But have no words to say.

I've been stuck in silence,

And wanna go away.

But I can't go away,

I must stay for the days.

The good and the bad,

The ugly, wait, I take it back.

Things were silent,

Yes, talking about the abuse case.

Things were put on hold,

And close for more than a "few days."

Months later,

Here I stand.

With my memories triggering,

Oh, and my friend?

Stood up and came out,

Same thing happened to her.

By my abuser? 

Go figure, he's a child pervert.

Now I'm stuck here again,

My memories all kicking.

My thoughts going wild,

My body and I are sinking.

Staying up past 2 am to game,

College work and a job... fair play.

Distracting my mind, 

I guess that's the way to stay.

Now my father talking to me,

Explaining he's always there to listen.

Haven't talked to him a few weeks,

Now he's talking all of a sudden.

I understand, I'm used to it,

But he's saying he's there to listen.

He says he's worried about my well being,

That I can't keep bottling things in.

I explained that it's fine,

It'll all be okay.

If the bottle explodes,

It'll only harm me.

Back to my saying about not speaking up.

Shared my thought of society, brought it back up.

He said he agrees, but he's not one of them.

Give him a chance and speak to him.

I can't say it to him (yet),

But my concerns are big.

I told him if I told him,

He'll realized how much I'm damaged.

His own daughter,

Going on 19 years old.

Afraid of men,

Afraid of people.

Wanting to escape,

And she used to cut?

Oh my goodness,

He wasn't the only one to abuse her?

Wait, she has no friends?

She has a blade in her room?

She cries every night?

She's so weak... who knew.

I want to feel okay,

So I say that I'm safe.

But then I go to a store,

I suddenly don't feel okay.

I see all the people,

The men and the women.

Doesn't matter about gender,

I see them all wander.

All the same thing,

A human being.

Most with the same intention,

Wanting to harm another being.

Maybe they're mad,

Or want to crush the ceiling.

Statistics say,

Most human beings prefer do that to beings.

Yea, you better shut your mouth

I got dynamite, don't speak out

Keep those damn words to yourself

I'm not interested in your lies

In your jacket or about your life

In your words that you share so shy

Fuck that, you're fucking sly

Fucking backstabber, go cry

I don't give a shit about your eye

Trip down the stairs, two times

Then to come to me and whine

I'm no longer your petty "wife"

I don't care if you fucking die

Turned me into a damn slayer

I hope you like my knife the killer

Made me go insane

Debated changing my name

Deleting FB and all contacts

Yea, you made me think that

You told me to leave the world

You told me to give you me

That you'll give me everything

We just need to be clean

You said that you were honest

And oops, "you didn't mean it"

But you fucking said that many times

I shoulda got the meaning 

I shoulda picked up the clue

I guess it's all my fault

I'm the one to blame, huh

I guess that's what you want

But guess what, you fucking clown

It's a lie, you didn't put me down

I'm standing up, this is my time now

You were always a backstabber - wow

Yea, that's right, I'm fucking done with you

Oh damn, who the fuck knew

Thought I'd cry and take blame for you

Heck no, now go fucking blue

Ashamed of yourself

Yea, don't wet the couch

Go cry in your bath

Maybe then you'll drown 

I don't fucking care

You're out of my eyes now

Do what the fuck you want

Maybe tear your hair out

After all, you were losing it

Maybe cause of COVID 

I don't really care

I wish you died when you had it

The end, goodnight.

I'm stuck in a drought

Stuck in the road

Stuck in the clouds

I don't wanna hide

But that's how I pout

Locked in my room

Cry my eyes out

Hide from the world

That's how I'm down

Don't tell me to stop

That's how I drown

Don't tell me to speak

That's how I freak

Caught in my thought

Anxiety eating me

Making me die

You caught my lie

But making me cry

All day long 'n night

Just like that day

Yea, wasn't alright

I remember clearly

Yea, wasn't too bright

Like this day

I'm talking about tonight

But I can't say

I'll deny with my legal rights

So this thing

That you're hearing tonight

You wanna share

Yea, you better think twice

Cause I got rights

No, ain't gonna lie

Not in the mood

So don't push me tonight

Good bye.

            Well, there has been some bad things.  I keep having nightmares.  Every day, but two.  I've been here since July 20th.  Only two days, did I have no nightmares.  The others, all nightmares.  Not even dreams or good things, just flat out nightmares.  

            One was about my sister being very harmed and I woke up crying.  One was about these water spider bugs that were disguised as ants and were chasing my sister and I in a boat.  Another was about me being at this weird camp where everyone was required to be naked and my mom actually left me there.  And a traumatizing, but not really nightmare I had was a few days ago and it was a sexual one, actually.  I was raped.  However, it was so unbelievable and unrealistic within the scene and place I didn't even recognize, that it barely even bugs me.  Well, I have to say, it doesn't bug me at all actually.  I have weird nightmares... huh? 

            Well, last night, I had a really, really bad nightmare.  And by "bad," I mean I woke up crying, scared, worried that my nightmare actually happened.  In the nightmare, I was in the comfort of my grandmother's house.  Everyone there, I knew, recognized, and was familiar with.  Everything seemed SO realistic.  The only thing that was so realistic, was that what happened to me took place outside... in the woods... in the dark.  And those woods, was the bedroom because I remember screaming and yelling due to the pain I was in and my aunt walks into the bedroom door, but it's dark and she's asking what's wrong and said she couldn't see anything.  It was horrible.

            This nightmare had a more effect on me due to it being around people I knew.  Unfortunately, I'm getting used to being hurt/expecting family rather than friends harming me.  Not that friends won't harm me, I fully expect that as well.  I guess we can say that I don't feel safe with anyone anymore.  Strangers scare me and we'll, my family, I want to trust them and now they'll never hurt me, but then what's going to happen?  I'll be harmed, just like my step-father did to me.  Of whom, I thought was the best father I'm the world and I would even call him daddy.  No.  I don't trust anyone.  And if I say I trust someone or give them trust, they are very lucky.  I'll put it that way.

            For those of you who follow my blogs, you may be aware of my abuse stories and what happened to me when I was younger.  This nightmare triggered a lot of that for me.  In this nightmare, I'll skip to the immediate bad part that hurt me, a tall and thick male had me held down.  I remember running and he grabbed me from behind and wrapped his arms around my stomach.  He threw me down to the ground and he got my legs pinned and stuck underneath his huge body.  Then he started sliding up my body and he pulled out his d**k, said "open," and tried shoving it in my mouth. (Sound familiar to my abuse memories?) This is so painful to talk about.  I need to get this out though or it's going to kill me while I'm on this vacation.  After me not opening my mouth and him desperately trying to shove it in my mouth, he said "fine," smirked with this grin on his face, and moved a bit back down my body.  He then grabbed my hand without me even having the chance to react and he put it against his d**k and closed his legs.  That's when he started squeezing his legs, moaning, c**ing, and the entire time I was trying to pull my hand away, I was yelling, I was screaming to catch someone's attention, I was crying, I was saying "stop," "stop, please" 😭😭😭😭😭😭 and now I'm going to cry.  After that part of my Aunt walking in and her still not seeing anything, the incident continued for about another minute and my aunt saying "what's the matter, I'm coming, where you?" And then the male stopped. I stumbled slowly out of the room, down the hallway, and kind of just walked straight out, with tears still streaming down my face and me breathing very fast.  I remember then breaking down more into tears when I saw my grandmother and I walked back down the hallway.  I walked into my grandmother's room and collapsed on her bed, just crying.  As my grandmother walked in through the doors, I looked at her and couldn't help it, but I cried even more to the point I started choking.  And... that's when I woke up.  The first I saw when I woke up was my grandmother and I was crying horribly.  I couldn't control my breathing.  I went to the bathroom, and cried even more.  I stopped myself, came out if the bathroom and back to the couch (where I sleep), and broke back down into tears. 

                And, unfortunately, I'm crying more.  Thank you so much for reading and any support given. 

When everyday I'm told to be like someone else.

Always criticized and daily insulted

Just for being who I am inside, that's it.

I am my own enemy,

Always listening to everyone and everything.

Wanting to be perfect,

Or at least accepted for myself.

But I'm talked to like I should be someone else.

Although, all the inspiring speeches told,

They say you're perfect inside and out.

They say to be yourself, it's okay to cry,

But sometimes I feel like that's just a lie.

If that were the truth, why is society like this?

Bullying and harassing, I really don't get it.

It pains me to say, but we aren't perfect.

Frightened and caged, just stuck in a mosh pit.

We aren't always free,

Our mind knows this.

Stress, depression, anxiety,

Not always fearless.

We consciously run,

We hide to take cover.

Because deep inside,

We know we'll be discovered.

For the truth we contain,

That we do not show.

The amount of tears and stress,

The weight of all the world.

We all live like this,

That's almost guaranteed.

We all have some fears,

That we bury deep.

My fear is society,

And what they say about me.

How they act, how they respond,

And how much they harm physically.

Terrified of people,

I can swear on that.

Walking by myself,

As their words are back.

How can I be myself?

When they made me who I am.

The me a long time ago,

Was buried long back then.

This is the new me.

Who is still developing.

Trying to find myself,

And who I want to be.

They say he is alive

But really floating above

Saying everything is alright

Saying that he has a plan 

For each and one of us

Saying he is the protector 

And the father to all of us

But let me ask a question

Like… where has he been

Wasn't here during past years 

Or even when I was a kid

Left me alone

Even though he knew

He knew the truth of everything

Yet gave no one a single clue

If he was beside me

During the entire time

Why didn't he stop him

Why did he stay on the side

Why didn't he protect me

Be the father, or the God

Instead, he was a bystander 

He watched me cry as I was hurt 

He watched me scream in agony 

As it just got even worse

But he did nothing

He just let it all burst 

He saw me all confused 

At a loss of words

That I was unsure

Of what I was just told 

He watched me move slowly 

Cause he knew I was scared 

Everything done and said

Was their choice, I'm aware 

The entire time

I was flustered and scared

I was holding back tears

As I nod and stare

God, what on earth

You weren't even there 

You watched in TX and NC

You saw it through thin air

Not protecting me or guarding me

Just staring on the side

He let him hurt me badly 

Not once, but many times 

Now why tell me

I'm supposed to believe in God

He was never there for me

Never to be my guard

He even hurt my family

He let my family be hurt

And I have these memories 

That I can't just simply burn 

They cause me pain and agony

I cry about every night 

Sometimes I cut and bleed

Just to save me from dry eyes

But also as a punishment

Cause I didn't try to fight 

I guess I blame myself

For all of those abusive times

Inside my head.

I'm nearing an end,

I might end up dead.

I have an idea,

That'll cost my life.

But it's worth it for family,

I must do the fight.

The fucking bastard,

Yea, the sexual abuser.

I'm done with everything,

No one doing nothing.

I'm gonna fight,

And by that, let's see.

I know how to use a gun,

I know where he sleeps.

I'm gonna show up,

Make sure he's awake.

Look him in the eyes,

Point the gun in his face.

Say,

"Goodbye, it's time to pay."

Pull the trigger three times,

Then walk away.

If I get caught, 

I don't fucking care.

It's my sacrifice,

For my family in fear.

Protect them now,

They're officially safe.

They can live with justice,

Be in a graceful place.

They can finally start healing,

Like I never could.

I'll be happy in the end,

Knowing my sacrifice was for good.

I pray my family will be okay,

They'll be in a much better place.

If I die after or well being in prison,

Family is everything, there's my sacrifice.

Been lied to in the face.

Bullied all around,

Pushed all over the place 

Met many people in person,

Seems most of them are fake.

How come I get the bad people?

How come I get hurt by the stake?

Society is bad,

So is the people.

It's to the point,

I've given up on visuals.

When my family says,

"Make some friends!"

I ask myself,

"What will it take?"

I have some real friends,

They're online.

But to them,

That doesn't cut the line.

In person, 

They mean.

Although, I won't pretend,

I can't make a friend.

I've been hurt too much,

People give me chills.

The amount of crimes and cruelty,

It's enough for me to take pills.

It's enough for me to hate society,

Step back, and lock myself inside of me. 

Stay away from all humanity,

Besides my friends online and my family.

Of which who actually care,

Not just ask me questions and being "there."

Saying things and giving advice,

A family is more than just being "wise."

I'll stay inside,

Won't go into society.

Scared to take a step,

Actually hurts the inside of me.

That's my heart, I mean,

Yes, it still beats.

And here I stand, 

Listen, you can hear it scream.

And inside if you look,

You can't even see a thing.

It beats so fast,

It makes you deaf mentally. 

Makes you wonder,

If I'm standing free.

Maybe I'm a spirit,

Or maybe I'm fleeing.

You don't know the difference,

You can't tell indefinitely.

So take my advice,

When I say to watch society.

Watch people's moves,

Watch what they say.

Be observant,

Watch for when the sky turns gray.

That's a warning,

That you'd better run.

People take advantage,

Of those who are prey. 

Take my advice, 

And flee, don't stay.

Don't turn around,

Just lock yourself away.

This is my mind,

My entire mind frame.

I'm scared to take in-person classes,

Due to everything.

All these memories, 

Inside my head.

It makes me mad,

Makes me wanna be dead.

I don't know what to say,

So, I cry myself away.

Hopefully it's enough,

To drown my mind for the day.

All this anger,

All this pain.

I wanna make it stop,

Everything is so gray.

No light, no sound,

It's a dark place here.

Where's myself?

I can't see clear.

I'm slipping away,

Upon these tears.

It's not my fault,

I didn't choose the years.

Abuse and bad memories,

That's why I'm here.

Stuck in a dark place,

I can no longer hear.

My mind is giving up,

Everything is shutting down.

I'm so frustrated,

I can't even hear a sound.

I'm quitting on talking,

My family doesn't know.

I plan to keep it that way,

At least, till I go.

Write a letter,

It'll be something sad.

But I don't wanna go,

I just wanna go back.

Back to the place,

Where there was no pain.

Back to the place,

Before I got caught in the drain.

Before I got hurt,

And sexually abused.

Before I was bullied,

Scared, and confused. 

Before the time,

I didn't want to run away.

The time I was happy,

Where even the moon wasn't gray.

I wanna go back,

But it doesn't exist.

No longer in my dreams,

Cross that off the list.

That place is gone,

The door is locked.

Sealed with plasma,

Behind a million rocks.

Thanks for reading,

My bizarre, weird fit.

This seems more permanent,

I hope I can come back from this.

Until then,

I don't know what to say.

Been crying for days,

Hiding my pain.

Kept silent,

But I'm digging my grave.

I need help,

Before I make an unfixable mistake..

Here I go again.

Guess what, it isn't new,

I blame myself again.

I'm at fault for the disaster,

I'm at fault for losing my friend.

He was like a brother to me,

But admittedly, a jerk.. something.

He would be nice to me,

Treat me like his sister.

But sometimes then he jokes around,

Acts inappropriate and acts sinister.

But everytime I'd confront,

He'd laugh and tell me to chill.

He'd say I'm being overdramatic,

And they were just harmless jokes (to him).

Now it's finally over,

Got in a BIG fight.

I said I was done,

But then apologized. 

I wanted my brother back,

The friend and family I knew.

Not the jerk who is cruel,

And didn't admit when he was rude.

Then he comes back saying,

"I wish you a happy life.

But unfortunatelly,

This is the end of our friendship line."

I can't believe him,

This pisses me off.

He does shit to me,

Then just blows me off.

Says it's not a big deal,

And often times, says he doesn't remember.

Says, "are you crazy?!  I would never do that!"

Then suddenly makes me the lunatic.

He does this to me every single time,

And every single time, I go out of my mind.

I'm polite and sometimes, I'd let it slide.

But when I started confronting him, he lies.

I'm starting to think maybe losing him was good,

But he was like a brother to me, part of my familyhood.

I knew his brother and his sister,

They were family to me.

But now he's gone,

And I lost part of my family...

The only ones who understood.

Which brings me to why I cut,

Explaining my status.

I cut 12 times,

It's a habit.

As some of you know,

It's punishment for me.

I deserve it the most,

So more blood I'll see.

I'm not very strong.

Everytime I stand up, 

I always fall down.

I'll be plain and honest,

Everytime I try, I fail.

When they say, "get up,"

They also say, "it's not a big deal."

I'll be plain and honest,

About every word I've heard.

"Strong," "smart," "beautiful,"

It's just a lie in my mind.

I'll be plain and honest,

With all the lies aside.

Last few months, 

I've been thinking about suicide.

I'll be plain and honest,

13 plans in mind.

My friend freaked out,

But I don't know why.

I'll be plain and honest,

This is where I don't hide.

All my words and thoughts,

They're the truth from behind my eyes.

I'll be plain and honest,

Like about this morning.

Couldn't get enough,

Cut my thigh, watched it bleed.

I'll be plain and honest,

I could talk here.

I could talk to a friend,

But I've given up by fear.

I'll be plain and honest,

I'm done and I quit.

I know I sound like a little kid,

But I'm sick of this.

I'll be plain and honest,

For all the times,

Like when I'm alone or it's night,

I think about ways to die.

I'll be plain and honest,

I'm ashamed and I hate myself.

I don't see a future,

Despite my friends and family.

I'll be plain and honest,

They I'm a "drama queen."

Yes, sometimes, admiteddly, although..

They won't say that when I'm gone by the next night.

I'll be plain and honest...

I'm losing the fight.

I'm not very strong, 

I'm not brave,

And I'm so close in leaving,

Without saying "goodbye."

I'll be plain and honest,

Five days ago..

I wrote a "goodbye" letter,

And sent it out to three people. 

To my family and others,

I didn't have the gut.

I just hoped they'd think it was an accident,

Nothing more, nothing else.

I'll be plain and honest,

I started a job on Thursday.

I worked Thursday and Friday,

9am-2pm.

I'll be plain and honest,

About when I go to work on Monday.

I'll be walking in, quitting,

And leaving at the same time.

I'll be plain and honest,

I've had therapy.

I've completed "treatment,"

But that doesn't mean I'm alright.

It doesn't mean I've healed,

Or won the fight.

It doesn't mean I've coped,

And bounced back from the abuse nights.

It doesn't mean the world is fixed,

And all I see is glitter and unicorns.

It means I was able to temporarily change my perspective,

And believe, that the abuse wasn't my fault.

Not long after I reported everything and she found out, she said that she never would have committed suicide.  She said she was afraid of death.  

Although, all those times she talked to me, she always mentioned how if ANYONE reported anything, she'd kill herself, and she even told me the many ways she would.  She would also threaten me and told about how she'll cut and she'll cut more and more till the day she's dead, and she won't care.  

My goal was to save her from that.  I didn't want her to kill herself over some stupid person that hurt her.  I didn't want that person to feel as if they had the power over her.  As if they "won," because if she was dead, then who would know what happened to her?

So, people say, I did the right thing.  But... I don't think I did.  She never would have committed suicide.  She's afraid of death.  She's scared to even cut too deep.  I let my fear and the persuasion of my mother get in my head and report everything that I knew (that she told me) that happened to her.  I have proof of it all too. 

After seeing the end of choice B, A would've been better.  At least she would've still had a friend who she could trust.  But instead, I decided to ruin that too.  Not only is the police doing nothing, but she can't talk to me.  She hates me, her family hates her, her abuser is pissed off (probably will abuse her again - they live in the same house), and she lost her phone and any contact with people other than school.  

I understand I should be looking at a different perspective and seeing that reporting was the best thing.  But... it wasn't.  Maybe for most cases, it is.  But this one... no, it wasn't.

I ruined everything.  Any relationship, trust, hope, belief she had with her family, is now gone.  And if anything happens to her now or in the future, I'm responsible.  

How can something you love SO much, suddenly be something you hate and despise the most?  It's very irritating.

*Possible Trigger*

Well, one day, I had to go to a hotel and while there, I made a phone call to the abuser.  Such a wise choice, huh?  The social worker and my therapist were SO hesitant about me doing it, but the detective said it might help.  Maybe the abuser will confess, right?  We all hope for that, I'm sure.

I won't get into everything, as it's pretty traumatizing, but that's my point here.  Before the call, the detective and another detective, my favorite one, came over to supervise, guide me, and record (have proof of) the call. 

During my time of freaking out before the call, nearly breaking down into tears, and having so many thoughts in my head, "will he confess? Will he admit to everything?  Will he threaten me to shut up?  Will he hurt my family now that I remember everything?  What's going to happen?!" and more, I was coloring in a coloring book.  It's one of those inspirational coloring books you'll see that are for adults to do to calm down.  It was soothing for me, very soothing and "somewhat" calming.

Due to me coloring directly before and after the call (to hide my tears afterwards - didn't last long) I now absolutely hate coloring.  Coloring anything, for that matter.  I can't color a coloring sheet, book, or page.  I can't print out something that I really like and color it.  Why?  Cause everytime I'm about to color something or someone asks me if I want to color, I freak out.  I start remembering everything about the call, I remember the words that the abuser said, and the number of times he apologized, but not for the right thing... "I'm sorry you have this awful memory." "I'm sorry that someone did this to you and are mistaking it as me."  It still pisses me off to this day.  And his voice, omg.  So many times now, I hear him talking or someone else having the same voice as him, and I just want to cry.

Anyway, another thing.  I went swimming at the pool that was at the hotel (outside).  Guess what I won't be doing again?  Swimming in a pool, whether it's at a friend's house, at a hotel, a community park, a park, water park, no... I will NOT go into a pool.  Ever since the hotel, I have not stepped a foot into a pool and probably never will.  The entire time while I was in the pool, I was telling mom everything the abuser said as she kept asking questions.  I'll be honest, I just wanted to drown then.  

I don't know what more to say, I'm having flashbacks now.

Maybe a bf for me.

Anyone I like or am close to,

I'm naive and can't breathe. 

When they ask me to do something,

I do it without thought. 

Whatever makes them happy,

Is all that really counts.

Pic, or a selfie,

Maybe audio or a snap.

Everytime I try to say no,

To them, it's a bunch of crap.

They say they aren't unhappy,

When I say no to them.

Yet, the look on their face,

Shows their patience cutting thin.

And just as I am,

Naive and not smart.

I say yes to everything,

That's just the way of my heart.

I can't hurt someone,

Or see them disappointed in me.

I have to be "perfect" to them,

Or I'd be a nothing to everybody.

One person cut off,

A viral mistake that spreads.

Even one hurt feeling,

Then I'm the one dead. 

Cause the feeling inside,

Of hurting the person who stays.

Is a bomb of guilt and nails,

That stabs me, making me pay.

Although, I deserve punishment,

I feel that's not enough.

I can't say no to many people,

If I do, they call my bluff.

They know I can't stand against them,

They know I don't have a chance.

Hence, them taking advantage of me,

And I let them, without hesitance.

So, as you can see,

I'm very naive and not smart. 

Taken advantage of by many people,

To them, it looks like I want the dart.

I'd rather be harmed and suffer,

Then someone else paying the price.

If that means I die in the end,

I guess just think of it as a sacrifice. 

Losing my mind.

I'm definitely gonna cut,

It's happening tonight.

Gonna cut and bleed,

Just as I cry.

Tearline, bloodline,

Watch it all drip away.

Feel the pain,

Feel the burn.

This is real,

And it hurts.

I don't care,

Cut away.

The pain is bad,

Drives me to cut deeper.

No regret,

I'm fucking done.

Cut so deep,

I can't remember.

Is there a vein?

One or two.

Maybe three, I don't care,

If I cut, say I never knew.

She's gone away.

Blocked my account,

Can't see my name.

She left the doc,

Both of them.

Can't see her pic,

Cause she's gone for good.

Lost all her friends,

She blocked them too.

Even my close friend,

Now she's fucking confused.

Texting me like crazy,

I'm going out of my mind.

Blaming me for what happened,

But said she's on my side?

Said it's alright,

She said it's all fine.

"You did the right thing,

I'm by your side."

But she doesn't text me for days,

Then suddenly says, "hello?"

Tells me that we can be friends,

If I lose my bad attitude and stay mellow.

Of course, I say fine,

But I also apologized.

She sent a frown emoji,

And now I haven't heard a thing.

I've proved that I'm selfish,

And a bad friend.

I should've stayed quiet (as always),

And never reported.

Now I must suffer,

Here for punishment 

Guilty for the crimes,

I committed a "sin".

I'm a mistake,

This is the end.

I lost a family,

And now four friends.

The end.

Anyway, my family has been with Mark for about 6 years now.  The first 3-4 years were absolute crap, I'll talk about all of that later in my blog as well.  (I've got a lot to share!!)

Before officially starting, I want to apologize for any typos.  I'm on my phone and also in the dark with my eyes being very droopy. 

Within all the times that my family has lived with Mark, he's done some things that really piss people off.  For example, when you say one thing wrong or you say something that may not be right according to statistics, history, or science, he gives you this look.  He stares at you and makes you feel like a complete idiot!!  On top of that, he'll "quote" that mistake and bring it up many times.  More like a "joke," but he'll just bring it up casually.  Everything could be fine and we'll and then he'd "mimic/repeat" the mistake I made or something I said and remind me of how much of an idiot I sounded.  I flipping hate it!!  It sucks so much!!  Okay, imagine this, so you can try to understand more from my view.  Imagine standing in front of the entire class.  You have this strict, but very intelligent professor next to you who has a medical degree, majored in science, and is the Oxford dictionary itself.  Now, you say ONE thing wrong in front of the ENTIRE class and not only do you have the typical students staring at you, but you have the professor looking at you with his arms crossed and he's saying, "Who the hell are you?  A 5 years old?!" I did a very bad job at describing this.  Okay, imagine that look of the professor, times 8.  

Honestly, you have to be there to understand.  It sucks.  And it happens ALL the time whenever you say ONE thing flipping wrong or you even mispronounce a word.  Suddenly he's the Oxford dictionary and he knows more than God. 

Another thing, he can't be wrong!!  He has to be right in everything!!  If you try to prove him wrong or you GET something wrong, you're going to be told why you're wrong with about a 1-2 hour lecture.  I'm NOT joking.  Often times, that lecture leads off onto other topics and the lecture ends up being even longer!

Something else, when my mom isn't around and it's just him and I, he decides to tell me a bunch of shit.  What does he say after telling everything?  "Don't tell your mom, she'd freak."

Also, Mark has threatened my family to get out of the house.  Not threatened, TOLD.  We even had a date that we had to be out by, all over a stupid fight that he and my mother had.  Over one stupid little thing that he technically payed for... was he going to throw a mother and three kids out onto the street.  And you know what, did he care?  NO!!  He said, "well maybe then you won't sell my shit when I'm gone."

Okay, so, he was going to be deployed about a year or two ago.  (That didn't happen cause he de used to be an idiot and try to do a move while landing  after jumping from a plane.  That resulted in a injured ankle.)  Anyway, my mom (might as well give a name for her... I'll just say "mom" I guess.)  Mom and Mark were fighting over stupid things, once again, and he threatened her to move out, or something, I can't fully recall.  And she said okay and decided that she'd sell the treehouse in the backyard to get some money for moving.  Well, Mark got angry because while it was for my brother (mom's son), HE payed for it.  So it was HIS money and it was going no where.  That led to the fight between mom and Mark and when he had set a date (June of, I believe, 2019?  I'm not sure, possibly 2018.) 

Now, the thing that seriously pisses me off about the threatening thing and moving out I told you above.  Once Mark and mom made up and everything was fine, she forgive him "like that!"  Just forgave him.  They never spoke of it.  They just ignored it and pretended like everything was fine.  Which I hate because they do this ALL THE FLIPPING TIME!  Which you'll soon find out in my other blogs 

So, on a day to day basis (leaving Dec of 2020 to April of 2021 out) he constantly reminds me off what an idiot I am.  

Which reminds me... ohhh, this pissed me off so much. 

So, in 2019, my sister (I'll say, "PJ") and I had a visit with our family in a different state.  Well, why not... okay, we went to Wisconsin to see our family.  Our father, our grandmother (from dad and moms side), three (maybe two) of our uncle's, three of our aunt's, and lots of our cousins.  Haha, big family if you combine them all.  

While we were there, I stayed in contact with mom via phone.  We would text a lot, but not much video calls as she was sort of depressed with us gone (although, she had to remain her cool with my little brother around her).  One of the times she texted me, she said that Mark had actually missed PJ and I.  I was surprised and I basically (not word per word) said, "ha, ya right!"  The reason for me saying this is because he would always call us spoiled brats and ungrateful.  Constantly... 🙄😒

Well, apparently mom meant it and he did miss us.  I guess, I still don't believe it.

Fast forward to January when PJ and I got off the plane and met with mom, Mark, and my brother at the airport.  We were in the garage parking at the airport and I remember standing beside the car.  Mom was taking a break (smoking a cigarette) about ten steps away from me and PJ was in between mom and I.  Things were pretty good.  I wasn't thrilled to see Mark as this is when my hatred really started fueling and spilling out of the bottle, but as I always tried, I remained calm and hid my emotions.  Things seem fine, even with Mark (like he was ACTUALLY happy to see us) and I hoped to keep things that way.

Mom was talking to PJ and I as we just got back from the visit(s).  My brother was trying to talk to me also.  However, as mom was talking first and I was trying to listen, I held my pointer finger up as way of saying "wait.". He knew what it meant and so he waited.  Although, then he started trying to talk to me again as mom was still talking.  I did it again and Mark turned to look at me (we have a van - he was in the driver's seat - I was standing by the opened middle door on the passenger side).  He turned to look at me and just stared at me, giving me that awful "you're a fucking idiot" look.  I wasn't looking directly at him, thankfully, but I could see it very well just by the corner of my eye.  As soon as he did that, I turned away from mom, drowning whatever she was now saying out, and I asked my brother what he wanted.  

That moment from the rest of that day was shit, despite us all going to a restaurant for dinner.  

To be honest, I find that him doing vacations, restaurants, fairs, hotels, "nice" things, are just his way of trying to be nice and feel less guilty about himself. 

Another thing though.  Whenever he takes everyone out, NO MATTER where it is.  It could be the beach, to the hotel, at a fair, a celebration, a parade, you name it.  No matter where we've been, there is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS a flipping fight!!  It could literally be over anything.  It could be over the way that the roads are built or someone saying something idiot in the car because they're hot and tired.  It could be anything!!  Literally, just name it.  If you can think it, there's a fight about it.  Not joking here either, none of this is a joke.  It's flipping irritating and I've been bottling all of this up for a very long time.  Okay, for six years, that's a long time in my mind.  Especially when you constantly have to reseal the bottle cap and shove it inside another bottle, then another, then another, just to know for sure that nothing will get out!!

I'm going to leave things off here.  I think that's about it.  I'm sure I'll run into more pretty soon here, my mind is thinking about a million things right now.  

Thanks for reading! 😊🌸

~Celia

The pain. 

My chest,

The strain.

My eyes,

The game.

My thoughts,

The drain. 

There,

What's that sound?

Here,

I wanna drown.

Thoughts,

Just wanna play.

Games,

Gonna stay.

Memories,

Through the day.

Punishment,

You must pay. 

Words,

They're gonna say.

Things, 

Once made.

Sounds,

Not to fade.

School,

Lots of grades.

Home,

Chaotic parade.

Them,

Flipping afraid.

Court,

Gonna state.

Her,

Harm my way 

Him,

Knife for take.

Them,

Not gonna stay.

Now,

Wanna pay.

Talk,

Not gonna say.

Look,

Wrong way.

Done,

Their mistake.

No,

Not gonna take.

Stop,

This parade.

Shoot,

Be afraid.

Is made from someone I know.

She was an artist and a singer,

She had a very special glow.

Me not cutting for a long time,

Was all thanks to her.

She helped me through so much,

And I promised to be with her forever.

I swore to be by her side,

I swore it'll all be alright.

Look at the disappointment that lies,

I'm the cause of all those ties.

Now she's gone,

My dearest friend.

Was a sister in my heart,

Now she's probably dead.

All my fault,

That's all I know.

No matter what's said,

I blame myself head to toe.

For my thoughts, 

Never shutting up.

For my toes,

Never working hard enough . 

Could've walked me to her,

I could've been there.

Maybe if I kept my mouth shut,

I could hear speaking to my ear.

Now I hear nothing close,

But when I hear her songs.

It's a triggering memory,

That makes me want to harm. 

All I think is,

"What have I done?

Please undo everything, God,

I'm sorry I made this mistake!"

She probably would've been fine anyway,

I just had to go and screw up everything. 

Opened my damn mouth and flipping spoke,

Now I lost three friends and a family, I'd rather choke.

Hard to explain.

All the complications,

All the frustrations.  

I was in the right,

I did the right thing.  

But my head is stubborn,

Not very accepting. 

Now all the confusion,

My head is hurting.  

I want to cut and cry,

But I can't do any harming. 

I'm stuck on these words,

Of all the people around me.

Different opinions,

I don't know what to think now.

Getting me stuck, 

Even more confused.

I can't break the promise,

Or another friend, I will lose.

Mom telling me to find a way to cope,

But I only know one way to do so.

That way was exterminated, now here I lie,

Crying and shaking in my bed at night.

Hard to accept all of these lies,

But the truth, seems so right.

I need to accept, don't see why,

My mind says punishment is the way to pay for crime. 

In this case,

I'm at blame.

Fault of the crime,

For a long life time. 

So I'll pay,

I know I'll find a way.

Loophole around the system,

Make things look like an accident.

Maybe it'll be a mistake,

But I don't know what say.

All I can do is cry, no longer harm,

I don't see any other way.

Any other is way,

Makes me feel as a fool.

I know I can't trick my mind,

I'm done with this duel.