to go out I catch covid, which I'd never had before, and It all feels like a bad sitcom.

I told my therapist how funny It Is that I was already feeling as If we we're In lockdown, to then get covid and complete the whole package.

but, In a more serious way...things haven't been so good for me. Being alone with my dad at home has been so, so uncomfortable and stressful for me because of reasons I don't want to get Into Lol. Not that It's an "extreme" situation or anything, like I'm not In danger, it's just been a really bad experience.

It's been bringing up a lot of memories from the pandemic too, a lot of traumas, I even started remembering one of my abusive best friends I had at the time that absolutely ruined my life...I don't know why, but now she's In my mind again...they come In flashes, sometimes with strong emotions attached or Intrusive thoughts. It's hell.

I physically have reactions to my flashbacks which Is something I'm not so accustomed to AT ALL. I sweat, I space out, I shake, I mumble.... I am NOT there. It visually looks like I'm having some sort of war flashback. And then afterwards I lose a bit of memory of what I was doing, who I was with, sometimes where I'm at. It's scary.

The thing that's been bothering me the most however, Is that I've been having very graphic and very uncomfortable Intrusive thoughts, and although I've dealt with things like that In the past many times, I'm struggling really hard with these ones because they feed off of very strong phobias that I have. 

I geniuenly feel incarcerated In my own mind....just as how I felt during the pandemic. Which casually was also the lowest point In my mental health an In life In general. So not great, no. One ould think after they went through It, they now don't have to go through It twice right? right?.....

I think I've reached a point where I don't know wether to choose to put out another fire or start to build myself a life, even if It's a slow one.

If I choose my dreams, It'll be slow and I'll still have to put up with poor living, doubting everyday If I can stand It anymore, not knowing If I'll eventually lose my mind because of It.

If I choose a home, I'll never have to put up with bad living situations from others, and If I do It'll at least be up to me to change It, but my dreams will be put on hold for god knows how long.

If I don't choose anything life will choose for me In ways I don't agree, In ways I can't control.

If I don't choose now, It's one more year I stay In this house regardless.

I'm bad at choosing. I'm bad at leaving people behind, about moving. I'm bad at being alone and with people. 

I'm burned out, Is that Important to this equation? has anybody considered It yet? why do people go over It when I mention It?

I fear regret, I fear I'll never move out and I'll always live In a hell hole. I fear If I don't do anything now I never will. I fear I'm too burned out to do anything new, too broken to be with anyone new. 

I don't know what to spend my time on first, but anything I choose will take a while so the more I stall on It, the more time It'll take, and i'm only 21, why do I feel so much pressure? why do I need everything to be figured out now? will that finally make me feel at peace with myself?

I've grown up faster than I thought I would, even If my younger self disagrees.

She would've told me that everything seems so slow. She wanted to grow up faster to get out of there faster, and I feel like I've failed her because I'm still here.

Imagine being alone In an empty room with some eco In it...knowing you, you'd probably start singing a little tune to hear how It sounds. Eco's are an interesting sound, right? so why wouldn't you try It out, and If you're alone you could do It as much as you wanted to, as much as you needed to. No one would tell you to stop or say that you were being too loud, too much. There's nothing inherently wrong with It you know? some people just don't like big sounds.

You see, birds don't apologize for singing or talking or making sounds. Birds need to do It In order to survive and communicate with others. Some may not like that and that's okay, not everyone likes how birds sound, but that doesn't mean they're 'bad birds'. There's no such thing. What there Is, are people who just don't like them, maybe they're more of a frog type.

In any way, there's no reason why you would need to be anything different than what you are right now. You could be a bird who just flies away when they need to, that speaks when they're hungry or hurting, that sings when they're inspiried. You're allowed to take up space, It's what every living thing Is meant to do here, there's no way around It and anyone who's made you felt differently Is wrong.

Being alive means to exist, to be, to need things, to say things.

What could a person really know about living when they don't even let others experience It? It's contradictory.

I know people made you feel like you were too much for such a long time. Laughing wasn't allowed because then you'd be spoiled, speaking was rude because It was never percieved as a need but as you challenging them, singing was annoying because It disrupted people's peace, crying meant that you were playing the victim card. And although you were young, you were quick to understand that being all these things was unsafe, so In order to regain balance you became mute for years and years.

It worked of course, but now your body and your mind felt numb, the damage was done. Regaining that confidence Is something I still struggle to this day. I don't think I'll ever be that same social little girl I used to be. But you should know, It's not your fault.

Just wanted to remind you that you can be whatever you want now. As much or as little as you want. The choice Is yours, forever and ever.

And I'll be here whenever you need a reminder. A little push. Ly

.

For context, just a few weeks before my stepmom asked my dad for a divorce, she wanted to claim the house as her own, In case anything would happen to my dad (which I understand because my dad shouldn't be working at his age and has had a lot of problems regarding economic safety as well as his own personal health). He' s 75 years old, just so you get the picture. I can't possibly understand what It's like to keep working at his age, supporting everyone still...and although my brother and I work, school Is still so expensive.

I've always suggested dropping out to my dad because of economic reasons, but he always refuses and somehow still tries to support me. I also noticed that whenever I would work more at my job then go to school he would increasingly get more and more stressed...he would tell me to just focus on school, not to worry about anything else. I can see those things affect him deeply. His mental health has always been very unstable, especially with stress and anxiety, and If being out of school was causing much more stress, then I was just going to stay. This Is besides the point, but, It's important to know that my dad works REALLY hard for the things that he wants.

He hasn't been the best father, and although I can't know what his relationships were like, at least It seemed that he didn't know how to be a good partner either. I don't blame my stepmom for wanting to get divorced...I'm surprised she didn't do It sooner. What I didn't like was how she did It. And no, I don't think there's a "right" way to get divorced, of course It's always gonna be messy. I'm not even talking about that...this Is where we catch up to the beginning to her claiming the house.

She claimed she wanted the house In her name for her own life security, In case anything would happen. Which like I said In the beginning, It only made sense to me. Nothing wrong with that. My concern was, however, that she might want to kick me and my brother out of the house since she's tried to do It multiple times now (she has never really liked us), and the thing about having a house that you own with people you don't like living In It, Is that you can call the police to take them away, and they have all the right to do so. Because from that point on we are strangers In an unknown establishment. I do believe she's that kind of person to do that. My dad at the time disagreed, but oh boy did that not age well for him.

I still believe she partly wanted home security, especially long-term. But, I wasn't sure how much she also wanted us out...or, how quick. Then my dad did something stupid. He trusted his wife lol...

He talked to her (apparently) about signing a contract to give her full posession of the house, as long as she wouldn't kick us out. She said yes, then he signed the contract (although I think It was In form of a donation so It wasn't as official?? but anyways). And then what we all predicted would happen, happened. She asked my dad for a divorce minutes after, not only to kick us out, but to kick EVERYONE out...including my father. Small plotwist that I wasn't expecting.

I thought my dad was a little safer than us, but not really no...

Luckily It's a procedure that can be "taken back" or "undone", and my dad's woking with a lawyer now....or something. With the help of my big sister though, because without her my dad would be completely lost. He even told me so, he was like, "welp, we're gonna lose everything". That's for trusting on your wife who *mainly* cares about herself.

She's treated us like crap In the past though. I'm not just saying that she's selfish because of this recent event, no, no. She's demonstrated quite a few times to my siblings and I that she does NOT want us around or likes us In any form. Actually, from her own words....she didn't consider us getting involved much into "her marriage" with my dad, because at the time my siblings and I were living with my mom, until you know, she died. No one was expecting that one to happen, and apparently It ruined her plans. Well, let me tell you It ruined a bunch of other plans too, you know? like for example, I wanted to have my mother see me graduate high school, but you see plans change, and you adapt to the circumstances.

She could've at least tried to have a friendship with me and my brother. We didn't ask to live with them either and It was hard for us too but we just worked with It. It honestly feels like she's been denying our stay since we got here. And back then we were only kids, what were we supposed to do? or go?

I can't completely disregard that she's tried however, because I know she has, but It was so very little. The bare minimum. An unfortunetly you can't build something good with anybody usinng the bare minimum. Especially as absent as she Is and has always been. Always keeping her distance you know. Thing Is I never minded the distance, I just didn't understand why she would then punish us for shit when she was practically a stranger. Weird, weird behaviour.

Part 2 I'll post tomorrow probably

I gotta be honest, It's not much different from how I'm writing right now because I still feel drained almost everyday. But If I stop writing It'll make It worse. Writing has always been a good way to cope with things, at least to me.

I like to think of this place as a space for to readers to exist together. It's me and you and whatever crazy thing I'm writing about haha. And maybe, It becomes a little bit less lonley when I write for the both of us, other than just myself. It makes me feel like what I write has a bigger purpose. I can't possibly surprise myself with my own thoughts anymore...I already know what they are and I think I know mostly everything about me. I guess that's the beauty about sharing your thoughts with someone else... you get to surprise them. I know others have done the same for me.

Even If more than one person joins to read my stuff I think I'd still count It to be as personal as "you and me" because at the end of the day, the person I'm talking to Is just you, whoever that may be....It's personal to each person who crosses paths with me-- I hope that makes the slightest sense. Its like, when a bunch of people hear the same song but they all think of It just a little bit different than the rest because they're taking It personally. It's just a different world In each little brain and although It's the same message, Its interpreted through their own lenses. That's how I like to see It....as they say "art Is free to interpret". There's a reason why It's free.

Then, as beautiful as It may be, It's also just as scary. I mean, think about the way that people are all their own complex world....It's obviously a good kind of scary though, It makes me feel even less lonely knowing everyone's existence Is so alive. Still.....how weird Is It to think about people's perception of things?

I probably sound so silly being this existential over nothing lol, I do feel silly.

It's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I've been wanting to put It out there.

I honestly hope I do write more often, It does good things for me hahah.

love u and I'll be back soon

YV: I wish we were safe. I feel like you run around when things happen at the house and It makes me feel scared, like I don't know what's gonna happen next...

OV: I know, I wish we had a better place to stay too...our own place, but for the moment we just have to keep moving, we have no choice....

YV: But why don't you slow down? why can't you see that I can't run as fast as you do and I'm scared because I don't know when you're gonna stop. I promise I'll get better at running but I can't go that fast yet.

OV: I'm sorry I've pushing you so much-- I know It makes you feel scared, I feel scared too...silly right? I'm supposed to be this "big adult" who's not afraid of anything and can act fast In dangerous situations, but then...I don't know what happens to me, I just freeze. Grown-ups get scared too and I didn't know that until I became one. Whenever someone who lives with us confronts us, I start to feel like your around, and somehow I'm able to feel as small as you do and It's like I can't protect you anymore--I'm sorry for that, I wish I could be a better sister to you. I wish I was braver and I didn't run away everytime someone Is being so mean to us.

I guess I just don't know what to do In those situations because, If we stay we'll get yelled at, If we run we'll feel unsafe like you said. This must be so confusing to understand Isn't It?, It's not your fault...or mine either. The people around us are the ones who need to change but, sometimes people don't want to change, even If it's the best for them, and we can't do anything about It. 

YV: ...okay, It's fine I guess, I just wish I didn't feel scared anymore

OV: me too...at least we have each other and, In the meantime, how about we try to make the best of It huh? what do you say?. We can a make a plan...a top secret plan, only both of us can know about It. My mission will be to try to stick around even when things get ugly and be brave enough to protect you....aaand In exchange you have to do the most important job of all, It's top secret too, highest rank.

YV: What Is It?

OV: I need you, my most trusted ally, to write down very cool, snarky words that I can use to win the battle. Nothing mean though, In fact, the smarter the words the better-- we'll confuse our opponent with BIG words. But only you can do It...so? what do you think?

YV: I think your a crazy old sister haha.

OV: Very true, but you'll do that for me right? 

YV: Do you think It'll work?

OV: Absolutely. 

YV: ...okay, I'll do It.

oldme: It's a nice thought.

bbme: It's more than a thought! It's a plan, and you're invited. You have to know, only people who have secret skills and powers can come with me, so now you know that you're a chosen one too.

oldme: I am?

bbme: of course, why wouldn't you be? we're all main characters In our story, that's the whole point. There's magic everywhere, haven't you seen It?....maybe you just have to look closer, It's always there listening to you and that's why we're never alone. The only thing you have to do Is believe In me, can you do that? the responsibility Is high just so you know, because having powers requires discipline and lots of fun...so, do we have a deal?

oldme: ...deal, but only If you let me have invisibility powers.

bbme: ugh, fine, I'll settle for water control.

Old me: Not at all, I'm never mad at you, I will always love you no matter what, I just wanna know how you're doing...I know sitting down can make you nervous because you relate It to being punished but I promise you that you're okay, you're safe.

bby me: Okay. Well, I've felt lonely lately, sort of like everthing's empty. I miss my old room, my toys, my friends, It feels like there's nothing. Do you know If...It gets better? like, this feeling?. I know you'll always have my back but I don't always want you to be the only one with me, maybe that's a little selfish; I wonder why most people don't step In or care enough to protect me; the strangest thing Is that I know you'd do It In a heartbeat for them though. Sometimes It's hard to understand how we can give so much and expect nothing from no one, and I don't mean as In 'returning the favor' at all, but just appriciating the fact that you did It, like, maybe a 'thank you' or a smile or whatever way they have of expressing that they care or noticed.

In your case big sis, your memory Is faulty (and I don't mean It In a bad way) so you don't remember If they ever said anything nice back or not but, I do, I always remember, I'm your subconscious, I keep track on everything eveyone says or doesn't say...sometimes It's exhausting...but It has made me notice how many of them keep quiet.

Oldme: I know how you feel...quite literally. You've truly always spoken beyond your years and, I'm sorry that, that's the case because It's connected to growing up too soon, but, I want you to know that there's always advantages to how you experience things because of trauma and they serve for more than just being a 'bad memory';  you're able to make people listen, to understand, to change their minds, and believe It or not...that's not easy. It's people like you...people like us that have been through so much that are able to teach others about It, transmute It Into something else. Yes, we didn't deserve any of It and It shouldn't have happened In the first place but, It did and we can't change that. Sometimes the only thing left to do when bad shit happens Is to just talk about, It may seem like It doesn't do anything but you'll find that one person that's willing to listen, to learn...somehow It turns out to be fullfiling to see others grow from your pain, luckily you grow with them too...I'm telling you this because even though you're able to heal so much, you can also feel very alone In this spot, It's normal, not a lot of people are on that spot, you could say It's a special one too. The problem becomes when you feel like you're the only one there, when your trauma Is the thing that separates you from others, not all, but a majority. This Is okay...It's something I still struggle with to this day too. It's not the fact that people don't want to step In, most of them just don't know how and think that the easy way out Is to just leave you to It, which we both know Isn't true.

I truly, completely understand the wish that you don't always have me as support because everyone needs a little help from others as well, we're just human. It's not right that people Ignore us, no. Ignorance Is bliss but It's also a curse, even for them; I'm sorry that the people who were supposed to take care of you did such a bad job and the people you meet now don't seem to try enough either. I need you to remind yourself though that this Isn't because they don't care but because they don't have the tools or the Information to do a good job...It doesn't make It right but It might be an easier weight to carry when you fully understand why It happened the way It did. It's also helpful to remind yourself of the people that are there, the ones that actually do a good job, even If It's just that one person.

Unfortunetly being by ourselves Is going to be our primary net of support for a while...sometimes here and there, there will be friends who offer to help and you'll notice how little changes like that can shift everything, but for now things are stagnant, stressful and lonely, and you have all the right to feel that way, to miss the things that used to make you feel safe, good and happy...know that you can still come back to those things without shame. I too wish that one day we're not our only company and that somebody Is able to sit down with us and have these types of conversations too. You deserve to be listened to, you have so many great Ideas...stuff that I can't even come up with now. I love and appriciate that you keep tabs of everything, It's honestly Impressive, though I know that being aware of It all can be too much some days too. All I can say Is that people's behaviour IS NOT your fault, In fact, when someone different arrives to planet Earth I truly believe the world becomes a better place...It means that people are faced with a new challenge which Is to accept and accomodate those who function differently, If they haven't done so already or, as you said, If they 'keep quiet' then It means they've failed you, It's a lesson that they need to learn for themselves, nothing we can do or worry about for now.

It's never late for those people to change their minds, It really Isn't, after all, they're human too. We don't have to wait for them to change at all, but when they're ready (If they are), there's no reason why we shouldn't recieve them either. I hope this helps...Love you kid

When people cry they say "I'm sorry", that's why you say It remember? and you never question why either, It's like you want to be 'polite' as everyone else has taught you to be by apologizing for something so fair and natural that you don't even bother to think If you actually mean what you say. You used to just cry....you'd let me...now It's time to let me out again and re-built our thinking-process to-um....PRO-CRYING!! or whatever.... I know maybe the people around you won't understand that but It's not about them. If you know they're going to make It worse you could find the nearest bathroom or call a friend and tell them. Just because the place Isn't friendly doesn't mean YOU'RE the one that has to keep It In...crying Is like, sleeping or, eating. It just needs to happen sometimes. See? younger-you might know a thing or two about what you want.

I actually don't want to talk about what happened yet, I'm still processing from the discussion my brother and I had and I feel like I need time to reflect on It. Now that I'm able to have that space (as you tell me I was always worth having) I'm gonna use It. I don't need to actively think about It, I just need to process my feelings, be within my body and Identify what feels out of balance, sleep/eat/take care of myself and all that jazz. THEN, I can start having a clearer head on what happened because, right now I'm just upset and tired. My state needs to be better so I can do better (for myself)."

Old me: "That's alright kiddo, you tell me whatever you want, whenever you want. If It never comes up then It doesn't, I just want you to feel safe and ready, sleep my little one"

Older me Is working a new job and It's really hard on her, sometimes It wears her out completely, I don't know how she got there, I would be so scared...I think deep down she's scared too. Scared of people, of failing, of 'jinxing' things. But although she had to face her consequences when she made mistakes, she's been able to face them better, knowing that her value Isn't there, but In who she Is. She's really strong but I've had a hard time feeling like It...I say this because, there are very few little times during the week when she can rest, space her mind, do what she wants and, although our father Is really difficult, she still tries when I'd given up In fixing things with him, Older me tells me she doesn't blame me, she says he's a narcissist and that she still doesn't feel completely at ease when he's around but, appriciates the little things, like, playing chess, only this time Older me was too tired so I came out. I was angry and upset, not because I lost (although that was disappointing) but because our father kept explaining us how to play when we've played a million times, he would make fun of us for not 'thinking things through or right' and I was not okay with It. If It's just a game then let It be just that, Older me wasn't at her best or using all of her focus on It, she works 8 hours a day, she's tired, we just wanted to have some fun but he ruined It, again.

Older me Is accepting me more and more now, so I can cry. I can cry for people acting like Idiots and makng us feel like one. She's concerned about how much tears are coming out but, I really want to tell her that It's been a loooong time since they came out, and that I won't take this chance for granted. If I have to cry like a river I will".

Old me: "I love you kiddo, I'll give you the space you need to cry, cry all you want, It's our nature"

Some posts I might be stritcly talking personally with my Inner child, other times she might do the talking, who knows (like maybe my child-self had fun one day because she got to jump In a trampoline and wants to share that experience). I do wanna state however that, her and I are not two different people, we're part of a whole, this Is just an exercise that I find helps me heal like I've seen It helps others as well.

As always, I'd like to remind anyone who comes across posts like mine, that there might be difficult subjects at hand because my Inner child suffered a lot of trauma. Things like ptsd, anxiety, stress, ocd, depersonalization, depression, and so on. That doesn't mean that I'll always talk about them though, I just think that going back In time unavoidably makes you remember the events that you also didn't like. But, wether Its up to me or not to talk about It, It won't change my past, It's still part of my history and It was just as real as the good bits. As part of my growth today, I like to remind myself that I've come from a long way, I've lived a lot for a young girl (probably too much for anybody to bare), I was just as valuable then as I am now, regardless of how shitty I felt...especially how shitty I felt about myself. I want to be able to tell that little girl that nothing was her fault and that all she needeknewd to care about was being a kid...It's so easy to make someone feel bad, people around me knew that was a trait of mine and took advantage of It. For a long time I thought It was my fault to feel that way. Today, I wished someone had told me that feeling vulnerable Is not the problem, but the people that abuse It Is. Just because you're going through a confusing or sensitive moment In your life, doesn't mean people get to shame you about It. No one's ever going to be at their 100% all the time, In fact It's not possible. Most times, feeling those things helps you understand better. It's like asking a question you don't have an answer to, at first It might be confusing and stressful, but questioning Is what leads you to the answers...maybe It lead you to more questions, but both are totally valid, It means you care to make sense out of things, that you have values and standards, even If you don't always get It right. Nothing wrong with that.

In any way, you're free to scroll around. This Is mostly exercises for myself but you're welcome to participate and answer, that's why I'm putting It here. Thanks 💖